Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Ledan was sitting on a wooden chair in front of a chess board, looking up at the person sitting across from him. The person placed one of the black pawns in front of Ledan’s white knight piece. Ledan stared at the board while the person moved the piece. “Really, Jay…?” Jay glared at Ledan, looking dumbfounded. “What, dude?”
Ledan moved his knight forward, tapping the pawn Jay placed. “Horrible place for a pawn to go.” Jay glared at the board then placed his hands under the board, flipping it off the table, the pieces flying around the area they were sitting. “This game is stupid anyways!”
“Are you sure you’re not just st-... ah nevermind.” As Jay left the area, Ledan got up from his seat, getting on the floor on his knees, picking up the chess pieces that Jay left. Ledan sighed softly as he kept picking up the pieces. As soon as he reached out to pick up another piece, he felt contact against his hand with someone else’s, causing him to look up to see who it was.
“Need help?” It was Inna. She crouched down in front of Ledan, helping him pick up the chess pieces. Ledan stared at Inna for a moment, surprised she was helping him.
“You don’t have to help…” Ledan mumbled softly, looking down at the floor, holding the pieces he picked up.
“Why not? I actually like you. Everyone here are such drags.” Inna stood up, putting the pieces she picked up in the correct order on the chess board. Ledan stood up next, doing the same.
“Thank you… Inna.” Inna smiled at him.
“Oh…” Inna looked away from Ledan, placing her middle and index fingers on her lips.
Ledan walked around her to see her face. “What’s wrong?”
Inna looked up at Ledan, having a slight blush cross upon her face. “It’s just… this is the first time I smiled in a while. Weird, right?” Ledan chuckled softly, walking with Inna to the TV area.
‘When was the last time I truly smiled? Oh yeah… it was around that time.’
Ledan was turning 10 the next day. He ran downstairs towards the living where his father and mother were sitting on the couch together, watching football on the television. Ledan stood in front of the television, trying to keep his excitement in.
“Mama! Daddy! I’m going to have a birthday party, right?!”
His mother chuckled as she picked up Ledan, placing him on her lap. “Of course, honey. Why wouldn’t we?” His father turned and looked at the two, smiling at them. “There’s no way we wouldn’t throw a big party for our big boy.”
Ledan smiled cheerfully at them. “We love you, Ledan.”
Ledan smiled a bit, remembering the time when he was happy.
“Ledan?”
Ledan looked up, seeing Inna looking concerned. “Ah, sorry… I guess it’s been a while since I last smiled too.”
“By the way, Inna… You are a lot more kind than when I first met you.”
Inna face flushed red again, looking away from him. “I...It’s because, there’s something about you that makes me want to be nice. I’m usually just a bitch.”
Ledan looked at her, confused. He couldn’t help but wonder what a nice person like her was doing in a place like this, but he shrugged it off. He placed a hand on her shoulder, smiling at her. “Well, I like you too… Inna.
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137,430 Literary Works • 672,016 Reviews
Hey Kanome! Danni here for the requested review!
I haven't read the previous chapters, so forgive me if I misunderstand anything.
OK, nitpicks:
You missed out the final speech mark.
Either change 'are' to 'is' or change 'everyone' to 'all the people'.
Also, you need to add a bit more description. We don't know what the rooms look like, what the characters look like, anything. That's probably my biggest problem.
You also need to work on your paragraphs - start a new paragraph every time the scene changes, somebody speaks or a new character is introduced.
OK, nitpicks aside, I really liked this! It was very well-written and had an interesting plot. I'll come back and review the others when I have a little more time.
Keep up the good work!!
Danni x
Hey there Kanome! here for a quick review. Hope it will be, so let's see what Ledan and Jay are up too...
getting on the floor on his knees. I recommend the phrase "on the floor with his knees."
picking up the pieces that Jay left, left who seems like Jay left it how it was displayed. Since Jay flipped his board more like, "the pieces he left scattered around."
If I'm Ledan. I would be shocked/surprise/stunned/dumb-shocked/or completely acting stupid or clumsy when Inna suddenly say "I actually like you"
walking with Inna to the Tv area. so, where have all the chess pieces he's holding? He still brings it to the room or left it on the flipped-chessboard?
towards the living room. you forgot the word room.
I'm pretty lost here. I did assume a place like this was in a library or just comfort room based on the first paragraph's description. But how does a nice person like Inna can't be in a place like (library/comfort room).
So that's it for my review. This has a chapter in a novel. So I may lose some understanding in this chapter. But, so far this novel has a smooth flow it. Hope I can continue to review everything one day! Keep up the good work.
Thanks for the review! The place they are currently in is prison, but I know there are some prisons, they have a rec room to watch tv, play boards, etc. I guess kinda like Orange is the New Black? Anywho, thank you c: