Willow sighed and rested her cheek on the windowsill. Through the smudged glass she could only spot two stars in the gray-blue sky. She had always been in love with all things space, but living on the edge of a small city did that love no good. On a good night, she might spot five stars and a bright moon. Darn light pollution, she thought.
She laid back on her bed and stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars sprinkling her ceiling. She hoped someday she would be able to see more real stars than there were on her ceiling. She couldn’t imagine seeing so many stars that they blanketed the sky so thick it was hard to pick out constellations. Every time she saw a picture of stars and galaxies, something inside her ached to see it with her own eyes, right there in front of her.
She rolled onto her side and closed her eyes, snuggling deeper under her blanket. Someday, she thought. Someday I will. And then she smiled and allowed sleep to claim her, and she danced through the stars of her dreams.
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137,676 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hello!
This piece has a nice whimsical feel to it, and you do a great job of characterising Willow in just a few paragraphs.
I think what you could improve on would be sentence construction, as a few of your sentences are a bit confusing to read at the first glance. For example, perhaps you could change "She couldn't imagine seeing so many stars that they blanketed the sky so thick it was hard to pick out constellations." to something like "She couldn't imagine seeing so many stars blanketing the sky, spread thickly enough that it would be impossible to pick out the individual constellations."
Otherwise, I really enjoyed your writing, especially Willow's thoughts in the last paragraph. Hope you find this helpful!
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed! c: Thanks for the input; it's helpful and multiple people have said that so it secures that I should fix it! Thanks again! ^-^
AnimalQueen here!
I love the subject of your story, and I can understand Willow pretty well. I, too enjoy the stars (and the moon.) I prefer night to day because it's so quiet and serene. Willow reminds me a little of me.
I'm really glad I don't live in the big city. Again, I think you chose an amazing topic and the story seems to me just about perfect.
AnimalQueen out!
Thanks! Willow is based off of me tbh haha. I'm so glad you liked it! ^-^
I really like the concept of this story. As someone who lives in the country, it's hard for me to imagine not seeing an abundance of stars in the sky every night, so this point of view was interesting to read.
'
I have a couple small suggestions that I think would improve the story. Firstly, the line "she would be able to see more real stars than there were on her ceiling." seemed kind of awkward to me. I would suggest changing the words around a little, for example "she would be able to see real star instead of the stickers on her ceiling."
I would also suggest that you change the last line to "And then she smiled, allowing sleep to claim her as she danced through the stars of her dreams."
I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading this, so great work!
Glad you enjoyed! Thanks for the suggestions. c: