Although it was dark around the group of five, Leia could see the shade quite clearly. It's misty outline expanded or deflated occasionally, but it was still easy to see the shade that was advising them. They had been talking about ways to find the secret place they were searching for, their conversation punctuated by screams coming from the Fields of Punishment. Right now, the shade was giving some infuriating news.
"What?" Sammy asked, leaning forward in disbelief. "Please tell me I'm hearing wrong."
The shade shrugged. "Lord Hades refuses to meet you. If you want directions anywhere, it's better to ask Thanatos. Or maybe the Kindly Ones."
"Why is Hades so darn stubborn?" groaned Silena, turning her back on the shade and glaring at Leia. "Now what?"
On her head, Leia could feel the wren's claws digging deeper into her scalp. "There's a lot of things you can do, missy," replied the wren calmly. "For instance, search the Underworld yourself. Or do what the kind shade suggested."
"Not trying to offend you, bro, but the things that the kind shade suggested are a bit crazy. Might wanna put that one in the insane asylum... if they have one here," Festus retorted. "Seriously--Leia's parents know how fierce the Kindly Ones are. It's not like we can stroll up to them and ask them directions to some unknown place without getting severely injured."
But Leia could tell that Bianca was deep in thought, not paying attention to their conversation at all. "Go tell Lord Hades his granddaughter is outside," she intervened quietly, directing her comment at the shade. "Tell him that she needs his help."
The shade's eyes widened. "I thought I could smell the Underworld on you," it stammered, then disappeared. Literally. Leia watched as it vanished in a little puff of mist.
"Well, I mean, it's not like we're in the Underworld right now. The shade can probably smell Underworld on all of us. I need some deodorant," Festus joked. All five of them managed a small smile.
"This just might work. If Hades knows that his granddaughter is outside, he might take pity on us and let us in." Sammy looked optimistic, and if Hades continued to decline Leia knew that she would feel terrible at her friends' countenances.
"Don't get your hopes up, guys," warned Leia. Bianca nodded in agreement. "My parents don't know Hades for being generous. And he's not likely to suddenly grant our favors and have a nice teatime chat with us."
Silena looked like she wanted to say something, but fortunately for Leia her friend kept her mouth shut and waited for the news. Meanwhile, the wren fluttered around them and landed randomly on somebody's head like it was playing Duck, Duck, Goose.
A few minutes later, the shade they'd just conversed with appeared again and bowed to Bianca. "Hades welcomes you to his palace," the shade informed them.
"Dude, Hades was just like, Don't bother me a few moments ago. Now he's all, Oh, I welcome you to my palace, please take off your shoes and let me polish them for you." Sammy smiled at Festus's comment and followed the shade inside, glancing around warily at the unfamiliar surroundings.
Leia, however, was too busy gaping. The room they'd just entered was as grand as the throne room of Mount Olympus. Although the theme of it was significantly different, the evidence of godly living was shown in all of the furniture. A throne of polished black crystal drew her eyes to it as soon as she came in through the entrance. And although the crystal should've been reflecting Leia and her friends' faces, it displayed distorted images of wailing souls trapped in the Fields of Punishment and Tartarus. Leia wondered if Hades really liked sitting on the grotesque faces.
Beside the throne was another throne, this time weaved of bloodred and silver flowers. Before Leia could inspect it too closely, however, footsteps tapped crisply on the compact floor. Leia and her friends all glanced up simultaneously to observe the intruder--Hades himself.
"Hello, Bianca," Hades greeted them. Or rather, his granddaughter. Bianca managed a half-smile and curtsied a bit, looking unsure of herself. Leia was struck by how similar he seemed to his daughter. Though his smile seemed crueler, and his eyes had a madman's gleam, they still had the same nose. His skin color was exactly like Bianca's. And as he inspected Bianca, his eyes softened a bit, making them more like Bianca's gentle irises.
Smoothing his leather jacket, he stepped up onto his throne and settled back into the chair. "Now, let me see. Granddaughter of Poseidon, granddaughter of Zeus, grandson of Hephaestus, and grandson of Mars. Why, you haven't killed each other! Wonderful!" Hades delivered the news in the same tone that he would use to inform them they'd just won the lottery, but Leia heard an edge to it. Like, if you do one thing I dislike I'm kicking you into Tartarus. And after her parents' description of Tartarus, she didn't want a one-way trip there.
"Lord Hades," said Bianca respectfully, "we would like to request your permission to do something and ask you a question about the Underworld.
"Well, that depends on the situation," Hades replied, lounging on his throne. He seemed like he was ready for a story.
So Leia related the entire thing to him, from hearing the prophecy at camp to riding the wren across the River Styx. Hades nodded with interest at most of the story, and Leia hoped that that was a good thing. She needed the god on her side.
