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139,235 Literary Works • 672,518 Reviews
There is a fresh organic feeling to reading a handwritten poem! Thanks for sharing, and I'm a big fan of the phoenix doodle off to the side as well.
Interpretation
I interpreted this poem to be about someone who wants to hope and move on to something more in life but they are weighed down by the heaviness and neediness of life all around them. I like how you bookended the poem's meaning by repeating that hope / replaced/swapped / needs" line at the end and beginning - which also really created a little phoenix - reincarnation effect too.
It was a bit of an unusual usage of the phoenix which is more often associated with death and new life than just hope and need which aren't quite as stark, but maybe it was being used to show the starkness of the needs the speaker was encountering.
One ambiguity in the poem's meaning - was that hope seems to be central to the meaning especially because you put the word hope in the two most important lines of the poem (the opening and the closing ones) but I have no clue what exactly the speaker is hoping for - so it's left a bit generically - giving some content to the hope of the speaker would make this poem even more striking.
specifics
I liked your usage of sound devices throughout in using alliteration in "long / lived" , "soul / searches" , "tough / tongue / tastes", and "forced / forged / false / full / filled" etc. these make the poem even more fun to read and make the lines really stick in your mind! The flow and formatting of the poem was also very clean and easy to understand each line and concept.
One spelling error in the 2nd stanza "minds" should be "mind's" I believe because it is possessive.
Another ambiguity of the poem - is what exactly prompts the phoenix to have new life - how did the speaker change from having all this need to having hope again?
One strength of the poem was you did a great job illustrating some really poignant bodily imagery with the hunger and teeth that were quite interesting. I think something to consider for revisision is how to fit the phoenix motif into those middle stanzas a bit more - maybe with continued bird / nest / feather imagery or even fire imagery because fire is often associated with the phoenix - you could talk about hunger burning / searing to connect that imagery into it. That's something that I think really brings poems to the next level when the imagery all weaves together from stanza to stanza and every image is somehow tied to the next.
Overall, this was a nice read, and I can tell you have a really good ear for poetic sounds! I'm eager to read more of your work in the future.
all the best, happy Review Month!
~A
Banner Courtesy of @Liminality and the checklist challenge
Hope you find your way out of this dark place.
Think of solutions. Not unending bad times. Might help you move into a better place. Hope to see more.
Review: use an action / situation as a metaphor to show how the mind gets replaced with needs.
Good morning, afternoon, evening, night, or whatever applies to you in your respective time zone. Anyway, onto the review. I enjoyed reading this poem. Although confusing at times, no poem is really complete with out a bit of vagueness and mystery. I enjoyed reading your unique style, accented by writing it yourself, making your poem all the more individually yours. It gives it a bit of character, and allows the reader to feel more personal with this poem, because you can tell it was written by another human, other than a standard typed poem, that doesn't have much personality.
I think my favorite part of our poem was the lines:
These lines are very vivid, letting the reader imagine the journey the mind might take, or even the frustration from going in circles, chasing the dream of immortality.
The only thing I might fix, would be the grammatical errors.
The word "hearts" used here seems off. You could try "heart's", as in it is the heart's beat, if that is what you meant.
This is also oddly worded. You could try using the phrase "now falsely sated" instead.
That was all I had on grammar, but please do remember, it is your poem, and you may choose to change it, or not. Other than that, it was a great poem, and I hope to see more of your work around soon. Stay safe, and keep writing!
-Lizzy
Hi, hello, good morning good evening or whatever it is at the time you are viewing this. Anyway, Wolf here.
I liked how with this poem you chose to submit it in your own handwriting and even with a little sketch in the corner it gives a new feel, a differant aesthetic if you will. It brings to mind the scribbling of an ancient scribe writing by candlelight. But I digress. I have to say the last stanza is by far my favorite. Its simple, yet powerful and it ties the whole thing together nicely.
Hop you found this of some use, one suggestion I have is to watch the rythme. You keep it pretty consistent but there are a few lines that are a bit longer and throw it off a bit but thats not a problem really just thought I'd point it out as something to keep in mind for the future.
good day!
as always
Wolf
This was a cool poem.I like Phoenixs,because they rise from the ashes and this poem captured the meaning and magic of The Phoenix perfectly.My favorite part in the poem is the last part:"..Now rising from the ashes,the Phoenix obtains a new life.."
This part inspires people to spread their wings and try new things.Good job!