He whispers to me. I swear it's true, amidst the lonely abyss of smothering darkness; the darkness that is constantly gnawing at me and harbouring strange, unknown evils; the darkness that pierces my very sanity, my guardian angel's voice is heard. It comes to me and me alone, a construct of hope and pure divinity, maybe even imagination? For how can I tell if it is real or not? Does this even matter?
Maybe the evils of the darkness are also imagined, in which case nothing matters. I shall let these invisible demons battle in the darkest, most hidden corners of my damaged mind where they can go unnoticed and eventually kill each other. Only then shall I be free, only then shall I finally be at peace with myself. And until, here I sit in fear, while my guardian angel speaks to me.
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137,761 Literary Works • 672,064 Reviews
Thewriter13 here for a review on this lovely Review Day! I love the imagery in this very short piece!
I think you used good word choice in this work, but I feel it needs to be fixed up a little bit. I don't know if this was truly intentional, but this sentence:
"I swear it's true, amidst the lonely abyss of smothering darkness; the darkness that is constantly gnawing at me and harbouring strange, unknown evils; the darkness that pierces my very insanity, my guardian Angelo's voice is heard."
This is very run-on and can either be set off with commas or broken into new sentences. Harboring is spelled wrong and did you mean Angel? Just work on sentence structure and don't make them too long!
Another line I noticed was this one:
"And until; here I sit in fear, while my guardian angel speaks to me."
This doesn't need a semi colon...perhaps rewrite the sentence so you don't have such a weirdly punctuated line
You need to look at all the sentences and see whether the semi colons fit. Are the lines being linked together simple sentences? If not then just use a comma instead.
I loved the piece and can't wait to read more of your pieces! Please take what I have said into consideration. You don't have to change anything if you don't want to (sentence structure).
Keep writing!
Thanks the writer
Hey, yo, TheShauzer! Strange here on this fantastic Review Day and I have a review for you!
Well, this is my 200th review, so I wanted to pick a very special poem, but I didn't. Instead, I picked a very special narrative. I have to say, I really liked this, though there are some faults in this work. You attempted to achieve a good narrative from an insane person, and you sure did that. It isn't really creepy, but it works enough where it's believable. I also took this as imagery for a burden over your head and a jail cell. No matter what, you can't escape without being killed. The narrator is scared, because they're human. I like the human sentimentalism that gets supported. The narrator sees things, but he doesn't want to. I felt as the narrator was in tears as he suffered.
Faults, what are the faults?
That tidbit doesn't seem right at all. Possibly change the wording, that would help.
That feels awkward, but probably because I haven't seen it before. This was a good short though, and I was happy to review it. You can write from the P.O.V of a psycho or mentally ill person, and I wish to see more, but that's your choice.
Overall, good job.
Strange gives you..
7.6/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TheFaultInOurReviews
Thanks strange
Hey, Shauzer!
This is a shorter piece, which means there isn't much to review, but how much can you really say about an insane guy? Right off I noticed that punctuation seems to be a problem for you, especially since you tend to write extremely long sentences. That's fine because I write long sentences too. However, there's a specific way you have to punctuate so that they make sense.
Here I did quite a few revisions. I took out your semicolons because they didn't fit. You use semicolons to separate two independent clauses that are related to each other; it sounds complicated but it's actually rather easy. Also, you use them to separate, but also combine, sentences with internal punctuation; people use semicolons when they want to avoid too many commas.
I corrected the punctuation here, but I'm still not sure what you mean by "maybe even imagination". I know you main character is talking about their Angel, but is he questioning whether or not the Angel is real? I'm not sure how it connects. Also, I'd change "construct" to a different word. Maybe something like "image" or "vision" would be more appropriate here.
Improper use of semicolons again. "And until then" is not an independent clause, so it can't be separated with a semicolon.
Here you needed a semicolon, but didn't use one.
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This was interesting to read. You wanted to portray someone who was insane so, congratulations, this guy is definitely loopy. Sometimes it got confusing, which is strange because it's such a short piece, but I suppose that's okay since the mind of those deranged can't be fully comprehended anyway. I'm not going to hound you on character development. I felt sympathy for this character, which is a strong emotion to get from just two paragraphs.
I think you did a really good job here, Shauzer. I wish I knew more about him though.
-RP
Thanks man, wasn't sure about the last semi-colon but the rest were just personal preference
nice review
Oh and I'll be reading the rest of your work, so keep posting!
Beautiful! My first Review and I'm lovin it! Mc Donald's quote lol.