“Here, let me help you,” he says, slipping his arm around my waist.
I still at the touch, frozen in time for a moment. He doesn’t seem to notice. As I collapse back onto the bed, I am filled with disgust. For myself. I must seem so weak to him right now.
“Why did you have to shoot me?!” I rage, my tone frustrated.
“You were running away with my money! I called after you and you refused to stop. I didn’t have much of a choice,” he retorts.
“I just wish I had slashed at your other arm, the one you shoot with,” I say. “Now I’m going to spend the rest of my life in jail!”
I couldn’t be angrier at myself. Now my family would starve. My mother was busy taking care of the house and my sisters were much too young to get work of any kind. They were only five and seven. I couldn’t be more surprised at what the guard said next.
“I’m not going to turn you in.”
I stare at him. “What?”
“You’re not going to jail,” he repeats. “I have a proposal for you.”
“I don’t want to marry you. Sorry,” I reply, dryly.
He lets loose a short bark of laughter. “How about after your leg is healed, we go to your house to drop off my money that you stole from me and then you come back to the castle with me?”
I stare at him in shock. For the second time in the last minute. “I’m grateful for the offer of giving the money to my family, but why would I abandon them and go back to the castle with you?”
“I could get you a job. In the Secret Service, which would pay very well. I believe you might do Sorington some good. What you pulled off at the tavern was rather impressive I have to-”
I cut him off. “What I attempted to pull off. I have never-”
This time he interrupts me. “And your fighting skills are pretty advanced, especially for not having training. You haven’t been trained right?”
My throat closes when I think of Isaac. He taught me everything I know. But I sure wasn’t going to tell him about that. “Where could I have gotten training in Redreef? Does fighting off people trying to mob me every other night count?”
He starts to reply, and then stops. “Do people really do that? I’ve only had to take care of that kind of situation once or twice in Sorington. Has that happened to you before?”
“Redreef is a dangerous place. People here can be very . . . desperate. My family can only leave the house in the middle of the day when there are no shadows hiding men. Otherwise, they stay locked inside, with a gun in my mother’s hand and fear in my sisters’ eyes. People here are willing to do anything to survive. I guess you wouldn’t understand.”
I take a deep breath. He has no idea. He lives in his pretty little castle while we are all starving!
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I didn’t realize it was so bad around here. In Sorington, everybody, even the poor, has all the necessities,” he apologizes.
My eyes narrow, trying to figure him out. “Well, we are far past poor. We have had to eat moldy bread and drink dirty water. The men spend the few coins their families have on alcohol. They leave their families without protection to go to the tavern every night and don’t even have the conscience to care anymore. They leave their wife and kids alone at home to fend for themselves and then the next thing you know they are all alone. Because the father gets in a drunken brawl and dies. He doesn’t come home and leaves his daughter behind to clean up his messes-”
I start crying, unable to help myself. I put my head in my hands and let the tears fall. Tears I have held in for far too long. I feel the guard’s hand on my shoulder, steadying my shaking body. He doesn’t say anything.
A few moments later, when I have pull myself together a little, I manage to tell him my name, “I’m Keri.”
I look up at him and he gives me a small smile. “Liam.”
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi! Aravis here representing team Reviewing is the New Black. I will warn you that I have not read your other pages, but I will try to give you a helpful review. It also might be a little short since Noelle got most of the stuff.
Good stuff: I like the way you have described your main character. She has to be tough because of her past. But this Liam guy! I could totally see them getting together just from this short section. If they do, I would say that this was a nice use of foreshadowing. Also, even though I jumped in partway through the story I am intrigued and this is easy to read.
Critiques: I understand why you are posting pages. But I feel that this is just too short. I would agree with Noelle that posting sections would be a better idea.
I am so sorry that this is so short. I can't find anything else to critique. Keep up the good work! Happy review Day!
Hi there! Me again :3
So, just a general observation here, your transitions between chapters could use a bit of work. I know that it can be hard sometimes to pick a sentence to end with that transitions well into the next chapter. The first two chapters have good transitions at the end, but then the rest seem to just cut off at a random point. I'd suggest working on that in future chapters. Really find a place that can stop the chapter in one place and continue the next one at the same place, or with the same idea. Do you get what I'm saying here? I feel like I'm doing a bad job of explaining...
I really like the focus here on your MC's family. That really shows us why she's doing everything she's doing. It's not just because she feels like it, it's because she needs to, for her family. Somehow that makes it all right in my mind. She's more than just a girl who steals from people; she's trying to give her family a better life. That's very noble of her.
This is a small thing here, but who is Isaac? I don't think he's been mentioned before. I know that he hasn't been important up to this point, but you probably should give us a bit of background about him. Just something telling us that he's her trainer and how long she's been working with him. Something like: "My throat closes when I think of Isaac, the man that has been training me since I was only enough to wield a dagger". See how that gives some background as to how she knows Isaac? It'll also quench our curiosity for the time being.
We know names now! Awesome! I still stand by what I said in my last review though, I think you should've introduced names a bit farther back. It would've really helped with our understanding. But that can be left to the editing
Overall, another great chapter here. I really don't have anything to say about this. How dare you write such good stuff that I can't review
I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Let me know when it's out, please
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you for the review! And just to let you know, I'm posting pages, not chapters. My chapters can get really long and I don't know whether or not people would be willing to read 10 times the amount of what I just wrote above. Would you?
Thanks again for the review. I really appreciate how you're keeping up with my story!!!!:)
Ah, this makes much more sense! I thought you were just calling the chapters pages xD
Of course, that's all up to you ^_^
You know, you could always post your chapters in parts if you want. Like, Chapter 1 Part 1 and Chapter 1 Part 2. People wouldn't mind reading something a bit longer. If you're going to do that, I think a good length would be to cut off each chapter at 2,000-2,500 words. And then you would use a lot less points
And about the Isaac thing, I added in another part about him in the beginning when I was editing my story and completely forgot about adding it in here. So you could go back and look at Page #1 . But in case you don't want to do that here it is . . .
That door drives a memory straight into my mind, so fast I can%u2019t find the power to push it away. Isaac and I had agreed to do a job for these nasty men in return for money. Our job was to go to the docks. They told us there would be a small boat with the name Annabelle painted in red on the side. We were to go in and find a wooden chest and bring it back to them before the sun rose. Isaac and I agreed and set out at nightfall. Everything was how the men had explained and soon the chest was in their hands. But not before I sneaked a peek inside. The contents of the chest were documents, each sealed with the crest of the king. When I later asked them what the documents were and why they were so important, I was rewarded with a broken nose. Isaac had then thrown himself in front of me and killed the man who hit me. The others killed Isaac as I stood by, unable to help for I was so blinded by pain. They came for me next, but I ran. All the way to this tavern where I hid in the storage room. It all occurred just two years ago and that night still haunts me.