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Young Writers Society



Voices of the Ice: Chapter 2

by tigeraye


Part of June didn’t want her estranged grandmother to give her anything to eat. She hated to realize it, but there was a vindictive side to her, a side that wanted her grandmother to prove what she thought of her correct. She wanted to believe that her grandmother was an evil, cruel woman, and that morality was as black and white as the dreariness of living on the freezing streets of Frostville. A bitter fallacy she failed to understand.

And she was scared.

Thus without intending it, when she knocked on the door of her grandmother’s home, her heart was pounding and her muscles were shaking, and her emotions were confusing and conflicting. As if what she desired to want from confronting her grandmother was not actually what she wanted at all.

The door creaked open, and the aging woman winced at the sight of the orphans. They barely managed to see her graying, unkempt hair and beady eyes before she started to slam the door shut.

“Wait,” June said, holding it open. “Grandmother.”

“Mrs. Ruth,” the middle-aged woman corrected. “Your brother can call me grandmother, but you can’t. You call me Mrs. Ruth.”

June gulped. “Yes. Sorry, Mrs. Ruth.”

“That’s better. Now what the hell do you want?”

“We’re hungry,” August said, feeling his stomach grumble. “Neither of us have had anything good to eat in a long time. Can we just come inside, Grandma?”

Mrs. Ruth lamented. “You’re welcome to come inside and have as much to eat as you want,” she said. “But your sister has to wait outside like the animal that she is.”

“But that’s not fair,” August sneered. “You can’t let me in to eat and leave her out in the cold.”

Something about their argument made June happy, even if she didn’t want to feel so.

“Well that’s the way it has to be,” Mrs. Ruth said. “You’re lucky I even offer to let you eat my food anyway. The way the Wolfgang keeps raising taxes, I’m going to end up on the street with you two.”

June shook her head. “We don’t feel bad for you. We’re your grandchildren. We’re your grandchildren and you’re making us live in an alleyway.”

Mrs. Ruth cuffed her fists, mockingly rubbing them against her eyes. “Crybaby. You should’ve thought of the consequences when you murdered your father.”

June scoffed. “Are you really going to try to say that was a murder again? Pa's death was an accident, and you know that already.”

“You’re wrong, Grandma,” August said, frustrated over the foul attitude towards his sister. “It wasn’t her fault. Pa dying was an accident. Nobody could’ve done anything about it.”

“The Nevonian Language you possess is nothing but danger,” Mrs. Ruth said. “I warned your father a thousand times. He should’ve killed himself to wipe it off the face of the world but then he bore children. Now June, you know it. You have the knowledge, and the only way to get rid of it is for you to die.” 

Uneasiness crept into her voice with the final word in the sentence -– die.

“I know it too,” August said. His voice was shaky, as if his brain realized this was the wrong thing to admit, but couldn't stop his heart from spitting it out. He couldn't stand to see his sister hurt. Even if the words were more satisfying than damaging to her, he didn't know it. “Bet you didn't realize that, did you, Grandma? Pa taught the language to June and I both. So stop yelling at her.”

Mrs. Ruth gulped. It was certainly something she was not expecting to hear – this awful language, the root of the orphans’ persisting troubles – the same language that lead to the death of their father. The entirety of the time she assumed it only belonged to June, but to hear that it belonged to August as well was both astonishing and frustrating. But it also broke her heart.

“You're lying,“ she said. “Liar.“

“It's the truth,“ June hesitantly admitted, unsure if it was such a good idea herself. “He does know.“

The middle-aged woman froze. Closed her eyes before beaming them towards the young boy. “Then I retract my offer for you to come into my house,” she said, almost a cough, uneasiness in her voice. “You both should die. Die before anyone else learns about the language.”

Their grandmother slammed and locked her front door before the siblings could have a chance to rebut. She couldn't hear a rebuttal – her soul wouldn't allow it. She said what she believed, but at what harm to her own flesh and blood? Was the truth worth it? Was the safety of strangers worth the loss of her family? Her disappearance back inside her home left the orphans to contemplate alone whether or not she had the correct idea.

But before they could contemplate too deeply, a tall and suave man approached from the distance.


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Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:51 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by with a review today. I went ahead and read your (edited) first chapter before reading this one.

