Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
every time you say the word
"tranny"
i want you to look down at your hands
and i want you to see the blood of my people on them
and i want you to know that their blood is now on your hands
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi!
Thanks for requesting a review I don't have much to say because this is so short, but here are the few things I think you can work on:
First let me say, I think you have fabulous ideas, and if they were drawn out some and explained a bit more than you would have some really great pieces of poetry here. I think making them so short leaves the reader feeling empty, like they missed it. For example: Who are trannys? Why does society hate them so? Are they hurling themselves from windows landing in the streets of the free, heart broken and shattered? Are they silently suffering in their own skin, pinching themselves off an inch at a time? You don't have to answer these per betum (word for word), you can be artistic, but try showing us some great details about why you feel so strongly about these issues.
Also, try studying some on punctuation and capitalization in the resource forums. It makes your work more formal and understandable.
I know you can do it! You have wonderful ideas, and I am so glad you let me read your pieces! If you have any questions feel free to ask!
xoxo,
Rascalover
Thank you! All of the punctuation and spelling errors are intentional ^^ I do it to have something of an ee cummings style. Although, I admit, I should've added a little more to the poem! I'll probably edit it and repost it when I do that. Thank you very much!
Okay I love this poem. It's short and sweet and to the point. I feel like you hit the message spot on, there's nothing more to be said. My favorite part is "and I want you to see the blood of my people on them." Your making the monsters take responsibility for their words. My only guess is that this poem is targeted at society itself, and how much the judgement of the "normal" hurts. I love this poem. It shows so much heart and so much soul. It's a beautiful peace.
Thank you very much for the kind review!
My only problem is that you didn't capitalize the first letters of the first words of the sentences, and there needs to be punctuation. But other than that this is a great poem. Okay, I'm not sure if I got this right but by this poem are you talking about suicide and how the words of society affect the people who are called "tranny"? If I did get this meaning right, props to you for conveying this is in this terse poem.
Again great poem, the message was heard.
Actually I did that on purpose ^^ the structure of the poem is meant to be something like ee cummings, with no or little punctuation/capitalization
Alright, cool. Was I right on the overall message of the poem?
Yep! Spot on