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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

Voices of the Ice: Chapter 1 *DEPRECATED*

by tigeraye


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Cold snow blanketed the small and wintery town of Frostville, a shabby and dilapidated village pocketed within the southern pine forests of Alesiah. Between the heavy winds and seemingly never-ending frost fall lived a small boy and his older sister, June. Unbeknownst to either of the orphans, one of their lives were about to change forever. The other one was about to die.

“Come on, August,” June pulled her little brother out of the cramped makeshift hut, his freezing hand trembling at her gentle touch. “We haven’t eaten in days. Aren’t you in the mood for a piece of bread that isn't stale?”

August opened his eyes and his blurry vision came to, his older sister coming before his eyes. June's skin was pale, and she was both short and gaunt, extremely bony due to malnourishment. Yet her courageous blue eyes shined marvelously, and when she smiled, an aura of toughness emerged that grabbed the attention of both the men and women of Frostville.

But the kind of attention her aura drew was not the kind of attention anybody would possibly want.

The small and dirty boy staggered to his feet with the aid of his sister, the thick snow sliding off his clothes and unkempt hair. An uncomfortable pain settled into his chest and stomach.

“What will it be today. Begging or stealing?” June asked.

August pouted, the chest pain heavy and bitter. “Well. Begging is easier,” he said. “But stealing is more exciting.”

“Yeah, I know. And begging just takes longer,” June returned. “But you know what, at this point, we’ve already begged from half the town by now. But the other half knows we steal things. They're more careful around us. I mean, they know who we are. You know what I'm trying to say? August.”

August clutched his midsection in pain. The lack of food in his belly was causing his stomach to shoot acid straight up to his esophagus – he was so hungry that he was hurting. He didn’t want to take longer. He wanted to eat.

“There’s one part of town we haven’t hit yet,” August said.

June’s mouth widened. Her eyes glowed in shock. She had no idea her little brother was so bold. “You don’t mean. No way. No way, August. Not the warehouse.”

August grinned through the pain. “Yeah. The warehouse.”

All the way on the other side of Frostville, shrouded in mystery and darkness was what the villagers all called the warehouse. It was a strange yet imposing wooden shack sitting cumbersomely near the wintery forests, heavily protected by a sea of armed guards at all times.

“You know the stories around the town,” June reminded her brother. “All the guards that protect the place year round, with their big guns. And they aren’t the nice kind of guards. They’re supposed to blast anybody’s head off who gets too close to the building.”

“I know the stories. But think of all the riches that must be inside there,” August rebutted. “If they have all those people guarding it? Come on, June. We could eat for the rest of our lives. Real food. We could have a house for ourselves. And nobody would bother us. Nobody would do those things to you that they always do.”

June gulped and gravity closed her eyes. She hated when August brought those things up. But she was hungry. So hungry that her legs were starting to feel wobbly underneath her. The thought of sultry and scrumptious meat, real meat, real ham and baked potatoes and clean, ice cold water down her throat. As much as she wanted. No more being cold. A real house, warmed by a fire. She could stand by it as much as she wanted. Everything she could've wanted, her brother was dangling the prospect right in front of her eyes.

And so she pulled her eyes open. “Okay,” she said in a wavering voice. “We’ll steal from the warehouse.”

It was the six words she’d come to regret for the rest of her life.

“But how would we even do that?” June further pouted, shaking the snow out of her long brown hair. “The warehouse is supposed to be guarded by marauders. And from the stories, they don’t take prisoners.”

August nodded. “Exactly. The only people who are allowed there are the guards.”

“You’re not saying we should try and pretend to be guards to get close to the warehouse,” June said. “We’re kids, August. They’ll never believe that.”

“They wouldn’t believe us pretending to be guards,” August admitted. “But what if someone else does the pretending? Just follow me.”

The orphan siblings staggered across the town through the cold snow, enduring stares and jeers of villagers and guards.

You little brats aren’t getting a penny from me today. The wind hastened its wrath, ravaging their brittle bones.

Gutter thieves. That’s all you two are. Nothing but trouble. Leave this town and leave us be.

You sure are adorable, little June. Word around town is you also like sucking on meat hoses.

The orphans made their way to the small home of Rodney Bunkins, an old friend of their father. August knew he was a coward.

“You bratty little orphans?” the bald, gruff man scoffed as he opened his door to the sight of the two unkempt youngsters. “What are you two doing here?”

August pulled a small knife from his side and raised it to Rodney’s chest. “Let us in or I’ll slice you right up,” he boasted.

Rodney flinched. “Fine, fine,” the middle-aged man lamented. “Gods. Okay. Just put that thing down. No need to hurt me. See?”

