Amour

Hi Star!

Welcome to YWS! I see that a lot of people have commented on this poem, but I thought I would drop by and give my thoughts quickly.

One thing I will say is that this poem conjures up a lot of beautiful, abstract imagery for me. I'm not sure if this is what you intended, but I just keep thinking of the perfect summer evening.

I think you could definitely be served by a little bit of added detail. Who is the subject of the poem? Why are they in love? How did they fall in love?

Just some questions to consider. As a whole, I thought this very solid.

Hope this helps!

Flowing through gentle streams,
tumble down amorous dreams.
Illuminating virgin delight,
take me down to heaven tonight.

Flying through the dawn,
whispering a love song.
This is where we rise,
reaching up into the skies.

Riding down an emotion slide,
make me your bride.
This is our own world,
mixed with pleasures swirled.

Countless possibilities grow,
and no one has to ever know.

hey, you write a great poem!!

but a few lines seemed to be a little off:

'Flying through the dawn,
whispering a love song' - this doesn't really fit the rhyming pattern you had going so maybe you should find a more fitting line you could try something like 'flying through the air, Our beautiful love affair' its probably not the best suggestion but you do need to find a more fitting line.

Also, the line 'make me your bride' seems odd, i can't really explain it but it just doesn't seem right.

But overall a really great poem that could be even better with a few tweaks here and there x

I liked the title, simple, straight forward and intriguing.
The first four lines are too good, almost perfect to start.
It sets a level for the oncoming lines and truly, its a point one needs to worry, for the expections can fall or rise more.
It this case, the first four lines did make me happy to read it and I loved them, expectations rose but then it happened.


"Flying through the dawn,

whispering a love song"

The line, whispering a love song, doesn't do any good, if only it would've been two words longer and the whispering word wouldn't have been there.
It disturbs the mood, the flow for some reason.
This was one bit of let down but still I didn't dislike it or something.


"This is where we rise,

reaching up into the skies."

These lines are great, it brings the beauty of the poem which seemed lost before (after the whispering line). These lines shows the intensity of the affair, reflecting the relationship of the lovers.
It also shows the limit of the love which is to the skies.

"Riding down an emotion slide,

make me your bride."

Make me your bride, no way, I didn't want it to be ruined again. This particular line seemed rushed, like it had been just packed between to make the rhym complete. It didn't belong here, definitely later but not here.

The next line didn't bring the beauty back which seemed to be left in traces for me.
Although, the first four lines still made me love this piece.
You have undeniable potential as a poet.
I can tell the tone and mood of how you truly wanted your readers to view it. Your word quality is great and the intensity can be felt.
This piece could've been a perfect piece if revised more.
Still loved this, hope my review helped!

Regards,
blakey789

Hello, Staarryskyy. Nice name. XD

Anyway, in terms of this poem...I don't know. Admittedly, I'm not a poet, and I think that it's hard to please everyone with poems seeing as they're so dependent on personal preference, but something about this feels a bit amiss, at least to me.

I don't know how to feel about the rhyming - it's such a hard thing to get right, and I'm not completely sure you pulled it off. Some of the words you used - "rise" and "skies", for example - feel a bit...obvious, maybe? I like to read rhyming poetry where it doesn't feel forced, or like it's been used before, and this didn't quite fit into that category. "Dawn" and "song" didn't work for me, either, simply because you have to manipulate the pronunciation of the words to make them feel like a rhyme. I like it to be effortless.

Some of the rhythm didn't sit right with me, either. In rhyming poetry, I like the syllables and lines to have a constant, chugging rhythm to them, but that wasn't always the case with this piece. My main problem was with this:

Riding down an emotion slide,
make me your bride.

First off, I'd like to say that this poem didn't really do it for me.
Not to say that you're not a talented writer, because the writing isn't bad, it's just like, 'been there, done that', you know? It's the epitome of clichèd writing, and you don't even have the excuse of having a prompt or something to fulfill. I keep saying this to everybody, but bring something new to the table. You're a poet, you should work towards individuality; that's what poets do, they tell their stories in different little ways. No matter how small the difference between writing styles, it must exist.
Objectively, yes, it's a really well written poem, with good (and not unnecessary) rhyming and grammar and syntax.
One nit-pick-- Tense changes. Why? Please, please, stick to one tense in the future.

Keep Writing,

Sherlock

Hey Starry! This poem is great. I must say I am impressed!

You do an awesome job keeping rhythm, but there were a few lines that stood out to me.

whispering a love song.

I liked this line, but 'whispering' sort of broke up the rhythm for me. For some reason, the -ing sound through of the pace.

and no one has to ever know.

I think 'has' and 'ever' should be switched. I know those are some really nit-picky things, but I think they stood out, and in the long run, they can be smoothed out a little. Your poem will be that much better.

Another line that stood out to me was:

mixed with pleasures swirled,

'mixed' and 'swirled' are a little redundant here. Once again, a little nit-picky.

Great job Starry, keep up the good work!

Dude.

Seriously.

This is amazement.

I write free verse because I am fairly terrible at structured poetry and rhyming, and you have completely blown my mind. I wish I had any concrit to give you to make up for the delight I gained in reading this.

Hi Starry! Overall, I feel like this piece has potential, but the current format is making me confused as to what vibe you were trying to give off. The rhyme scheme (which IMO is done well in the first few lines, but falls apart after "riding down an emotion slide") suggests a more childish innocent love, but then lines like "Illuminating virgin delight/take me down to heaven tonight" hint at something more adult. If my second impression is correct, I would suggest ditching the rhyme scheme and trying for more powerful sensual descriptions (changing the rating appropriately, of course). As previous reviewers have stated, I think bringing in something more personal would add depth to the piece. Right now, this is a fairly abstract picture that is difficult to connect with. Imagery would make this piece more powerful and unique to your own voice.

To end on a positive note, I really liked the line "tumble down amorous dreams". I think you could really build on that to improve this piece. Whatever you do, keep writing!

Hey there! I will be reviewing your piece of work today!

I have to say, you did amazing at this poem. I can tell the tone and mood of how you truly wanted your readers to view it. Your word quality is great, the punctuation is neatly placed in the right spot! I just love it! I do have a few things I would like to say though.

I do see a great poem in this but I am wondering how you made it all into one stanza. I believe that it should be broken up into a few. That is more eye catching to readers for poetry. I don't like reading a few things that are in one big blob! Saying this, you don't let your reader go.

Your grammar is great, I see no mistakes! I am loving this poem!

I hope this helps! I truly do, you are an amazing writer with great potential! I can't wait to review some more work from you! Thank you so much for reading this!
~Whitewolfpuppy :3

Staarryskyy,

Awesome poem!
I absolutely love the rhyme scheme! Usually, I hate it when people insist on rhyming in their poems, because they never do it right. I myself will avoid rhyming for the very reason it often sounds way cheesy and forced, and tends to ruin the rhythm of the poem. But you handled it perfectly, balancing it and not making the whole poem about the rhymes.
The imagery is beautiful. I can picture myself floating and flying on the power of love. The worlds dream and swirl and Heaven have me thinking of people floating on fluffy pink clouds for some reason... It's harmonious and peaceful.
It sounded like music, which I like. I've always seen poems as being just a step away from lyrics in that instead of matching them to a tune, you could probably create a tune to fit them. Many poems, including this one, you can almost sing the lines.
It did feel hard to submerge myself in the emotion of the poem, though. The emotion seemed...general. Add your own personal touches. How do you feel when you're in love that you're sure no one else does? Say it.

Wow. I like. O.O

It's not as hard-hitting as other poems, but it's sort of... peaceful. Like floating on the sky, or listening to a river stream flowing by. I guess it's because of all the description you kept in, which adds a nice "montage" visualization there. XD

"Flowing through gentle streams,

tumble down amorous dreams.

Illuminating virgin delight,

take me down to heaven tonight.

Flying through the dawn,

whispering a love song.

This is where we rise,

reaching up into the skies.

Riding down an emotion slide,

make me your bride.

This is our own world,

mixed with pleasures swirled.

Countless possibilities grow,

and no one has to ever know."


I have a bit of a problem with the structure though. It's all just there. Just there. It's so monotone, to tell you the truth. Your words distract from it, but you could try to give it an actual form ya know?

It's looks perfect like this: 4,4,4,2. (lines) Pardon me, I forgot the name. ^^"


"Flowing through gentle streams,
tumble down amorous dreams.
Illuminating virgin delight,
take me down to heaven tonight.

Flying through the dawn,
whispering a love song.
This is where we rise,
reaching up into the skies.

Riding down an emotion slide,
make me your bride.
This is our own world,
mixed with pleasures swirled.

Countless possibilities grow,
and no one has to ever know."

You wrote it for this scheme. O.o

Anyway, if this is for the Valentine's day contest, you'd perfect. This is what love is. It's not a "red-hot passion" or something like that. In my opinion, it's quiet, teasing, sneaks up on you. Then, it's a roller-coaster ride.

Hi,
CM here with your review.

Firstly, I quite like your style of poetry. The Rhyming was nice, and I felt it flowed very well. But although I liked it I must say that it sounded more like lyrics than a poem for me. See, the problem with rhyming is it has to rhyme and some of these sentences didn't quite add up.


Flowing through gentle streams,
tumble down amorous dreams. ( I like the use of the word 'amorous'
Illuminating virgin delight,
take me down to heaven tonight. (Sounds like some kind of song, right?)
Flying through the dawn,
whispering a love song. (I don't think this line worked well)
This is where we rise,
reaching up into the skies.
Riding down an emotion slide, (I thought this was not well written.)
make me your bride.
This is our own world,
mixed with pleasures swirled.
Countless possibilities grow,
and no one has to ever know.

Ok, so I liked it but I think you could improve on making it less song-like and more poetic (you could put it under the category lyrics though) thank you for posting and keep on writing!

Staarryskyy,

Hey Staarry! I don't think I've seen you around before, so I would like to introduce myself. I'm Audy and if there's one thing I love, that'd be poetry. So you'll definitely see me around here in the poetry boards, I know you're probably already getting used to the site, but if you ever need help or a review, feel free to stop by my wall!

Now on to the poem. I actually feel this is a cute poem that touches upon the feeling of falling heads over heels in love. I like how conceptually, the poem just sweeps through from night to dawn, and it's very swift, smooth, and it has this fluffy, dreamy quality to it too! Cute poems about love are almost best done in couplets, so the form that you chose to play with is appropriate, and I definitely appreciate that.

For the most part I felt you did a neat job on rhyme scheme, it seemed to flow nicely. The only part I tripped on as I was reading it out loud was that "riding down an emotional slide" line -- have the adjective form of emotion there. So yeah, overall you did a pretty excellent job.

My only problem with this is that it seemed a bit superficial and somewhat Hallmark-y. By that I mean, it is like a general sweep that just covers the surface. Almost everybody writes these poems about the generalities of love. This poem is more pleasing to me than a simple "roses are red, violets are blue" poem, but essentially, it still has the same effect on me. It's cute, but nothing more, nothing less. It's like cotton candy, you know? It is airy and fluffy and cute, but it doesn't fill me up. I want a full course meal over here I don't want the vague dream world, I want to feel like I know these people. I want the specifics. How is your poem going to differentiate itself from the thousands out there? When you talk about the specifics. How you poke that freckle on his arm and it makes him laugh like the dough-boy, how his laughter is like soda pop - fizzy and bubbly sweet, how you press his arm like a button, because you need to hear him laugh one more time, you need to fill the silence. This my friend is about real emotion, none of that sugary stuff. It's about going deeper.

Best of luck and wishes with your writing. <3

~ as always, Audy