When she finished, Hades was silent for minute. Finally, he made his decision. "I will allow you to search," he said. "But you will not do one thing to disturb the Underworld." His smile unnerved Leia. He looked sly--like maybe he knew something that they didn't. But Leia pushed that thought aside. Surely he wouldn't hurt a group that included his daughter.
Hades made a shooing motion with his hand. "Now, go. I have better things to do than listen to suppliants." With a sigh of relief, Leia turned around and inclined her head to the door. Sammy led them all out, and a shade closed the door behind them.
"Okay, now that we're allowed to search... where do we start?" asked Festus, looking around with wide eyes. "This is a huge place, you guys."
"The Fields of Asphodel," Sammy replied with confidence.
"Uh, quick question," Silena interrupted the boy just as he was about to continue. "How exactly are you so sure about this?"
"I... I don't know," he said. "I just have this hunch, you know? My mom used to have this ability with finding her way through tunnels, and stuff... I guess I have it too?"
Leia smiled. "That's great! Now this should be a bit easier. Bianca, can you take us there?"
The granddaughter of Hades nodded and started walking east. Leia and Silena walked side by side after her, and Sammy and Festus brought up the rear. Together they made their way across the morose Underworld, holding on to a sliver of hope.
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137,630 Literary Works • 672,054 Reviews
Specifics
1. I'd generally advise you to start a new chapter on a little bit of setting description to help ground your reader, unless you have a really interesting piece of dialogue. 'Say what' is a bit standard so I think reminding us who's in the scene and where the scene is would be better. Assume that every reader put your book down between the last chapter and this one and then write something to draw them in again.
2.
3. This is phrased a bit awkwardly and I'm not sure if the next line of dialogue is said by Leia or Bianca since both have been mentioned in this sentence. Maybe 'But Leia could tell Bianca was deep in thought.' and then use Leia said or Bianca said to clear that up.
4. Countenances feels so awkward here. Maybe 'her friends' disappointment' would read better.
5.
Overall
This felt a bit too easy! I'm a big fan of Hades and I was ready for him to say something really sly or to give them a hard choice but just like that he gives his permission. Sure there's the whole don't disturb the underworld thing, but it didn't come across as very threatening. I think Hades needs to seem spookier, especially when we have Leia thinking about what her parents have said about him. Or he needs to be sickly sweet and for Leia to feel suspicious about it.
Besides that, the chapter flowed well and I think you had some nice descriptions of the throne room. A little more surrounding the shade and the mannerisms of the other characters would be nice. I think you've got good dialogue for Festus and Bianca has an interesting quietness/ politeness about her which seems at odds with who her grandfather is but the other characters fade into the background a bit.
All the best with this,
Heather
Don't worry. I've got enough plans so that Hades definitely seems like a serious creeper later.
Thanks for dropping by!
Hey, Artemis! I'm here for a quick Review Day review! I know that I've reviewed a previous chapter, so hopefully jumping in right here won't be too much of an issue!
Although I know that Rick Riordan used many extreme similes like that throughout most of his works, they're still uncomfortable to come across despite the source material. (I know that he has actually used the hard of hearing one and it was uncomfortable even when he wrote it.) While it's purely a stylistic choice, it's also -- in an odd way -- trivializing the subject at hand when using a mental disorder or a physical disability to describe something. There are better, more descriptive ways, to say that someone wanted a sentence to be repeated or expanded upon.
I've gone back to read the previous chapter and then I skimmed over the one before that, but I can't find the original mention o the shade. While the name can be self explanatory, perhaps a smoother introduction with description of this shade would be in order to ease it into the chapter. Because I'm confused as to who or what it is and what it's purpose was other than telling the crew that Hades wouldn't be able to see them. It feels like a scene of explanation had been lost right there.
Assuming that Festus takes after his father, then I would probably put 'kind shade' in some sort of quotations in order to signify sarcasm. Otherwise it reads awkwardly.
The section in bold was really clunky and unnecessary. Unless there was another shade just came out of nowhere, then we're already familiar with the one that's being referred to. It hadn't been so long that the reader had simply forgotten about it.
Like Percy often did, I would probably add in a brief description of what hades looked like and what he was wearing. Perhaps even noting some resemblances between him and Bianca, in order to give the reader some point of reference. It's always tricky with fanfiction -- with knowing what to include and what to leave out -- but brief descriptions are always helpful in order to refresh memory!
I'm confused as to why she thought it was a question. He stated it as a command and there was no question mark in the text, so that line there doesn't really work.
I do hope that you will keep on writing!
-Adrian, Knight of RED
Thanks for the review! You're right--fanfictions are tricky.