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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Hey, Tiana here for a review. As a disclaimer, I'm not a poetry expert; take my suggestions with a grain of salt
Okay, so, for me this is almost a Satire poem, particularly with the language like "suck, ain't" etc that is very informal.
But even though this is such a simple poem with very little to it, a lot is said. Meaning, you have said a lot without saying very much at all. I love poems like that. In this, it's almost like a ballad/prose.
The good thing about this poem is that we can really relate to it, you haven't pointed out exactly what you are referring to but we get a gist of what it's about and we can make our own scenario up which fits this description (which sadly there are a lot of things!)
I'm not familiar with the satire genre or doing these sorts of poems so in no means am I an adequate suggestion-person but for me, I feel this would be better if the last line jumped out at us more and was a bit more meaningful.
Thats all from me! Happy writing! - Tiana
Why must things be formal?
I never said it has to be, I said for it to be classified as informal, it fits the Satire genre.
But why satire?
okay sorry
Hello there, Luata here for a review. It's a bit early in the morning, so you'll have to forgive me if I begin to be a bit nonsensical. Apparently when I'm tired, I get very verbose, so I apologize ahead of time for that. As you are the author and I am not, feel free to do whatever you would like with my suggestions; use them, contest them, or ignore them. I hope that this proves to be at least somewhat helpful. If you have any questions, feel free to drop a comment or PM me, I'd be very pleased to chat.
Overall
To be really honest, I didn't really understand what point you were trying to get across with your poem. It was a bit hard to read, with all of the short sentences, but that is probably because my personal aesthetic prefers the poems with a lot more flow. I'm assuming the abruptness was a style choice? Because I forgot to say it above, the majority of my reviews come from my personal aesthetic in regards to poetry, so someone who prefers this type of poetry may be a better person to get a more constructive review.
Grammar
No grammar nitpicks here, at least, none that I could find.
Flow
Like I said earlier, your poem doesn't really have any flow, but I'm working under the assumption that that is a style choice.
I didn't really understand why you ended the poem this way. It seemed very abrupt, but I'm also having trouble understanding what the subject of the poem is? Or who the narrator is, for that matter. Maybe it's just because I'm really tired and my brain is having trouble keeping up! ^_^
Anyways, I look forward to reviewing your future works!
~Luata
Wubble.
Cheers for the review.