The three headed inside the cozy house warmed by a paramount fire, smelling delightfully of fresh bread and cheese. “Get a sack out and fill it up with some food for us,” June demanded, a serious look in her confident eyes. “I mean it. Or we’ll cut your throat before you can even tell the guards.”

Rodney nodded in agreement. A sense of empowerment overcame June. When it came to eating, two options always crossed her mind – begging or stealing. In all her fifteen years she never realized that there was always a third option. Coercing.

“Yes, yes,” he said, shuffling to the countertop and opening a wool sack, beginning to deposit pieces of fruit and cheese from it. “Is that all you want?”

August shook his head. “We also need your help,” he said, accepting the heavy sack of foodstuff from Rodney. “The warehouse. North side of the town. We’re going to break in and steal from it.”

“The hell you aren’t,” Rodney gasped. “That building is swarming with marauders all over the place. They’ll blow your brains out as soon as you get close.”

“That’s where you’ll come in,” June explained. “You’re going to disguise yourself as an overnight guard. You’ll sneak us in your luggage.”

“Everyone protecting the place overnight has to bring luggage,” August elaborated. “Things to sleep with. Food to eat. Stuff like that.”

“And what in the name of the gods makes you think I’m going to help you?” Rodney said. “What made you even think—”

June cracked a smile. “We’ll kill you if you don’t,” she said.

The words made her heart thunder with excitement. How could she never have realized how much people feared death? If she threatened people with the idea of dying, they’d give her whatever she wanted. It was magical. It sent a wondrous feeling up her spine.

“We’ve killed people before,” August gulped. It was a lie, but he needed to drive home the fear to get Rodney to help them. “We steal things. People tell the guards on us every once and a while. Those people end up going on vacations. If you know what we mean.”

“Okay, okay.” Sweating and panting heavily, Rodney closed his eyes and exhaled. “Gods. Alright. I’ll help you steal from the warehouse. Just don’t kill me.”

“Great,” August said. “Just one more thing we need from you – a bow and arrow.”

That afternoon, back in their dark and cramped alley, August filled his belly with delicious cheese and bread. June nibbled, but felt awfully queasy to chow down as much.

“So, we’re really going to do it,” she pouted to her brother. “We’re going to break into the warehouse. With all those guards. Ready to blow our heads off.”

August yawned. “You worry too much.”

“I don’t think we should go through with it,” June quickly responded. “We’ve got Rodney scared of us. We can just get all the food we want from him.”

“Don’t be a baby,” August said, standing to his feet, refreshed with a full stomach. He clutched the wooden bow in his hands and smiled. “Everything is gonna be okay. And I’ve got some scouting work to do to make sure of that.”

“Come on, August. It’s dangerous. We can’t—”

“Don’t follow me,” August said. “Or else.”

Ignoring his big sister’s pleas like little brothers so often do, he stormed out of the alley and began a journey towards the north side of Frostville. He hiked into the forests, where with the arrow over his shoulder and a quiver full of sharp arrows latched onto his back, he scrappily climbed a tall tree.

August gazed into the distance, witnessing from a great height the sight he or his sister never thought they’d see. A mountainous hut carved completely of wood from the forests, the roof covered in white snow. Half a dozen men dressed in identical midnight-colored armor and wielding incredible guns, massive weapons, stood gazing at the distance. Guarding the mysterious warehouse with all their attention. Young men, all of them excluding one, who was gray-haired and wrinkled as they get.

Perhaps an adult would come to their senses, realizing that if they were somehow spotted in that tree, their life was over. But he was a twelve-year-old boy. Common sense didn’t come into play yet.

He grasped an arrow from the quiver. His hand was not shaking, it was steady, and he was confident as he wrapped his fingers around the thin string, pushing the nock against the firm, thick material.

His right eye locked onto the elderly guard. Like a hunter targets their prey.

June should have stopped him.

The arrow went flying towards the elderly guard at the speed of sound.

The elderly guard barely had time to grunt in pain as the arrow pierced his neck. Blood splattered to the skies, and the guard fell as the snow around him became coated a crimson red with his blood. Dead.

August jumped from the tree, landing in the snow. There he laid, watching as the other guards worriedly crowded around their fallen coworker. Breathed a sigh of relief. The hard part was now over. All he needed to do now was wait to see what they did with the body, so he could uncover it and steal the armor for Rodney to disguise himself with.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” June whispered into his ear. “Did you just murder somebody?”

August jumped, taken utterly off guard at his sister’s arrival into the forest. “How else are we supposed to get the uniforms,” he whispered. “Our plan will be ruined if we leave now!”

