Hi there!
I know it's been a while since this came out, but I saw you posted chapter 5 so I figured I'd come catch up!
Panic overwhelmed me. I needed to get out of here before I was arrested!
You missed a golden opportunity here! It's nice that you tell us that she is panicking, but I want to see that. Show us her eyes darting around the room, trying to find an escape. Show us her heart beating so fast that she's not so sure her chest won't explode. It's little things like that that can really make a difference in your writing. If you expand on some of these feelings, you'll be able to make us feel that much more. It's all about how the reader reacts to what's happening to the characters.
So, another great chapter here. The thing I really like about this chapter is that we really get to see the relationship between your MC and this boy develop. They barely know each other, right? But here they are having a conversation like they've been friends forever. I definitely see a possible friendship blossoming here, whether your MC wants to admit it or not
I do have to say, I'm a bit confused about your MC. I've been trying to figure out if they are a girl or a boy. I'm guessing that she's a girl since the guard boy said he thought she was a boy. Seeing as it's the fourth chapter though, I'd like to see some names for your characters. I get that your characters are trying to be mysterious and all that, but it's important for you to give your characters some names. I'm sure that the boy would've introduced himself by now. If you think about it, people in real life introduce themselves to someone new within about five minutes, right? So why would characters in fiction land (hehe, I love saying that ^_^) be any different?
Other than the missing names, I think this chapter is great. Your writing is wonderful. You've kept up the same style and the same flow of the first three chapters. I didn't find any mistakes to nitpick on so good job with that. And like I've said before, you do a good job with developing your characters. I can see them growing as each chapter goes on.
Alrighty then, onto the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
Donate