Be Still

Hi there.

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

The first thing I noticed about your poem was the punctuation. I've never seen punctuation like this in a poem. It's very strict, and doesn't feel very poetic. Not all of your lines contain complete thoughts, and they need to continue into the next line to create a complete thought. You need to look at the punctuation and reevaluate where your thoughts end and begin.

I appreciate that you tried to make this into a rhyming poem, but many of the rhymes sound forced. You should choose your vocabulary based on the message, not on the way it rhymes with another word that you chose before. A good thing to do is to rewrite this poem intentionally without rhyme, and then, if rhymes are appropriate, add them back in. But don't ever let your rhyme scheme dictate what words you use.

Also, you should use more images. I like this line:

The current of life drags me.

Hey Staarryskyy, here to review this poem you got goin here. So I guess I'll just get right into it.

"Here is where I stand still.
Though it is not where I remain."

This is a really good entrance to the poem. I thought it does give you an idea of where the poem is going to go, so I did enjoy that.

"The world will go forward uphill."

This I thought you kinda pushed in there just to keep up your rhyme scheme. I think it would have been fine if you used "The world will go forward," but if you wanted to use The world will go uphill, I think you'd have to throw in some other stuff to make it sound good.

"While my past I try to maintain."

Another place where you pushed the rhyme scheme. Thought that could have used a bit more work. Those first two lines were really good, but I didn't like the others as much.

"I cannot move on my own.
The current of life drags me.
My mistakes I try to atone.
However I can't break free."

The first two, just like before, were really good. The third one, I think you pushed it again, but the last line makes up for it. The last line didn't seem pushed, and I thought it was really good.

The third stanza I thought was good, but again, using deplorable I thought was pushing it a bit.

"I look forward to see you shine."

This line I thought didn't go with the rest of the poem very well, I just thought it didn't go with what you were trying to set up in this poem. Other than that, the rest of the stanza flowed pretty well.

"I continued to turn and toss.
Then I could only be still."

I didn't really understand your ending to this. I felt that it didn't go with how you set it up in the beginning. I just really didn't understand this very much.

I realize that this was very long, I tried to get each stanza, and each line when it needed. I hope it helped, I'm pretty new to this whole poetry reviewing thing lol. Besides those few places where the rhyme scheme was pushed, and the ending, this was a great poem. You had a great idea, and you put it down pretty good, and I liked it. PM me if you ever want me to review anything else for you.

Fruit

Hello there Sky! Dogs here with your review today. Ok so to start I like your sense of rhythm that you use very well. Most the time you use the rhyme effectivly to your cause and it works well for your poem, although sometimes your rhyming becomes forced and it breaks the flow and makes your poem choppy to read. That is as always the greatest risk of rhyming. For the most part you do a good job of avoiding that, but sometimes you fall of the wagon in that regard.

"The world will go forward uphill"

Ok good imagery you use here, but this is the first example of how your writing is a little forced. Personally I don't hear people talk about the progression of stuff as "forward uphill" it just sounds jumbled and weird.

"the current of life drags me"

I like the imagery of this line, great word usage. well done here. Although I think you could do a better job of replacing "drags" with a more creative and less out of the ordinary word.

A slight problem I have when I read over this poem is that you have some punctuation at the end of every line. Well like a period or a questionmark. I would much perfer that you subsitute out some periods for commas instead, it will help the flow and rhythm of your piece and it will look better. A little more unexpected.

"However I can't break free."

Too many sylabuls here (I appologize for any spelling errors I have in this review. My spell check isn't working right now for some reason) I would replace "however" with "but."

"Did I ever change at all?"

minor minor nit picky problem here, but say "even," it just sounds smoother.

"can I meet to your call"

This sounds incredibly forced rhyme and it is so much so that the line doesn't make any sense. What are you trying to say here because I am confused. If you rhyme, you need to rhyme but still maintain normal conversation grammar and sensical voice.

"My strength is quite shrill"

again putting on my nit pick hat. You should say: "Rather" instead of "quite"

Nice ending here. All and all this is a good piece just in need of some minor polishing. Let me know if you ever need a review, hope this helped. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh