Don't review you say?
Well....
SURPRISE BUSTER!
You have some interesting stuff here, but what I am concerned about is how you are writing a particular section near the beginning. This section is, and I wont quote it all, everything from
Up untilHe opened the door and saw a man with a gun standing there.
"This is private property." The man grumbled.
"Bye." She said heading back to the car.
Now, before I get into particulars, what is wrong with this section? Well I think you can visually see what is wrong. You have a new paragraph for every single line for a staters, which is okay with dialogue, but even your non-dialogue things have their own paragraph, which is getting a bit tedious. Ontop of that each line isn't even one line long. It is completely cut short and jumpy, lacks description, lacks anything. You are saying everything in the most basic way possible.
There is one very significant thing which makes this section so monotonous, and that is that every single sentence you use, uses about 3-7 words. The most flat, boring, unflowing like amount of words you can constantly put in a sentence. This makes the entire writing drag, and turns it into a series of statements over and over again. And it's all kick started off by this first line:
He opened the door and saw a man with a gun standing there.
This is the most anticlimactic sentence I have read in the past month. Just look at it, he opened the door and saw a man with a gun standing there. Not only is it blunt, but it is so generally casually blunt its like a fact. You wrote it like a fact in a newspaper and although the description of this actual event within itself is quite short, you can have flow leading up to and and leading down to it, building tension when this random guy with a gun comes along, the reader needs to feel something rather than having it as a nonfictionish statement.
Look at what follows:
"This is private property." The man grumbled.
"Oh. I didn't realise. Sorry, we just needed a place to crash for a while." Luke said yawning.
The man grunted and turned around, walking off.
It's all very lalalala how's the weather today? Good? Okay bye. Sort of thing. The man just says one thing and then leaves. Its so... mundane. What is really going on here? What is the point in the man even existing at all? Why does he exist in the story? We don't know what he looks like, we don't know what type of person he is. He could be a business man with a gun. He could be a farmer with a gun. He could be Kim dotcom with a gun. And then he just leaves. Its all very futile. Everything that comes after that is short and blunt and lacks a flow or passion. First draft yes, getting ideas down, yes. But I think if you are going to publish on here you should fill in a bit more description, especially if you want to hook some readers in. So far everything feels like a shell. A bare outline or a basic script, a sketch before the artist does the detail. Ideas aren't bad. I'm interested in why these dudes in a car are on the run or something, but in general the statements are so empty.
A random nitpick
Limited to 1 twenty minute shower a day.
You need to write "Limited to one twenty-minute shower per day."
Okay so this is chapter two. All good, but are the readers going to care enough about your characters at this point to be interested in romantic erotic shower scenes together? Especially considering the genre. I also find it very.... interesting how descriptive that scene was in comparison to the rest of the story. I know I don't really want to know about their sexual relations this soon on in the story but that's just me, do what you like.
Anyway, have fun with this critical review when you asked not for one. So too bad
(If you don't want reviews maybe you should show the story on feedpads instead, since reviews is what we post them for. And they are also here to help us improve our drafts.)
Points: 10657
Reviews: 332
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