“That arrow came from the forest,” one of the guards shouted. “Go! Find whoever did this!”

“Did you hear that?” June said. “Run!”

The teenage orphan sprinted off through the forest, and reluctantly, August followed after her. They hitched it all the way back to their cold and cramped alley, and by that time, the sun vanished to engulf the entirety of Frostville in darkness.

“What the hell is your problem?” August said. “I told you not to follow me into the forest. And you did it anyway. You did it anyway, June.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” June responded. “You were going to get your arse killed had I not gone towards the warehouse. Speaking of kill, did you really murder an old man?”

“I hate you,” August sneered. “You ruined everything. We could’ve had it all. We could’ve lived in a warm house, and eaten food every day but you ruined it. You’re the worst.”

June shook her head. Her eyes were watery – not because of what her little brother said to him, they’d argued and made up before – but she'd never imagine he'd be a murderer. Not in a thousand days.

“I don’t even know who you are anymore,” she said. “I’m going to go sleep somewhere else tonight. You’re scaring me. You really are.”

She started out of the alley. “Wait,” August cried out. “June, come on. June!”

“Don’t follow me,” she said, disappearing into the darkness of the wintery night. “Or else.”

August felt guilty, but not overly so – he wrongly assumed it was just another argument. Like the ones they and every other sibling in the world had a dozen times before. Ending a life takes a mountain of energy, so as soon as he laid his body in the cramped, makeshift hut he’d called his home for the past seven years, and shut his eyes, he drifted straight off to sleep.

Only to wake up hours later to the stench of blood in the air.

He jumped to his feet. Light speckled in. Towards the edge of the alleyway were four men dressed in midnight-colored leather, wielding bright torches and monstrous guns. In front of the four men was a tall and suave fellow. He wore a nice coat and a fancy-shmancy hat, had long, luscious hair down to his shoulders, and a set of dangerous brown eyes. He was buff, and evidently muscular despite his skin being clothed by black gloves and long boots.

His left hand was wrapped around June’s neck. Her mouth was bound with gray tape.

“Looks like you made quite a mess for us,” the suave man said in a strange accent. “Rogan was a good man – and you killed him. Just like that.”

August gulped. “I didn’t do anything. I swear to the gods—”

“Be quiet,” the suave man said. “We know everything you did, lad. From your plan to disguise poor Rodney as a guard, to your arrow that killed Rogan. Luggage, huh?”

“…”

August couldn’t bear to look at his sister as she kicked and pulled, unable to break the suave man’s grasp. The fear in her eyes was overbearing. The thought that he was about to lose her, not just his sister, but his only friend in the entire world – he couldn’t focus on it. His mind wasn’t ready for the grief.

“My name is Wolf,” the suave man declared. “What I’m about to teach you is that every action has a consequence. Rodney is gone. His death was extremely painful, and its all your fault. And now this is going to hurt the both of you, won't it now?”

August’s mouth widened as he lunged towards his sister, only to be tackled by two of the armed brutes. They held him down, and all he could do was watch in tears as Wolf brandished a sharp dagger.

He shut his eyes. All he could hear was the blade ripping into his sister’s skin, the awful thud as her body hit the ground, and all he could do was cry. Cry and regret what he’d done, wish it was all a dream and he could just wake up, wake up from this awful nightmare, have his sister at his side again and tell her how much he appreciated having her around.

“That felt good. Now lad, come with me,” Wolf said. “I’m adopting you. Your life as a orphan is over. Son.”


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745 Reviews


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Tue Jan 31, 2017 7:18 am
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Lumi wrote a review...



Okay! So I'm not one to give line-by-line critiques, but you will get strong impressions and meaningful takeaway from this--hopefully.

First-off, the whole deal with the ice theme is tooootally on the nose. If it's a wintry town with scenery, that's cool. I can jam to that. When it infiltrates the name of the town, you need to hit the drawing board and get some good names from your cranium.

Secondly, and I feel most importantly, this single chapter contains the murderous content of what I feel is 2-3 chapters at normal pacing, which is to say you have enormous pacing issues. This can be remedied, though. You just need to slooooow down and take your time with the characters. Give June time to come into her own before you off her within 20 pages.

I really want to see the orphans' relationship develop more so I feel more at June's death because right now, it's just eh, guess that's a thing. It's...it's like if Rue had been underdeveloped in The Hunger Games (well, more underdeveloped than she was - like in the film.) Her death would have so little immediate impact on the reader; but because we have so many scenes bonding and surviving with her, her leaving is visceral and real. It hurts us.

June does not.

