Within the wintry forests of Alesiah laid the town of Frostville, a shabby and dilapidated village characterized by powerful winds, perpetual snowfall, and citizens being pushed around by criminals all the year round. Within the southern pocket of the cold and perturbing town was a dark alleyway where June and her brother called home. Unbeknownst to either of them, their young lives were about to change forever.
“Come on August,” June said, pulling her brother out from underneath the snow, awakening him from his light slumber underneath a makeshift, ineffectually-protective tent. “We haven’t had anything to eat in a week now. We’ve got to get going.”
August pouted, staggering to his feet outside of the tent, too cold to sit still any longer. “We ate three days ago,” he reminded her. “What are you talking about?”
“That raw meat you found in the garbage?” June said. “We were throwing that up all night.”
The two orphans paused, remembering the unpleasant feeling of coughing out pure stomach bile for an entire night. Most know the agony of vomiting in the warmth of their cozy homes, but few know how even more agonizing it is to vomit in the distressing, brutal cold of Frostville.
Neither one of them was in a hurry to relive the experience, but they were still hungry, and they knew they had to find food before they became too weak to even leave the alleyway.
“What will it be today?” June asked. “Begging or stealing?”
August pouted out of indecisiveness. He reached to the ground and scooped up a handful of snow into his bare palm, letting it sting at his skin. He lifted it between his teeth, taking in a mouthful of the slushy liquid.
“Well begging is easier,” June mused, a finger to her chin. “Less consequences that way, and we don’t have to worry as much about peeving off Wolfgang.”
She watched as August wiped the rest of the snow off his mouth, then off the side of his tattered clothes. “But the problem is we’ve already begged from just about everyone in the town. I don’t know who we can go to that’ll give us handouts anymore.”
“Yeah. They all get annoyed after a while.”
“That’s what I mean.”
“But what about the warehouse?”
June jumped backwards, snow flying off her unkempt, dirty brown hair, taken utterly aback by her brother’s suggestion. “The warehouse? Are you insane?”
August shrugged. “I’m just thinking maybe we could—”
“That place is crawling
with Wolfgang mercenaries,” June cried. “No. No way. We’re not headed to do something stupid like break into the
Wolfgang warehouse.”
“But who knows what kind of treasures they’re hiding in that place,” August
said. “With all those guards. It must be like, tons of gold, or food, or
something like that. Come on, June, think about it. We could afford a home. A
real home. A warm home, instead of living in a stuffy alley like this. We could
eat warm food every day, just like when our parents were around.”
“No.” June folded her arms and turned her head, plating her feet as a strong gust of wind threatened to push her aside. “We’re not stealing from the warehouse. End of discussion.”
August pouted. “Then what if I use it?”
“Is the cold getting to your head?” June shouted, now engulfed in anger. “No.
You can’t use the language, either. Let’s just go to Grandmother’s house. Maybe
she’ll hear us out this time instead of yelling and kicking us out.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
This looks to be the start of a very good book. I especially like how the Wolfgang is referred to. I think that's done very well, without any actual explaining, but still gives you the idea of what they're like.
My main complaint is the description of the town. It's just too short. It's supposed to describe the setting, but there just isn't enough information given. I also wouldn't refer to the Wolfgang there, I think that the orphans talking about them does a very good job.
The second revision I can see is easily fixed. If the orphans haven't eaten for three days (and threw up everything for the past week), they would still be alive but would be weak and desperate, easily stooping to robbing a house for food. The easiest solution is to just change the length of time that they haven't eaten in.
Also, a passing reference to the orphans' back story (aside from mentioning Grandmother's house) would be good. Why are they orphaned? (don't reveal yet) Why aren't they in an orphanage? (I wouldn't reveal that yet, either). But I would try to give a hazy, vague reason for something like that.
I hope that's helpful!
Hey tigeraye, Apricity here for a review. Since this is pretty short, let's review this paragraph by paragraph.
This line however, seems more fitting for a plot or summary than in an actual chapter.I like your opening, it's a strong opening and you offer good descriptions. The only thing though I'm curious about is the use of criminals here, I don't know if it's the right word. From the rest of the chapter, it seems that these two children are not only orphans but also outlawed in some ways. Criminals are only criminals because they violate and do not comply with the law, however, if they manage to push citizens around they'd imply that they are the lawmakers. It's something worth expanding a bit more and explaining who these people are in your story.
