z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Secret Service page #3

by cvandoren1


We stared at each other in silence. I didn’t reply. My mind was too busy thinking of ways to get out of this situation. I really didn’t want to kill him. But would I, if I had to? It was either that or be thrown in the dungeon. Which would result in my family dying from starvation. There’s not much of a choice.

“You have quite a skill. I haven’t seen anything like it,” the boy says, studying me. “Most people can’t steal from a Royal Guard.”

I stare at him, startled. Was he . . . complimenting me? On stealing from him? “Well, I guess I’m just like everybody else then. I obviously can’t steal from a Royal Guard either. How long have you been following me?”

He smiles. “Ever since you left the tavern.”

How had I not heard him? Apparently, I am getting very sloppy.

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to turn you in,” the guard says, grinning. He holds out a hand. “I would like my money back now.”

Why does he keep smiling? Does he not realize how serious this situation is? I take a step back, my dagger still pointed at him. But my hand is trembling a little bit because my arm is getting tired from holding it up so long. I shake my head. “No way. This money is mine now. I need it more than you do anyway.”

“I’m sure that’s true. But it is against the law to steal and I am supposed to enforce the laws. So let’s not make this harder than it has to be,” he says, slowly getting up.

My weapon follows his heart, but I take another step back. What am I supposed to do now? I quickly glance around. There is no one out on the dark lonely streets. The gears in my mind turn quickly as I try and figure out what to do. I can only think of one thing.

I sigh. “Fine, I’ll give you back you’re money. But don’t touch me.”

I see some of the tension leave the guard’s shoulders as he relaxes. “Thank you. And I promise I won’t get near you.”

I slowly start to pull the pouch of money out of the pocket of my cloak. I take it out and start to hand it over. The guard opens up his hand, waiting. But I never actually give it to him. Just as the leather is about to touch his hand, I quickly turned and slice his arm with my blade. He lets out a shout of surprise and clutches his arm, his sleeve already soaked in blood.

I don’t waste a second. I am out of there and running. But not towards home. If he follows me, which he probably will, I can’t put my family in harm’s way. That’s the last thing we need right now.

I race through the village, my worn shoes making hollow sounds as they slap the cobblestones. My blood is pumping and my heart is roaring in my ears. So loud that I barely miss a shout behind me.

I spare a glance back and see the guard running after me, still clutching his arm in a very funny and uncomfortable way.

“Boy, you better stop!”

I keep going, ignoring him.

“I said stop!”

I keep running. Well, until I hear the sound of a gunshot. The next thing I know, I’m on the ground, clutching my left leg. All I can feel is pain. There is so much pain. It’s ripping through me like an untamable fire. I let out a shriek and then everything goes black.

***

A warm cloth is being pressed against my forehead. My leg feels numb, the pain subsiding to a dull throb. I open my eyes, blinking rapidly. I jolt when I see whose hand is attached to the cloth on my head. It’s the boy from the Royal Guard.

“What-?” I croak, my voice cutting off.


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Tue Jul 08, 2014 6:50 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

First off, I really like the first paragraph of this chapter. I like how we really get into your MC's mind. There aren't many stories I've read where this isn't done. The MC just stands there, and we're told that they're thinking about something, but it's not spelled out for us. Here we not only know that your MC is trying to figure out what to do, but was also know what he's thinking. It's always nice to see that because then we know what he's about to do. It's like we have an inside fix.

Now, I like how you leave this chapter on a cliff hanger, but I don't think it's the right cliffhanger. The part about your MC getting shot in the leg would've probably been the best place to stop. Think about it; we'd be here wondering what exactly happened and if your MC survived. You take away that mystery by adding in the ending there where he wakes up. And I think the part where he wakes up is a great way to start out the next chapter. Just my thoughts on the ending.

I would like to praise you on your character development. You're only in the third chapter of this novel and you've given us a lot of information about your MC. I feel like I really know him and I can predict his actions and reactions to certain situations. I think it really helps that you're writing this in first person. That way we really get into your MC's head since he's the one telling the story.

Like I said in my previous review, I would like to see more description here. Find some ways to fit it into the next chapter, if you haven't finished it already. Like I've said, description and imagery is very important. I want to know what the setting looks like.

Another good chapter you've got here. I can't wait to read more! Let me know when you post the next chapter :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**



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cvandoren1 says...


Thank you so much!



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:23 am
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 for here to review this work for review day, cvandoren1. I certainly hope this helps. I am sorry if this review is shorter than normal.

Was he . . . complimenting me? On stealing from him
I recommend that you change the questions marks to ...'s.

Aside from that one error I couldn't find anything else. Albeit this was a really short chapter. I suggest that you try to lengthen this up a little bit. I think that one thing this work could use is some more description. All I know is that it is dark and it takes place somewhere in England.

I must say, you are brave to try writing in first person present tense. Not too many people can pull it off. I hope that this turns out well. I have tried doing that once though I haven't finished the work and I am currently working on something else. But I need to get back on topic.

I think you did a good job of the suspense and all but the problem is that nothing really happens aside from people getting hurt. You may want to up the rating or at least mark this work for violence by the way, just in case.

I found myself upset with your character. I mean he must be stupid to try and rob a royal guard. I think he needs to get I brain. But that doesn't mean this wasn't a good chapter. Humans can be really stupid sometimes. Happy writing, and happy review day! :D



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cvandoren1 says...


Thank you!



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:18 am
MaryEvans wrote a review...



First and most important: make up your mind when it comes to tenses. I looked at “page 1” and it was mostly in present tense narration, this one begins in past, veers into present, and yeah. Pick one and stick with it through the story.
(Also no page 2?)

The chapter starts a bit too sudden. I understand it’s a continuation of something before it, but still I would look over those starting paragraphs and maybe slow down or elaborate, you know build up that tension.

“back you’re money.” Your.

“I slowly start to pull the pouch of money out of the pocket of my cloak. I take it out and start to hand it over.” A bit of a repletion with start. Careful with those.

The ending is a bit too sudden too. Maybe cut chapter when he loses consciousness and resume the next when he’s taken care of.

Overall not bad for a draft, but you really need to work on that narration. Straighten up the tenses. That’s pretty much my biggest complaint. Also take your time through the action, no need to rush. Else, keep up the good work; you have a really nice grasp of pacing.



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cvandoren1 says...


Thank you!


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cvandoren1 says...


Just to let you know there is a page 2. I just thought I had published it, but I really hadn't. Here is the link The Secret Service page #2

And as for where to start and end my chapters these are pages, not chapters.

Thank you again so much for your review!




Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning