Oh Mr.Fellows, oh where do you wander?
In life's time, do you go, and you squander?
Oh Mr.Fellows, say that it isn't true.
Do you not believe oceans to be blue?
Do skies not have the temptation?
Do you not desire such vocation?
Oh Mr.Fellows, do you not rise?
So you stay in melancholic reprise.
For pavements to you are static.
Realize that even they are enigmatic.
For all is in such natures complexity.
That it has left you in perplexity.
Oh Mr.Fellows, how is life for thee?
For you, a rolling nomadic, to be.
To be the sun that does not shine.
Yet you are born capabilities affine.
Still in wandering you do not explore.
If only you knew the riches ashore.
Oh Mr.Fellows, your pain in disguise.
If only I could make you apprise.
For success you need not hesitate.
For Mr.Fellows, for you, life is at wait.
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Messenger here to review for you on a crazy Review Day!
I have to agree with Iggy that this started feeling forced. . . about the third stanza. you started using rather complex words and it seemed like you just had to find something to rhyme with them. This poem gets really random and then you conclude it with a surprisingly very clear message. I think maybe you should try to -rewrite this with a different rhyme pattern.
Now as for the ending I found it good. If you are afraid of like then you will never end up doing anything exciting in lie and will basically be afraid and bored your whole existence on earth. At the same time this whole poem makes it sound like the person doesn't believe the earth to be what it really is, so the ending doesn't feel like it is connected.
Lastly, you only have one punctuation error but it is really annoying.
you mashed Mr. and Fellows together. You need to go put a space in between that. You have it like every stanza. See?
Those are just a few of the times. Besides that the grammar and punctuation seemed okay. Hopefully this helps you!
~Messenger
Greetings, person I met in chat!
A few nitpicks:
Either add in "do" in front of "you squander" or remove the comma and the "you" so it reads: "In life's time, do you go and squander?" I think that this would make your flow in that line stronger and clearer.
Add an apostrophe in "natures."
Moving on, I feel like a lot of this is forced. Mainly the rhyme scheme. Some lines don't make sense and are mainly put there to rhyme with the line in front or after it. I'm not really sure how this can be fixed, but just be careful next time and know that a rhyme scheme does not make or break a poem. Often, if done right, it adds to the poem's overall flow, but if done wrong, then it can ruin the poem -- at least, for me.
Another thing -- why is there no space between Mr. Fellows? If you want to keep it that way, then do so, but it's bothering me. Maybe I'm just nitty picky, but still.
Other than that, I think you did a good job of making this poem short and simple. Often, the whole point of the poem was lost, but for the most part, this was easy to follow and understand. Your flow was a bit choppy at certain points and the syntax was awkward, but mostly it was clear. This was overall a nice poem, so thank you for sharing and happy Review Day. ^^
funny beginning Iggy XD
Was this meant to be a comedic piece? If not, I apologize for taking it that way, but it is, I praise you wholeheartedly. I agree with most of what frankmorley said, but I'll throw in my own thoughts as well. Mr. Fellows seems like a man in need of an adventure, too shut up from the world and full of past haunts. I think that we've all been there, done that (but maybe not all at once, hopefully). I read this and I think of a rally cry for all those who are in need of going out in the world and letting loose instead of sitting at home sulking and having our doubts about the world. The rhythm in this piece, I LOVE it!!! I can't really find much to critique you one based on this piece as I usually leave some criticism as well as praise, but not today and coming from me, that is saying something, because I post praise without criticism next to never.
Thank you very much for reading it and taking the time to comment. Thanks so much for the praise! ^^ I however am not sure how this came across as comedic though, what is funny about it? I am extremely wondering. Regardless thank you for your time.
What I saw as comedic, or funny in a softer term, is the whole tone of this poem. As I said in my comment above, I mentioned how this seemed to be something that we all go through once in a while, and that is what I think is funny. Because this is so....true.
That makes more sense, thanks for clarifying. ^^
No problem.
Love this. Especially the last two paragraphs, it really gives the impression of a squandered or unheard potential, and that life is waiting there to be taken by those who don't hesitate.
I would say that although your rhyming is generally good, e.g "Complexity, perplexity," , The rhyme before that "static, enigmatic" doesn't fit as enigmatic is a four syllable vs. two syllable word, effectively slowing down the rhythm and flow of the piece.
Other than that really minor point it's all good. Well done on writing a really thoughtful and lovely poem!
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, I appreciate it. ^^ Glad you enjoyed the piece.