I shake my head to clear my thoughts and head in the opposite direction that Henry had gone. After going through a few more halls, an aroma slams into me. The delicious aroma of food. My stomach growls and I follow the smells all the way to a large wooden door. I slowly push it open, peering in. The kitchen is huge, almost the size of my house in Redreef. There are pots and pans everywhere I look and a precariously stacked set off dirty plates beside one of the seven sinks. It is very noisy, with people milling around in every direction. No one has empty hands and anyone who pauses for just a moment is rewarded with a yell by a short chubby woman in an apron with bright red cheeks and is assigned to something else that needs doing. They flinch every time she spares them a glower. She must be the head chef. And she sure has her hands full. I count at least twenty other people in the kitchen who are cooking, including one scrawny girl with tangled red hair hanging over her face in the midst of them, trying his best to mop the floor without being trampled. In the middle of the kitchen is a tall, isolated table that is crowded with dishes of food. That is what I have been smelling.
I slip through the door, not being able to stop it before it slams behind me. Every one stops what they are doing and turns to stare at me. I freeze, my throat suddenly dry.
The chef storms up to me, her cheeks getting even redder than before. “What are you doing in my kitchen?!”
“I- I’m sorry,” I apologize, my voice catching. “I didn’t mean to interrupt anything. I was just coming in to get a bite to eat. I would greatly appreciate anything you could spare.”
The woman studies me, taking in everything from my hungry eyes to my scuffed shoes. I feel as if everyone in the room is holding their breath. The chef must be someone that is feared. Finally, she sighs. “I suppose you can have something.”
She turns and with a wave of her hand, everyone drops what they are doing and all gather around the table. They each grab four dishes, two in each arm, and exit the kitchen through another doorway. One man walks through before the rest and I hear him announce that dinner is served. When it opens, I glimpse people sitting around a long dining room table. At the head, sits King Ernest, beside him are Queen Cara and Henry. For a moment, I watch him laugh and talk with his mother before the door closes again.
Then it is just the chef and I . . . and the girl who is still mopping the floor. She looks relieved now that everyone else has left, but still wary with the chef.
“Take a seat, hon. You can call me Mrs. Harsh,” She motions towards a seat at the table.
“My name is Keri.”
I obey, my stomach growling again. Mrs. Harsh steps into a large pantry and comes back with a loaf of bread. She takes it to the table and sets it in front of me. Part of it has mold on it, but my mouth begins to water anyway. I can’t even remember the last time I had bread. She takes out a knife and scrapes off the mold and then cuts me a small piece.
As I take it from her, she watches me closely. I am so hungry; I can’t help but stuff it in my mouth. When I finish, I smile up at her.
“Thank you so much for the bread,” I say, getting up to leave.
I see surprise light up her eyes and she tells me to sit back down. I sit.
“Hon, you barely ate anything! You aren’t from around here are you?” she asks.
“Why would you think that?”
“Most girls in Sorington would rather faint than eat a piece of bread that had mold on it, much less thank me for it afterwards.”
I narrow my eyes, confused. “But the bread didn’t have mold on it. You cut it off before giving it to me. It was perfectly edible. For someone to waste such food is ridiculous.”
Mrs. Harsh smiles, something I didn’t know she was capable of. “I am glad to find someone that actually has good sense. I was beginning to lose hope.”
“When you are used to going days without decent food, you are grateful for anything you can get your hands on. Just a month ago, my family had to eat tree bark for every meal for four days,” I explain, shrugging as if it was no big deal. But it was.
I was shocked when I saw tears were forming in her eyes, though they didn’t spill. Then she said something I never saw coming. “Don’t worry. You will never go hungry again, as long as I can help it.”
Maybe this woman isn’t as mean as she pretends to be. I slide of the chair and stand. “Thank you. I’m afraid I have to get going.”
“Of course, of course,” Mrs. Harsh says quickly. “Just wait a moment.”
I watch as she runs back into the pantry, this time with a loaf of bread that doesn’t have a trace of mold on it and is still a little warm. She hands it to me and I give her a smile of thanks before leaving the kitchen.
I wait until the door is closed before unwrapping that loaf and stuffing a piece in my mouth. I let out a muffled sigh as a mixture of warmth and sweetness unravel in my mouth. I haven’t eaten anything this good since . . . I feel tears forming at the edge of my eyes, threatening to fall. Since Isaac and I got our last big catch together. I can remember the gold coins flowing through my fingers as I rejoiced in the reward. My family had plenty to eat for at least two months. And I made sure Isaac’s family had the same.
“Keri!”
I turn, my sad thoughts vanishing. I see the girl who was mopping the floor in the kitchen rushing towards me. “Yes?”
She stops before me, breathless. “I just wanted to let you know that I have never seen anyone sweet talk Mrs. Harsh like that before!”
I raise my eyebrows, confused. “Sweet talk?”
“Yes! Well, not exactly sweet talk, but it’s like a miracle,” the girl babbled. “Mrs. Harsh’s daughter died just two years ago from a terrible sickness and she would have been our age if she was still alive. Ever since, Mrs. Harsh has been overwhelmed with grief and hasn’t spoken to anyone like she spoke to you!”
I could not help, but like this girl. She was so full of joy, and despite her position, she did not appear to be the kind to complain. That was refreshing.
“What is your name?” I ask.
“I’m Ada. I work in the kitchen in exchange for a place to sleep and food to eat.”
“Where is your family?”
A clouded look overcomes Ada’s usual happy self. “I don’t have a family. They left me here when I was seven years old. Just abandoned me on the front steps of the castle under the cover of the night. A guard found me and took me to Mrs. Harsh. She was short on kitchen staff and so I got to work.”
