"No way am I going through that portal," announced Silena. "Who knows where it'll lead us? I'm not taking the risk."
"Silena," Leia pleaded. "You have to! If you're not going, we're going to have to leave you here. And I know you won't want to be left here with all these souls." At this Silena paled; she obviously hadn't thought of the consequences of staying behind.
"Yeah, Silena, you have to go. Besides, if we leave you here, who knows what'll happen to you?" chimed in Sammy, trying to help Leia's argument. Silena looked like she was about to hurl, but she nodded reluctantly.
"I'm going in, guys," said Festus. "Follow me if you dare!" Then he waved and jumped into the portal. Bianca looked fearful, but she was the second one to go in. Then Leia forced herself to go in, anxious about what lay behind it. That's silly, she thought. I was the one who convinced Silena to go in! But nothing could make Leia willing to enter... except the fact that she would have to complete the quest.
So she held her breath as if she was going underwater and stepped through, hoping that she wasn't walking into thin air. Thankfully, her foot touched solid ground on the other side and she ducked through the swirling surface.
Once she was through, she noted that her friends were standing next to her with relief. Sammy popped into view, and then Silena ran out, trying to get away from the portal. By doing so, she knocked into Festus and sent them both sprawling.
"Honestly, can you try to stop beating me up?" Festus glowered at her as he picked himself up. "It's been hard enough, you know."
Silena said nothing, standing with a dignified expression. Leia looked around at their surroundings for the first time, trying to judge where they were. Bianca voiced the question first. "Where are we?"
A voice behind them answered her question: "You're in the home of Erebos."
Leia whirled around, trying to see where the voice had come from. But although she could see her friends because of the light of the portal, they were still enclosed by darkness and she couldn't tell if there was anyone else. The speaker had kept to the shadows.
"I must say, I haven't had company in a long time," continued the voice.
"Who are you?" cried Silena, coming up to stand beside Leia. Bianca looked confused and searched the dim light for whoever was talking. Strangely, Festus and Sammy were frozen behind them. They weren't moving or breathing, and Leia started panicking. What if they were like that forever? She couldn't let that happen to them.
"I came to get my revenge on the primordial gods. It seems their descendants were foolish enough to come. Ha! I suppose the genes carry. But no matter. You are here, and this is what I have been waiting for."
"This is why we're the only ones moving," whispered Leia to her friends. "I'm from Poseidon. Silena's Aphrodite and Zeus, which is double powerful. And Bianca's Hades."
"That's right, sea spawn," the voice boomed. Leia jumped, not realizing that he had heard.
"You still haven't said who you are. Who are you and what do you want?" asked Silena.
She was the only one brave enough to ask the questions, Leia realized. Bianca was to tacit, and as much as she hated to admit it, she was scared of the voice. Maybe Silena, being the more powerful and braver one of the group, would lead this attack. She was partially worried about her friend and partially relieved that some of the pressure was taken off of her. But this still wasn't answering Silena's question. What exactly did the voice want?
"That's simple," the voice said. Something in its tone made Leia's skin crawl, as if thousands of bugs were scurrying all over her skin. And when the voice answered, the bugs stopped and her blood began to run cold.
"I just want to play a game of hide and seek."
Leia was plunged into darkness.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hey Art! I hope you're doing well.
This is being nitpicky, but it's usually better if you place dialogue tags (the part I underlined) earlier in the character's section of dialogue. In this case, it would be best to stick it after "have to go." That way, your readers will know who's speaking throughout most of the dialogue. The way you have it now, I might have to read the paragraph again once I'm enlightened with the fact that Sammy is speaking.
This is all fine and dandy, but what does it look like when Festus and Bianca jump into the portal? Does it swallow them like quicksand, or suck them in like a funnel in a water park?
I like that. Even though I haven't read any other chapters, I can glean what kind of relationship these two share.
I like that too. It shows how prideful she is. That's pretty good that I can read one random chapter from your book and know a few personality traits of the different characters. Good job!
Did you mean to say "too tacit?"
Oh goodness, that's terrifying! Great writing, and great cliffhanger.
Really nice job on this. I always love a good Greek/Roman mythology adventure, since as a writer you have the freedom to introduce so many different monsters and methods of escaping them. Seems like you're a pro!
Great job, and keep it up!
Hey, Artemis. Happy last few minutes of Review Day!
"No way am I going through that," announced Silena. "Who knows where it'll lead us? I'm not taking the risk."
Having read the last chapter, I know that Silena is talking about the swirling oval thing (the portal, which you reveal later on). However, it would be an excellent idea to clarify this at the beginning of the chapter in a short paragraph of description, before you get into dialogue. Some people shut books and don't return to the next chapter for days (or months, in extreme cases) so it's important to have slight refreshers at the start of each new chapter. Even just one sentence saying what they're doing would be great.
"Honestly, can you try to stop beating me up?" Festus glowered at her as he picked himself up. "It's been hard enough, you know."
I honestly love Festus so much. You've done such an amazing job with this character. And you haven't even just cloned Leo, he's an individual person with unique traits. Well done.
"You're in the home of Erebos," answered a voice behind them.
Here, I would just swap the dialogue tag around to the beginning of the sentence. To achieve the dramatic effect of a strange voice, it's important that I know a strange voice is speaking before I start reading the speech. Otherwise I might imagine one of the usual characters are talking and that would ruin the flow.
Great way to end the chapter on another cliff-hanger! You love your cliff-hangers.