“Hey, boy! Come back here!”
I slowly turn back around, my heart beating a million beats a minute. Did the guard see me take his money? I’ve never been caught before!
“Aren’t you going to pay for that drink?” the bartender called, his face flushing in anger.
I let out a sigh of relief as I return to the counter and place a coin in the man’s hand. He stares at it for a moment and then lets out a huff. I take that as a dismissal and quickly scamper out of the tavern. It is not until I am halfway down the cobblestone street that I allow my heart to calm.
I make my way home, keeping to the shadows. The less people that see me, the better. Though Redreef isn’t as dangerous as some villages in Sorington, it’s not the safest place for a girl at night. Even a girl like me who knows what she’s doing.
As I walk home, I pass by only a few people. My heart breaks as I pass an old man sitting on the step of a dark store, holding up a rusted cup, begging for a coin. A coin that I am not able to spare. I hurry past the man, trying to push all sympathy out of my mind. I can’t fall into the trap of kindness. There is too much at stake. My family waiting for me at home is just as hungry as the next in Redreef.
The moonlight dances on the road and I take a moment to stop and look up at the stars. Each twinkling light seems so free. Stars don’t have to steal money from ignorant rich men to feed their family. Stars don’t have to go through-
I jump when I feel a hand on my shoulder. As fast as lightening, I whip my dagger from its sheath and wrench out of the person’s grasp. I swing around a leg and kick them in the stomach, knocking them to the ground. I hear the breath go out of them and I turn, pointing my dagger at the person’s throat.
My heart stops for a moment. The person lying on the ground, clutching their stomach, is wearing a very familiar red cloak. It is the royal guard from the tavern. The man I stole from. I can’t help but be surprised when I realize that he looks more like a boy than a man. He only looks to be a year or two older than me. He has a strong jawline and his bright blue eyes look up at me defiantly beneath his dark curls.
“I believe you have something of mine,” he says. He has a deep voice. It is calm, and reminds me a bit of music. The boy starts to get up, but stops when I take a step closer and press the point of the dagger to his throat.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I reply, my voice strong. Well, much stronger than I had anticipated. Inside I was shaking. How did he know that I stole from him? I’ve never been caught before!
He pushed himself up to his elbows then scooted back to lean against the wall. My dagger was still right on target. “I think we both know exactly what I’m talking about.”
End of chapter
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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hi there!
Sorry to pull such a chunk out right off the bat, but this is the first thing I came across as I was reading that I wanted to comment on. I want you to look at the first lines of these paragraphs. The first one says 'I make my way home' and 'As I walk home'. Both of these sentences mean the same thing. It's a bit repetitive. We know that your MC (did you mention their name yet or am I just being forgetful) is on their way home. Then later you tell us they're on their way home. We already knew that. I'd keep just one of those sentences. Either omit the one in the second paragraph I quoted, or replace it with a different sentence.
I think this sentence will flow better if written like this. To be honest, I was hesitant to offer this suggestion because I think the sentence you wrote works well too. I just feel like if you word it differently, it'll flow better with the rest of the story.
So just a technical thing here. In the paragraph before this, you call the guard a man. There is a huge difference between a man and a boy, as I'm sure you know. So try and keep that consistent so we, the readers, can get a clear vision of him in our mind.
I really enjoyed this chapter. I'm a total action junkie, so I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. There's just a short action scene here, but it's good enough to make me happy. And most importantly, it gives us some good character development. We know a bit more about this MC of yours. We know that they aren't afraid to result to violence and attack. We also know that they are quite jumpy. You show this through their fear of getting caught stealing and how they immediately defend themselves from a slight tap on the shoulder.
What I think would've added just a bit more to this chapter is some description. I would've loved to see what this town looked like as your MC was heading home. I tend to fall into this trap in my writing as well. When there's something else going on, mainly the man chasing after your MC, descriptions don't seem all that important. But whether it seems to be important or not, it is. You don't have to overload this chapter with description of course, but you want to sneak little pieces in here and there. What do the houses look like? Are there a lot of trees? Right now the setting is what I imagine. But you want me to imagine what you imagined while writing. So make sure to add some descriptions in future chapters.
Alrighty then, I'm going to go check out the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you!
Hi, cvandoren1. This is Pinkie here for a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *puts on my pink glasses*
This is a very good story. It is very interesting and lovely to read. I love this story very much. This is very enjoyable story that you have here. However, you has some errors on here. I like to point them out, but Unique did that part already so I will leave it alone. Anyway, this is a good masterpiece. I like to read more from you. I will wait for the next part of this story. Well, have a nice day!
Good Job and Keep on writing!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Thank you! I have already posted The Secret Service page #1 and The Secret Service page #3!
Hello! Uni here for a review!
To start off there are some grammar errors:
1) "My family waiting for me at home is just as hungry as the next in Redreef." I think you want to put a comma in between the home and the is. If you don't it doesn't really matter. It just flows better with a comma.
2)"The moonlight dances on the road and I take a moment to stop and look up at the stars." Yet again, the comma. Just after road.
You also said the exact same sentence twice, "I've never been caught before!" That might have been intended.
This looks very interesting, and I can't wait to see where the rest of the story heads. Please publish more for me to see!
~Uni
Thanks for the review! I have recently posted The Secret Service page #3!