So, I like this already. You've done a great job of introducing conflict already, and you've used it well to introduce the characters. I think it's great that we already see June's vindictive side, who's bitter and just wants to be right.

I do think that you could be more subtle about showing it, though. You mostly just state that she feels this way when I think it could be a lot more powerful if you show it through her body language, feelings/visceral description thereof (e.g. "something cold and hard twisted in her gut*), and her direct thoughts that exemplify said vindictive side. Readers will be able to pick it up if you do it well, and it'll make the scene feel a lot more tense and make June feel more interesting if you let the readers work out this contradiction for themselves.

This same thing actually applies for the emotions of the other characters in the scene - you do a good job of using body language and tone to convey emotion, to the point that the extra telling can just bog it down.

Lightsong already touched on this, but this does seem to either be in omniscient tense, or you're slipping POV when you talk about what August and the grandmother are feeling. Personally, I find that kind of deep omniscient, when you have complete access to the characters' thoughts and we jump around whenever to be a little confusing, and it's not commonly done, so just be aware of what you're doing. Honestly, the reader can probably infer the emotions you used POV hopping to tell us they feel, again by using body language, etc. I'm not going to tell you not to use omniscient, though, because you know better than me whether it's necessary for the story. :P Just be aware of the pros and cons.

Mrs. Ruth cuffed her fists

To be quite honest, I had no idea what you meant by this. Did you mean "clenched"?

“But that’s not fair,” August sneered.

Sneered didn't really seem to fit to me. That would imply he looks on her with derision, when it seems more like he's pleading from the dialogue.

I'm really interested to know more about this forbidden language, and of course the man that's approaching. And that's all I've got for today!




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Fri Feb 03, 2017 11:39 am
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review. :D

First paragraph draws my attention in an instant. I'm intrigued with June's relationship with her gramma and why she wants to portray the latter as a bad person. Not to mention her moral compass that is strictly North or South. My only suggestion is to replace some pronouns with the names because there's a little bit too much her/she in there that it might confuse some readers.

... emotions were confusing and conflicting.


What emotions and how can they be confusing and conflicting? Now, we know what's June's expectation of their gramma, but we aren't really getting sufficient clues that tell how she feels when she's that kind of thinking. We know she's scared, but what other emotions she's experiencing that collide with the original feeling? Give more clarity.

All right, so gramma is an ass and June's expectation is justified. You have a knack of showing villainous characters (I'm reminded by the olderphile serial killer story you've written) and we are given a interesting tidbit that motivates the gramma's behavior in the form of her son's death. I also like how June and August stand against her, clearing my worry of them being typically timid orphans.

When August tells gramma he knows the cursed language too, I'm confused as to what kind of PoV this story is told from. Is it third person limited or omniscient? If it's the latter, the execution isn't that bad, but we don't have a clearance that is the case, which raises some questions over which is which.

Towards the ending, we know gramma is doing what she thinks is right, and this makes her character more interesting and in fact the most in this chapter. Situations where a character has to make a difficult decision are effective to let me wonder their course of action as well as their character development. The relevation that she's shutting them away in fear of the possibility of her belief wavering makes her not such a bad character. I would like to know more about and what'll happen to her.

And of course, the ending is an intriguing cliffhanger, effective to keep readers reading. Who's this guy and what he is going to do with them? This question needs answering, so kudos for making me miserable like that. x

Overall, the chapter is solid, the characters are interesting and the dialogues are believable. There are more things I want to touch on but I think this is sufficient. Keep up the good job! :D




tigeraye says...


haha, warm meals and dead bodies. i actually pulled the uploads a long time ago because that chrissy girl who was doing reviews of it said her mother was surfing this website to make sure it was safe, and i didn't want to cause an epidemic when she found that story.

so, yeah, the whole emotional predicament june is facing is that she and her brother are hungry, and she thinks she wants her grandmother to give her food. but this sinful part of her wants her grandmother to give her nothing, because she already has this mental picture in her head that is painted her grandmother as this cruel and evil woman, and she wants to be proven right just like everyone loves to be proven right. and while mrs. ruth is cruel, she's not entirely evil. thank you for reviewing.



Lightsong says...


Ah, I see. That one was thought provoking, surely. You're welcome! :D




When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings.
— Dean Jackson