I would like to say that I am shocked that someone would just leave their child, but then I would be lying. I am simply just sad and my heart hurts for Ada. “You started working here when you were only seven?”
She nods. “Mrs. Harsh is kind enough to act as a mother to me as much as she can. I am not much of a cook, but I can clean as well as the next person. It’s not so bad. Better than most people have it. I have a warm place to sleep and am never hungry.” She giggles. “And I am always ready to taste test Mrs. Harsh’s new recipes!”
I let out a small laugh and am about to say more when Mrs. Harsh calls out for Ada. The girl goes back into the kitchen to resume her job. I find that I really like Ada. I’ve never had a friend that is a girl, unless my sisters count. I’ve only ever befriended Isaac and that only was because we had such similar lives and could help each other. I am liking Sorington better and better.
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Canary word: Present
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Hello.
Haven't read previous parts. Just going off what I see here.
I'm wondering why this is in historical fiction, to be quiet honest. You don't have any identifiable time period at all, your king did not exist, and the hometown is made up. The thing about historical fiction is it must be actually historical; that's in the name of the genre.
You can most certainly have a non magical historical setting with made up places, but that would be under "realistic" fiction instead of "historical" fiction. If you're lacking any honest to goodness history, then you do not have historical fiction.
That out of the way.
The character motives are a little murky here. I can't really tell why the character walks in despite the head chef being very rigid, and I can't tell why she gives the main character food despite appearing to be very protocol based. Character actions have to have a reason for existing, instead of simply working along what the plot demands. What is it about these characters that makes them behave the way they do? You need to hint at these things in how characters behave just so readers understand what's going on, and everything feels realistic. Right now, the actions don't feel very realistic simply because I don't know why they're happening.
There's also a certain lack of tension where I don't really feel any stakes. There's nothing going wrong, the argument was over at the start of the chapter, and you don't pick up new tension with the kitchen. The thing about writing stories is you have to keep tension gradually going up, without that many lulls that are absolute lulls. Once you hit a certain point in the story, such as by part ten, there should be a drive for reading the whole way through. There should always be stakes, always be something that makes us worried for the character. This right now lacks such stakes.
Overall, this needs more fleshing out. Give the characters a motive, give us some tension, and you'll be well on your way to something amazing.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Thanks for the review!
Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Sorry, that I don't know what's exactly going on here. I'm just going off of what I see here.
Firstly, I would like to comment on how you start this off in a rather dull way. A description of a kitchen? Don't get me wrong, you gave me a pretty good image of the kitchen as a whole. But I was still bored. I would suggest starting if off with her/him going through the kitchen, maybe bumping into stuff and the like. Obviously, they are going to be discovering the person rather quickly, but I hope you get what I mean. Describe as you along. Don't put all the description in the same paragraph. That's just about the best way to get a reader bored to death. Keep it exciting and they'll want to keep reading.
Typically you don't have two points of punctuation one after the other. I would use the exclamation mark for this one, as it's already implied that this is a question by the context of the sentence.
Hmm, this made me think a little. Why exactly would she give him something if she's known for being mean? I would think that someone like that wouldn't do that, especially in front of the entire kitchen. Unless I've gotten the wrong idea of this woman, which is understandable since I just picked this up, I don't think it would work with her agreeing to giving the kid something to eat. Hope this makes sense. ^^
Semi-colons are generally something that you try to avoid, as they break the flow of the sentence. For a sentence like this you can always use conjunctions like, that and but, ect..., They not only flow better, but they also look better to the eye.
Nice work here. I loved this.
This isn't going to work, I don't think. You need to show this, and not just say that she felt sad and her heart hurt for her. Show it to us, instead of just telling. Make our hearts hurt for Ada, too!
Period after "Mrs. Harsh[/i] instead of the comma. It's an entirely new sentence, so you need to show the full stop.
Okay, I think that's it! Just the main thing that you need to work on here is to try and split up the description in that first paragraph. Keeping a good feel of their surroundings is one of the most important things to remember when writing. You get that down, and you'll have this down to an amazing read before you know. Let me know if you have any questions. ^^
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thank you so much for the help!
Hello! I'm Sheep. sorry you had to wait so long to be reviewed.
You painted a good portrait of the setting, it seems to be one of your strengths. You also gave a good description of character.
I'm going to go through a couple nitpicks, and then I'll cover the dialogue.
'an aroma slams into me.' -aromas do not ever slam. They are like smoke-they carry on the air, and are usually pretty light.
'there are pots and pans everywhere I look...' period between 'everywhere' and 'look.'
you mention a 'scrawny girl' who is trying HIS best to mop up the floor. Guy or girl? Also, is there any real significance in specifying that person at that time? Because you don't actually need an 'example' here.
'I freeze, my mouth going dry.'- dryness brings to mind heat. Also, mouth's don't just go dry after they start watering from hunger. You have to have your narrator swallow their spit(I know, gross...
Now on to the dialogue!
no real grammar issues. What I would say is that it should be less straightforward. The dialogue gets information across to us, but it isn't very smooth, like how real people talk. That's the trick-to make it informative AND subtle. Like a ninja.
ah. girl mopping in the kitchen. Ada. Okay, I would expand out their relationship. Friendships NEVER happen that fast, at least the ones that matter (believe me, I know). I know Ada is a big talker, but that should NOT mean she should tell her life story to a perfect stranger. Giver her some dimension!
okay, that's it. I feel like the big bad wolf. Sorry I chewed up your novel.
~Sheep
Thanks for the review!