z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Secret Service page #1

by cvandoren1


I adjust the hood of my brown wool cloak hiding my faceand make sure my dagger is securely fastened onto my belt. I take a deep breath and take a last look around. The tavern is filled with men, most of them drunk and laughing at the awful jokes their equally-drunk companions make. The room is lit by a large fire, casting shadows in the corners. I am sitting in one of those corners now, my nose wrinkling at the stench of beer. There are about a dozen small wooden tables spread throughout the tavern and a few stools at the bar. A warped wooden door is behind the bar, probably for storage.

That door drives a memory straight into my mind, so fast I can’t find the power to push it away. Isaac and I had agreed to do a job for these nasty men in return for money. Our job was to go to the docks. They told us there would be a small boat with the name Annabelle painted in red on the side. We were to go in and find a wooden chest and bring it back to them before the sun rose. Isaac and I agreed and set out at nightfall. Everything was how the men had explained and soon the chest was in their hands. But not before I sneaked a peek inside. The contents of the chest were documents, each sealed with the crest of the king. When I later asked them what the documents were and why they were so important, I was rewarded with a broken nose. Isaac had then thrown himself in front of me and killed the man who hit me. The others killed Isaac as I stood by, unable to help for I was so blinded by pain. They came for me next, but I ran. All the way to this tavern where I hid in the storage room. It all occurred just two years ago and that night still haunts me. 

It looks like I’m going to get lucky tonight. At the bar sits a man in a cloak of deep red silk. He has dark curls falling over his face and strong hands that tightly grip his drink. He wears black leather boots without a single scratch or scuff on them.

He is obviously not aregular at this tavern. The regulars here wear plain brown clothing, like most of the citizens in Redreef do. The clothing you wear tells everyone your rank and how much money you have. I am sad to say that I blend right in with these drunks. My shirt and shoes are just as worn as the next person’s here, but not nearly as dirty or smelly.

And that man sitting at the bar is a royal guard. He has removed the seal of the king, but the rich fabric of his clothing gives him away. He has no idea how to hide in these dangerous streets or maybe he just doesn’t know that he has to. This area of Redreef is no place for a man like him. Only people like me.

I slowly get up from my seat, trying not to draw too much attention to myself. I have learned to blend in. Blending in is one of the most important things you must know in order to be successful at my job. I have cut my hair short and wear loose clothing to disguise the fact that I am a girl. I have done this as a result of something that happened in the past. Something that taught me once and for all that the streets of Redreef were no place for a girl, even one that was a thief. That, and the drunkenness of the men surrounding me, creates an invisible shield which protects me from getting caught. I have never gotten caught. I am really good at pickpocketing, a skill I learned from a dear friend a few years ago, just when my family needed help the most.

I grab my cup, the beer inside untouched, and unhurriedly make my way up to the bar. I slide in between the royal guard and some old man drinking his sorrows away. I set my cup up on the counter, not saying a word because I didn’t want to give away that I was female, and while doing so, slip my hand into the guard’s satchel. My hand finds a small heavy bag. As I step back from the bar, I slide the pouch out of the man’s bag and slip it into a secret pocket on the inside of my cloak.

I head for the door, allowing myself a small smile. But that smile fades when I hear a call after me.


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Fri Jul 04, 2014 1:59 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

It looks like I’m going to get lucky tonight.

When someone is at a bar and they say this, or think it in this case, they mean something completely different than what you're trying to say here. (No I don't have a dirty mind, I'm just saying in general that this means something different) I'd suggest changing this to something more like, "This man could be my chance" or "Looks like I'll get the job done tonight". Something like that.

Overall I think this is a good first chapter. I couldn't find anything else I really thought should be tweaked, other than what I've mentioned above. There aren't any grammar or spelling errors I found. And you kept the flow and your style consistent throughout. Two big thumbs up for that.

What I like about this chapter is that it's a good introduction. There are two types of first chapters that I see. These aren't the only types of first chapters, but it's the majority that I see. You either have the chapters that jump right into the action or the chapters, like yours, that give us a bit of background and lead to the action slowly. Both have their advantages and are good ways to start out a novel. What I like about your beginning here is that we learn things about this world we're going to be seeing in this novel. I understand about the clothes and what they represent, which will definitely help as I read on. I'll be able to judge the new characters based on what they're wearing.