Moving on, I know these children are orphans and they aren't living in ideal situations...but I'm kinda confused. Are they in a tent under the snow, or in a tent made of snow? If it's the first, then you need to be a bit more clear with your expression because the impression I got from was that they were living in a makeshift snow tent. Which, is not only cold but I'm sure even some place like a sewage (ok maybe not that) or some abandoned building would be better.
, August is indeed constantly pouting throughout the chapter. But I want to call this pouting into question, it doesn't quite fit the mood, or the situation of the story. Pouting is usually associated with spoil kids who can't have something they like, and hence pouting. So...I don't think a starving, orphaned kid pouting is the exact right expression. And...why would he be complainng about getting food (I assume they're perpetually hungry and hence perpetually wanting food). is there a reason why he doesn't want to find food?
They're oddly optimistic from orphaned, starving kids but I won't question this at the moment. Perhaps they have a reason for being so optimistic yet (cynical in a way). It's a rather refreshing read actually, but I do hope that you reveal the reason as to why they aren't in absolute misery over this current situation later on, because most would be.
The warehouse intrigues me and I wish that you've talked about it more, obviously the two of them has some knowledge of it. And if August were going to suggest that, I assume that he also has a plan in mind. Then at the end of the chapter, we see something new 'the language', I assume you'll explain this in later chapters but you've got my interest. Yet, you've also revealed to us that...they in fact do have a home. It's their grandmother's, although they've been kicked out but why? (The sequencing of where you've placed this information might be more beneficial at the start of the chapter, so the readers know the situation of August and June). It'd make more sense as well to put this after you introduce what kind of place Frostville is, overall you've got a good premise. The plot seems promising and your writing is quite good, I look forward to reading future chapters!
If you've got any questions, please feel free to ask me by either commenting or sending a PM. I hope this review helped you in some ways.
-Apricity
Hey! New reviewer here, so bear with me;
Pros:
1) You have a really solid start here. I think you have a good concept here, from what I've read so far.
2) Your character development is promising. Character descriptions give us a hint at the personalities and the dynamic between the siblings.
Ok now for the hard part. These are less raw criticisms and more like things I would like to see.
Cons:
1)Your intro is a little sudden. I would love it you would have set the scene a little more in the beginning.
2)What is the Wolfgang? Who are they? Why are June and August afraid of them?
3)Be careful about action descriptions. Make them realistic. For example, "June jumped backward...taken utterly aback by her brother's suggestion". No one I know literally jumps back when they hear a ridiculous idea. I understand what you were going for here, but just keep in mind that readers will take what you say literally.
4)Word Suggestion (take with a grain of salt): Change "pouted out of..." to "shrugged out of..." I think it fits better with the context of the scene.
Thanks for letting me review your work!
Keep going! Would love to read more,
Jimss23
Hey, tigeraye! Lupa here for a review!
Let's begin...
I feel like you could tie off that paragraph much better. You can just delete that sentence if you want too--it's not really necessary.
You can tag me when the next chapter comes out, if you want. Keep writing!
1) A part of your beginning is quite cliche. The whole "life changed forever" part is sooooo overused.
2) "June said, pulling her brother out from underneath the snow, awakening him from his light slumber underneath a makeshift, ineffectually-protective tent." Whoa! There's way too much information in this sentence. Break it up into little chunks. Say, "June said, pulling her brother out from underneath the snow. He awoke from his light slumber underneath his tent--"tent" meaning a makeshift, ineffectually-protective structure that did nothing to keep out the cold." That was a bad example, but you know what I mean.
3) "Most know the agony of vomiting in the warmth of their cozy homes," There are some serious oxymorons going on here. "Agony" and "cozy homes" don't exactly fit together all that well. You can highlight the contrast between June and August's situation and normal situations, but don't make it too unrealistic.
4) It looks like you tried to finish your chapter well, but it's missing the complete ending that it needs. Maybe you could include one last little detail about August's reaction to June--him rolling his eyes, or something like that. Just something minor.
This was an interesting, although short, read. I would love to see more of what these siblings do. And since you mentioned Wolfgang and his warehouse, I want an explanation.
XOX,
Lupa22