Finally, Wolf is introduced as a no-holds barred antagonist, and I hope further chapters give him character flesh with redeeming qualities that make us care about him beyond being the guy to root against.

All the best,
Ty




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Tue Jan 31, 2017 6:37 am
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Omni wrote a review...



Hey there tigeraye! First of all, thank you for requesting a review in my thread, it means a lot! Let's dive right in.

Cold snow blanketed the small and wintery town of Frostville, a shabby and dilapidated village pocketed within the southern pine forests of Alesiah.


Snow is already cold :D, and the adjective "wintery" here is pretty self-explanatory from the snow right before it. Also, it would be "wintry," not "wintery".

Unlike the adjectives/adverbs above, I do like the use of dilapidated here. It works well, and unlike the unnecessary repetition of snow, dilapidated here adds on to the feeling of snow and winter set by the introduction. It gives a sense of isolation and deprivation adding on to the cold!

Unbeknownst to either of the orphans, one of their lives were about to change forever. The other one was about to die.


Oh this is a pretty cliche line to have, but I think it works here.

“Come on, August. It’s dangerous. We can’t—”


So, it feels like these kids change their minds too often on going to that warehouse. I think that mostly I think that because this all goes pretty fast from the first thought of stealing from it, to them stealing from Rodney, to now.

There he laid, watching as the other guards worriedly crowded around their fallen coworker.


crowd* EDIT: Jk I was falling asleep here so I got this mixed up. You fine.

“That felt good. Now lad, come with me,” Wolf said. “I’m adopting you. Your life as a orphan is over. Son.”


Wow, I like it. This was an interesting way to end this.

General Thoughts

Well, I'm glad to asked me to review this, although I'm afraid I don't have too much to critique on this, since it was well written and offered a simple but effective storyline.

I noticed your comment about "flat dialogue" and I wanted to say a bit about it. I don't think your dialogue is flat, per say. You do have personality here, but I think what's messing people up is how much these two MCs change their viewpoints here too much. At one moment, August is starving and can't think much at all, the very next scene he's egging his sister on to raid the warehouse, and then he's threatening to kill a person, then he actually does? Well, it's just hard to believe that all of this can happen to someone so young, but even more-so in just a chapter.

So, my suggestion is to split this chapter up into multiple ones, and focus more on each scene. It'll slow things down, and give both the writer and reader time to learn more about the characters' personalities. It would also give us more time with June to emphasize with her more before she dies. Right now, this all moves so fast that it's hard to focus on and care about any one scene. So, elaborate, give us more of June's and August's thoughts while they're starving, or even maybe have them go and steal something.

Anyway, I hope this helped, and keep writing! <3




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:26 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hi, Tigeraye! Storm's here to do a review. I suppose I can just jump right into it.

I thought that this was quite good. You used a ton of description, your writing was very mature, and your premise was interesting. However, I found a few issues with the story.

Cold snow blanketed the small and wintery town of Frostville, a shabby and dilapidated village pocketed within the southern pine forests of Alesiah.

Woah, that's a lot of description and information in this first sentence. Cold snow? That a bit redundant, everyone knows that snow is cold. There's no need to tell the reader something that they already know. I think that this first sentence would do better if it were separated into two sentences, it might be less of an info dump that way.

But the kind of attention her aura drew was not the kind of attention anybody would possibly want.
Why is the attention she gets not the good kind? You say this and then don't elaborate, it's just a little confusing. Later, you clarify this, but I'm not sure I like this line. You could take it out altogether and it wouldn't have much impact on the story.

The amount of description you have is great, but not all of it is very strong. I'll use one of your sentences as an example
He hiked into the forests, where with the arrow over his shoulder and a quiver full of sharp arrows latched onto his back, he scrappily climbed a tall tree.
Sometimes adverbs aren't strong enough to rely on as descriptive words. Verbs can be just as descriptive and much stronger. For example, you used 'scrappily climbed' while the verb scrambled was just as appropriate and with using a verb you make your descriptions more concise so they don't drag on.

August shot the guard in the neck? Has he used a bow before? That seems like an awfully good shot for a 12-year-old boy. If he's going to do that, maybe you could explain that he's used a bow before and is quite good at it. It just struck me as odd that he would be so good if he's using a bow for the first time.

So June's dead. I actually love what you did here. Your characterization of August was done very well. However, I think that it would be more powerful if you didn't outright tell us that someone's going to die. It also could be made more powerful if you elaborated on that scene some more. It seems too short.