Again, I like your beginning here and I can't wait to start reading the next chapter! Sorry for the short review, but the other reviewers seem to have pointed out most things that I was going to. So I just stuck with my overall impression :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**



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cvandoren1 says...


Thank you! Btw I have also posted The Secret Service page #2 and #3 !



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:23 pm
MaryEvans wrote a review...



“I adjust the hood of my brown wool cloak hiding my faceand make sure my dagger is securely fastened onto my belt.” Something odd is happening here. First I think you have a typo. Second: I adjust the hood of my wool cloak over my face and make sure etc. sounds better if you ask me.

“I take a deep breath and take a last look around.” A bit of a repetition. Happens later on too. Be careful with those.

Else I think your opening line is good. It jumps right in and shows the character is ready for action.

You can be redundant at times. You should read out loud, it helps spot those. And by those I mean: “This area of Redreef is no place for a man like him. Only people like me.” Not necessary, already implied by the paragraph before.

Or this: “Blending in is one of the most important things you must know in order to be successful at my job.” Goes right into the show don’t tell. It can easily come across through action, and it does kind of, by the fact the character is sneaking about.

So yeah. You have a nice set up and promise for action, just careful with those repetitions and unnecessary elaborations. Also, I think you painted the clothes of the main in too much detail. Saying that they are just as plain and brown as the commoners would have sufficed.



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cvandoren1 says...


Thank you!



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Wed Jun 18, 2014 9:19 pm
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LiptonCookie wrote a review...



Ooh, a sly tale!

So, so, we've got this...sly character with their brown wool coat at the tavern. The beginning starts off with this character in one of the lighted fire's corners as he watches sober and drunk men sit and chat away. In this paragraph, though it's cool to give off a sense of mysteriousness to people, I'd like more of an attention grabber and clearer introduction to the readers what this is primarily about. It'd help.

The clothing you wear tells everyone your rank and how much money you have.


The above quote explains what clothing means to people in this land. If you expanded on this outside the norm of one sentence, I think readers would understand. World-building should start to develop, soon, too, I hope! It sounds an interesting place, just not enough information or imagery is given about this world.

He has no idea how to hide in these dangerous streets or maybe he just doesn’t know that he has to.


This idea can, once again, be expanded.

I set my cup up on the counter, not saying a word because I didn’t want to give away that I was female, and while doing so, slip my hand into the guard’s satchel. My hand finds a small heavy bag. As I step back from the bar, I slide the pouch out of the man’s bag and slip it into a secret pocket on the inside of my cloak.


The way it's written here sounds...a bit passive. Also, the excerpt stating how dangerous it was to wander around being a female was too rushed and unexplained and could use some elaborating to help readers understand what's going on in this place? The way she stole the man's bag was also way too convenient. You could try using different tactics, a more professional type if this girl's the type to never get caught. Once you make a statement, it should be shown and backed up by how the character acts and chooses to act.

Another thing to add--try using an active voice in this as opposed to passive. Some of the lines don't have much life and liveliness to them and when you're in a tavern, there's got to be some animation. It'd make it much more enjoyable than it already is, but animation in the right places and in the writing style never hurts.

Hope to see this develop!


Cool concept and with more in depth descriptions and world-building, this could become better.



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cvandoren1 says...


Thanks so much for the help!



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Wed Jun 18, 2014 8:23 pm
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Unique wrote a review...



First off this is great but, here are some grammatical errors:
1) "...cloak hiding my faceand my dagger..." I do believe you meant to say "face and". But that is like the easiest fix to make.
2) "...not aregular at this tavern..." I think you were trying to say "a regular". Also easy!

Plus, the whole idea of her stealing the guys bag that easily isn't exactly reasonable. She would have to disguise it more. Just keep that in mind. But since she is getting called back for stealing (as I assume), you don't have to disguise it that much. I would have her stay at the bar for like ten minutes, because if she just walks up there, sits down and then walks away a minute or so later, it would be kind of conspicuous.

I love the prospect of her living off the stuff she steals, and how someone taught her. Is the person who taught her gonna come back in somewhere in the rest of the story? I also really want to know who exactly is the guy the guard is guarding. And what she is being called back for...

As you can see, I really want to hear more! Please so another chapter! :D



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cvandoren1 says...


Thank you for the help!



Unique says...


Welcome!




Who knew Kansas City had its own branch of the Yakuza?
— Jason Sudeikis