Redwing - Chapter 2 *Edited*

by Utopia

Published June 1, 2014

E - Everyone

In Redwing

We walked down one of the twelve tunnels leading out of the announcement room. The further we travelled, the less light there was, until we entered a dark room with only seven candles. Each candle illuminated a chute. The chutes went through the ceiling at the top to a small fan at the bottom. Baby Teya, the youngest of us all, gripped my hand tightly. My heart thundered inside me, the same way it would before going on a monster roller coaster ride.

‘Where is Bridget? Our trainer said she’d be here before us. She never usu-’’

‘Here! Here! I’m here!’’ cried Bridget, stepping out from behind one of the chutes with a spanner in her hand. A single candle illuminated half of her face in a spooky way. Bridget was in charge of all junior Utopian missions. We had never worked with her before since it was our first mission, but our trainer had told us all about her. She seemed a little jumpy, yet I could tell she was stern.

‘Alright girls, let me check you all in on the computer. Let’s go from oldest to youngest and I’ll call out your mission positions. Claire, power of animals and age thirteen?’’ asked Bridget, she hadn’t even bothered to introduce herself.

‘Here… And so is all the rest of us’’

‘Alright,’’ smiled Bridget, typing away on her laptop. A small desk was attached to her belt and the laptop was perched precariously on the edge of it. My body shuddered with excitement at every click-clack of her laptop.

‘If the rest of you are here, I’ll just read out your positions. Claire, being the oldest of course, you are mission leader. Dawn, power of art and age thirteen, you are the safe checker, you’ll take care of any injuries which I hope there aren’t on such a minor mission. Page, power of books and stories and age twelve, you are mission planner and will be working alongside the mission leader. Kelly, power of… what?’’ Bridget squinted at the laptop screen. She looked up at Kelly then back at the screen. ‘Ropes?’’

‘Yes ma’am, you see it’s not so much as a power but more an ability. I can make ropes shoot out of my hands and feet, then I can swing on them, lasso them, climb them, pull on them, sling-shot them-’’

‘Alright! Alright! You girls sure have some… original powers! I mean usually there’s water and fire and- whatever, you’ll be the active commander, the actual one doing the mission. Wendy…’’

I held my breath. The seconds it took for Bridget to tell me my position felt like years and after a while my lungs started bursting, but I didn’t dare to move, let alone breathe.

‘Power of wind…’’

Would our trainer finally allow it? Will I finally work with Kelly on the actual mission?

‘Twelve years old…’’

Teya’s fingernails drove deeper into my palm. She knows I want to work with Kelly but I know she still wants me working with her. Usually I’m on look out with Teya but now that I’m twelve, our trainer said she might give me a chance if I did well enough in training.

‘You’ll be working with Kelly on the active mission. And last but not least Teya, power of… time! Now that’s a cool power. You’re young of course so you’ll need to work on it though. Age eight, you’ll be lookout.’’

Teya looked up at me with her alarming, apple red eyes. I did feel a little bit sorry for her, but still, on the inside I was fighting the urge to jump up and down, screaming in relief.

‘Oh come on, you’re eight now. Old enough to look out by yourself. Wendy needs to go up a level with her position. But think about it, you’ll be jumping through the trees all by yourself now!’’ smiled Bridget at Teya, as if she was three, not eight. She really didn’t know anything about us, did she. My first impressions of her were not positive ones. ‘Now come on girls, step into the launch pads and let your first junior mission with me as your captain, begin!’’

I instantly jumped up and pressed my watch against the side of one of the chutes. The chute scanned my watch and I sprung in. I placed my feet on either side of the fan and stood, ready for the whoosh of air I was anticipating.

‘So what’s the mission this time? I mean for the first time, I mean…um…’’ I asked, muddled up in my own words.

‘Here you go…’’ Bridget clicked a few buttons on her laptop and a screen appeared on all of our chutes.

‘Seventy nine years ago, the belief in magic was the highest this world had ever seen. So, as I’m sure you know, all the magical creatures and kingdoms had to escape from earth to avoid the humans discovering about magic, but Utopians decided to keep living on earth, to protect it. But, this time to make sure the humans didn’t find out about magic, the Utopians mixed all their babies in with normal humans so the babies themselves don’t know they were special, to keep them safe.’’

‘But, if all the other kingdoms knew about magic, how comes the humans can’t?’’ asked baby Teya.

‘Because, little one, the humans could be dangerous. You remember their charm on the chandelier? It’s a fist, which represents power. Think how powerful they would be with magic on their side as well!’’ answered Page, the know-it-all book worm.

‘But now humans are destroying the earth and there’s talk of those creatures and kingdoms who escaped earth long ago, coming back to take over the world and ‘save it’ from the humans. Most of them will be destroyed. All Utopians are withdrawing their children so we can build up our army again to protect earth. Humans may be destroying the seeds of earth, but wiping them out and letting the other realms take over instead, is not the answer. Your mission is to get a Utopian girl who doesn’t know she’s a Utopian, and bring her here. She’s a girl of your age, so who better to get her than you?’’

I looked around at all six of us. We had all moved up a level, but were we really ready for this? Our birthdays are round about at the same time and we are all round about the same age except for Teya. We met each other at school and decided, because all of us were a part of the Utopian project, to team up. The five of us then met Teya when we babysat her and we instantly bonded. All of us live normal, human lives but were withdrawn and claimed as Utopians by a group of girls just like we were about to do. We’re still living human lives though, until every Utopian knows they’re a Utopian and we all go back to Utopia together, everyone has to stay at our human’s houses, or in my situation, apartment.

‘Ready?’’ Bridget placed a finger on the switch that turned on all our fans. ‘Steady?’’ We all jumped onto the fans. ‘Go!’’ Bridget flicked the switch and a blast of powerful air, shot us up the chutes.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Jun 3, 2014

Hello Utopia!

I have come to continue reading your story. What I liked in this chapter was that we got to meet the characters a bit more, and get introduced to the team Wendy will be working with. As well as that, we finally get to know their mission as well. I think it's interesting how they mixed the Utopians in with the human babies.

But the question is, would that really work? Would they be stealing real babies and replacing them with Utopians and then giving the Utopian parents real babies? That seems a little bit cruel in my opinion, but then again, maybe that isn't want you meant to say. Maybe you meant to mention that they all grew up together and they were never told they were Utopians, so they believed they were humans. But what happens when their powers suddenly start to break out and what if they accidently harm someone? They have to be aware they have some interesting abilities at some point in time!

Another thing is, I understand why the Utopians would withdraw, taking back their kind and then going to their own world. But one things is, even though humans might abuse their position when given power (which is something very realistic when it comes to the way humans act) maybe you should mention how after all the Utopians have been gathered to safety, they will select the best of the fighters to defend the humans from the oncoming attack? Although one race might crave power, it doesn't mean they should be left alone to be slaughtered either. And if you are going to leave them all to die... then maybe give a reason for the Utopians to despise them so.

‘Oh come on, your eight now


The your should be a you're.

The tube scanned my watch and I sprung in. I placed my feet either side of the fan on the bottom so it was in-between my legs.


This is a weird way to put what you meant you could put in a more simple way that could be understood faster. Like: I placed my feet on either side of the fan and stood ready for the whoosh of air I was anticipating.

because all we’re a part of the Utopian project


I think you mean because all were a part of the Utopian project instead.

I don't really have much else to say on this chapter. Let me know when you post another chapter!

User avatar
Ventomology
Comment
Ventomology commented Comment · Jun 1, 2014

Great job! I think Timmy and Wolf got most of the bases covered, so I don't have anything new for you. *cries*

Anyway, keep on writing!

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TimmyJake
Review
TimmyJake wrote a review Review · Jun 1, 2014

OOPS. Accidentally submitted twice. :D

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TimmyJake
Review
TimmyJake wrote a review Review · Jun 1, 2014

Timmy here for a quick review!

You had better not tell Livvy that I am here... I am supposed to be reviewing one of her works, but I couldn't resist. This story just draws me in too much!

I love how you described their powers... If anything did it in a way that wasn't in your face, info dumping, that was it! Actually, using dialogue is a very good way to tell your reader about things that just happened, or things that are. And info dumps are concealed, and made not info dumps, but more part of the story. All in all, I think you did an amazing job giving us some background story, but not too much to confuse and bore us. "D


She never usu-‘’


The quotation marks on the end of that are a bit messed up. One too many!

She is one of those jumpy teenagers who is really nice yet can be very serious when she needs to be.


Comma after "nice"

‘If the rest of you are here I’ll just read out your positions.


Comma after "here"

pull on them, sling-shot them-‘’


Same quotation mark error

but I didn’t dare to move, let alone breath.


Add an "e" to "breath", I think

This was our sixth mission but our first one with a secondary captain like Bridget and we had moved up a level


you need a comma after "mission"

She’s a girl of your age so who better to get her than you?’’


comma after "age"

We all met each other at school and decided, because we all we’re a part of the Utopian project, to team up. We five girls then met Teya when we babysat her and we instantly bonded. We all live normal, human lives but were withdrawn and claimed as Utopians by a group of girls just like we are about to do.


Here, you kind of elapsed into an info dump. Not a big one, mind you, but one nevertheless. Try to avoid just dumping information on your reader, when you can show the information instead!
Secondly, you tended to fall into a bit of redundancy with that paragraph. You have way too many "we" throughout, muddling your message you wanted to push across with that paragraph. I would suggest going through it, and carefully structuring the paragraph to avoid as many "we" as possible.

a blast of powerful air, blast us all right up the chute.


You have installed redundancy with putting "Blast" in that sentence twice.



Okay, this was a real pleasure to read! Your characters voice, yet again!!!! And this chapter seemed to be more about all of them, rather than just the one, or just a few of them. It seemed to center about all of their squad, learning a bit about them. And I loved that! You avoided info dumping too much, and still allowed us to learn about the character!
What can I say? Amazing job!
~Darth Timmyjake

Utopia replied · Jun 3, 2014

Thanks for the review! I definitely think I need to work on my grammar and punctuation. The actual story-line is good but they are still things that can be changed. Glad your enjoying the story so much!

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SpiritedWolfe
Review
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review Review · Jun 1, 2014

Hello Utopia, Wolf here for a review. (Please excuse any spelling/gramma mistakes, for I am using a tablet.)

So I have one little sentence nitpick:

The chute’s went through the ceiling at the top and there was a small fan at the bottom.

So first off, 'chute's' shouldn't have an apostrophe, since it isn't talking about anything possessive. Also, you can do a few things with this sentence. Either split it into two sentences, add a comma before 'and', or you can reword the second portion, to something like 'at the top to a small fan at the bottom.'

So this is a really interesting topic, and I like the use of 'extraterrestrial' to explain how these girls have powers. One thing I would suggest is to find a different way to explain each girl's power. It seems kind of odd that someone, whom they've know as long as they've been there (which to me seems like a while), to have to say aloud each girl's power. Why not just day the name, it would be faster wouldn't it? These girls should also already know their powers, correct?

Another thing you could do to is try to incorporate more of how the main character (Wendy is it?) is feeling. Sometimes here and there you very well with that, but other times its just heavily loaded with descriptions or dialogue. Try to find the balance point and it will make your work really shine. Also, up until they stepped into the chutes, I was very confused what they were and what they looked like. I just assumed they were etchings in the wall, but that may have just been me.

Anyway, you really well, otherwise, with the conversations and the personalities or each of the characters. My favorite one had to be the power of ropes (instantly Spider-Man popped into my head xD). Nice job! Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Utopia replied · Jun 3, 2014

Thanks for the review. i did only use one sentence to describe the chutes so I can understand why that was hard to understand.



Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
— Nelson Mandela