In the entire story, I think your weakest point is dialogue. It often feels flat. Reading dialogue aloud is an amazing way to fix this; try to imagine your character saying that line. Does it sound okay? Does it sound like something that they would say? You can show a lot of you character's personality through dialogue.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this a lot. You told the story very well and your writing style seems very cultivated and mature from lots of practice. Your weakest point would be your dialogue while your strongest point is the actual writing. You keep the flow going; nowhere does it seem to choke up or stumble. You did a great job! Bravo!




tigeraye says...


thats frustrating, i get "flat dialogue" complaints quite often and reading them aloud doesn't seem to help. i'll have to additional research on dialogue before i get into the next chapter. thank you for all the reviews you've done today.



inktopus says...


I'm sorry I can't be of more help with the dialogue. I've never had a problem writing it, so I don't really know what to say other than that.



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Thu Jan 26, 2017 6:29 am
EvangelineFire wrote a review...



Hello! I'm EvangelineFire and I'm here to review your chapter. :D Hopefully this helps you out a little bit.


Before I begin I just want to mention how well written this was. You seem to have mastered switching between long and short sentences, making this very easy to read. It all just flows so smoothly and really complements the storytelling. Excellent work.

My first bit of criticism is how either one of them thought going to the warehouse was a good idea. I get August is suppose to be an over-confident and unreasonable twelve-year-old, but doesn't he have any sense? He knows how dangerous it is over there, he knows about all the guards and has heard the stories, and yet it doesn't seem the least bit difficult for him to decide to go to the warehouse. And June isn't much better. She seems the more reasonable of the two, but the fact that she agreed with him without even much of a fight shows how naive she really is.

My fix for this is to show how much they are struggling. At the beginning, you told us how hungry and cold they were, how desperate they were for food, but I honestly didn't feel it. I need to see the starvation. I need to feel their suffering. Show us the cold, hungry nights, the cruelty of the villagers around them. Not only will this help justify them going to the warehouse, this will bring the reader and your characters that much closer. Show us them struggling, then present us with a resolution we can root for.

I don't believe the whole scene with Rodney. Actually, I don't believe that these orphans are still in this village. How haven't they been caught by guards yet? You haven't given me any reason to think that they are experts at remaining unseen--to be honest, they seem a little helpless. So why doesn't everyone immediately call out for guards whenever they see them? You've made it apparent that everyone knows they are thieves. It all just seems extremely unrealistic.

But back to Rodney. Weren't there any guards around when they first showed up at his house? Were there no neighbors around that he could call out to? Yeah, they pulled a knife on him, but I honestly don't believe that Rodney is that afraid of August and June. What have they ever done that would justify their bluff at killing him? August and June are twelve and fifteen, no adult with half a brain would take them seriously, unless they've blatantly done some really scary stuff in the past.

On a more positive note, I also wanted to say that I was impressed with the POV in this chapter. At first I thought it was following August, but later on I realized it was Third Person. Personally, I find this POV hard to read and equally difficult to write. But you seem to have it down. Not once was I confused and it all meshed together really nicely. Whether this was your intention or not, you did it really well.


The following are nitpicks/minor corrections:

"were about to change forever." It should be 'was'.

"The other one was about to die." I think you should remove this line. It just takes away from the impact of the line before it.

"June was attractive" This is really out of place. From my experience, brothers would never find their sisters "attractive". Sure, they might acknowledge that they're nice looking, but I don't think it would ever be to that extent--unless of course the brother was messed up and perverted. And I'm not saying don't let us know that she is attractive. You can describe someone as attractive without flat out saying that they are. Use flowery words like dainty, rosy, etc.

"she pouted to her brother." I feel like she does this a lot and not for any apparent reason. She's already agreed to get stuff out of the warehouse, so why is she still objecting? I don't think this is the correct word you're looking for.

"his little cold hand trembling" This is the first bit of description we get for August and it's a little bit off-throwing. Whenever author's use the description "little hands" I immediately imagine the character as a child, between the ages of 5-8. Maybe I shouldn't assume that, but August is twelve. I have a brother that is twelve and his hands are not little.

A little thing that I wanted to mention were the names. While the idea of having both orphans named after months is cute, personally it was a little confusing. I kept having to remind myself that August was the boy. June was easy to remember, but August has a more feminine ring to it that really me messed up. I'm not saying you should change it, I'm just bringing it to your attention.


Well, I hope this review was somewhat beneficial. ;) If you have any questions or need clarification about anything I've said above, please ask. I'd love to talk more about it. Also, I'd really appreciate it if you tagged me when the next chapter is out. I'm eager to help you out with future installments.

- Evie <3




tigeraye says...


Rodney's character and the competency of the guards are things I can definitely elaborate on in the next chapter. Thank you for reviewing!!




“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas