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Young Writers Society



The Cobra's Cage: Chpt. 5

by GoldFlame


As I was writing this chapter, I was debating whether to change the title to "The Cobra's Cage" or keep it. Any ideas?

---

Asiva

My hand lingered over the doorknob. Phoenix Korsar. Just the thought of his smile: his cheeks creasing, his green eyes dappled with light, like leaves with raindrops. I'd lived in misery during the mission. I saw him in the trees and the rocs we were assigned to fight. And it was this that prevented me from killing them.

I yearned to tell him how much he meant to me. As a friend. I couldn't suggest anything further; it was the loss of his girlfriend that tightened our bonds. How could I repay his consoling me? He had steered me out the darkness, and I--I had only left him, at the weakest he'd ever been. Dr. Blythe told me he had died for a moment on that operating table. His body just couldn't withstand...it. I didn't know what "it" was. I was just glad it released him.

No, glad was an understatement. As soon as I'd returned, I'd hastened to the hospital wing, but he wasn't there. The fear that ensued...was keener than a knife blade. Despite battling rocs, slaughtering drakon simulations, suffering a poisonous cobra bite.

The cobras were my first year, part of the pre-exams. They'd been unleashed in the Training Room. I still had nightmares about them, about being locked in their cages. Some deep-rooted fear seemed to be associated; I couldn't quite place it. No one in Candon remembered anything prior to their arrival on campus, and Candon was desperate to maintain that fact. No mirrors or reflecting surfaces could be located anywhere within campus borders. Yet every agent knew what a mirror was, like they'd been common appearances in our pasts.

That was another fear. No one else was the slightest bit suspicious. Even Phoenix couldn't remember some of our ponderings. So how could I trust... my memory bank? How could I know it hadn't been robbed? Even the ones of the mission kept shattering, shifting, shuffling like a deck of cards.

But Phoenix's death surpassed it. Phoenix was like kin.

Little did I know...one day those two fears would collide.

---

I could feel magic throbbing against my heart. I'd summoned it without knowing. Silver light shrouded my fingertips, as tranquil as moonshine, as unearthly as lightning.

My power was manipulating states of matter. It strengthened by the month. I didn't know a person who wasn't envious of it, except for Phoenix. Phoenix was quite proud of his; I didn't see what use it was, though. It only provided him energy and sight. As of the present, I was limited to fluids and solids, and I could only convert one object at a time. I could freeze someone's blood, but not their entire anatomy.

My light dimmed as I poured energy into it. The air occupying the door lock crystallized, assuming the contour of a key. I curled my fingers around it and jerked, so that the lock clicked and the door swung.

I'd never entered Phoenix's dorm. It was small, but that was in comparison to my dorm, which I'd shared with Scarlett. A frazzled carpet draped the floor, and shabby drapes carpeted the window panes. The walls were a cold, naked white, decorated only with suit hooks.

I crossed over to the window. It overlooked Candon's labyrinthine streets. They reflected its interior, and my mind, I couldn't help thinking. Barely broad enough for a crowd to squeeze by.

The sun was setting in the distance. A fusion of golds and silvers and scarlets. Mocking me. The gold reflected a phoenix's plumage, the silver my hair, and the scarlet... Scarlett. The three of us could never be that way. The three of us could never allow one to drag down the rest.

But... no. The silver remained. It was made immortal by the moon. And then the sun would rise again, and the gold would overtake the silver. I was most powerful in the night. Phoenix told me that a sunbeam's essence was silver, but that didn't correspond with my theory.

Superstition was the drawback of philosophy. I saw omens everywhere, and they were so obvious, I couldn't help but believe in them.

The cobras. My dreams about being locked in a cage. Was the bite really that traumatic an experience, or was my mind attempting to tell me something: that the Candon campus was the cage, the borders the bars? I was yet to figure out the cobra. Maybe me? Fed into obeisance? My friends the bars?

All this flashed through my head as I gazed through the window.

I stood there for quite a while, feet planted to the carpet, thoughts roaming the clouds. Then my leg muscles began to ache, so I sunk into a chair. It was stiff, straight-backed--perfect for thinking.

A soft creak alerted me to his presence. Warmth surged through my soul, melting my emotions, my thoughts. It almost seemed too good to be true that he was here--after all this time, standing beside me, heart beating sound.

I wrenched my lips apart, ready to call his name. But he hadn't noticed. His face was tinged gray, his features sagging.

He fingered his zipper. I hastily cleared my throat. "Phoenix." But he was already spinning round, crying, "Who's there?" One hand fled to his left pocket.

"That's the wrong pocket."

"What do you mean, it's the wrong pocket?" He sounded weary, but he moved with the agility of a soldier. I realized he was trying to find me. So I slid out of the shadows, laughing, "I'm over here, you dope."

I didn't know that he'd take such offense to "dope." He asked me what the hell I was doing in his dorm. Accused me of being his only friend. I could feel the rage pouring from his lips in rivers. At last, when he ignored my offer to recount my mission, I exited. Tears glazed my eyes. I tried to tell myself, so what? He hadn't missed me as much as I missed him. But the tears still flowed.


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Sun Mar 09, 2014 4:15 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hello!

I was having a pretty unproductive day so I decided it was high time I did something useful and reviewed this instead...

Another good chapter! I was really interesting in Asiva's power. I wish you could've demonstrated them more than only a key. I was curious to know more. But as usual, your language was impeccable, and flowed so nicely. And it was interesting to see all of her thoughts on her own memory... how she doesn't quite trust it herself and wonders what this society might be implanting in there or taking from her. Nicely done.

... I had a problem with your ellipses. They're used fine and all but when you don't put a space and write them like...this you still link the words. It should look more like... this. :D

I got a bit confused about the cobras. So she was on a mission and she got bitten and it was a traumatic experience for her... but then why did she say they arrived on campus? Let's say they suddenly arrived on campus, no one remembers how and why, and only she was bitten? Wouldn't there be more of an uproar if the whole place was overridden? I think you need to explain a bit more what happened here, because I wasn't totally getting it. But I do like how you've made the character doubt her own memory. Makes it seem like something twisted might be going on here at this place *suspense.*

The gold reflected a phoenix's plumage, the silver my hair, and the scarlet...Scarlett. We could never be that way. We could never allow one to drag down the rest.

But...no. The silver remained. It was made immortal by the moon. And then the sun would rise again, and the gold would overtake the silver. I was most powerful in the night. Phoenix told me that a sunbeam's essence was silver, but that didn't correspond with my theory.


I have to admit, I reread this many many times before I understood it as well. I like the symbolism you went into here. The 'we could never be that way' is really sudden. You should say Phoenix and I or something. I also thought it might be nice to mention how it was a never ending cycle, the moon giving in to the sun, and the sun giving into the moon. Makes a nice touch to the already great description you've got going on.

And now for the ending! It was good, and I like how you go off with the argument. But I wanted a bit more detail there. What could Phoenix have said that made Asiva cry? You did a good job of showing his rage, and how she was hurt. But I wanted to know what he said.

Okay, good chapter! Let me know when part six is posted!

Deanie x




GoldFlame says...


Another fabulous review :D! I get what you're saying about the ellipses. It's always that way in published works, but it looks too... tight. Will change! The ending is actually an overlap in time--the ending of the last chapter, I believe. But I do agree that it's paced too quickly. Thank you!!!



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Sun Mar 09, 2014 2:54 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here for a review!!

First offf...... Nitpicks!

Just the thought of his smile evoked one. ---Seems a bit vague for me... Maybe On my lips after that or something?


He'd steered me ---I don't think that is incorrect or anything, but it reads a little awkward... Perhaps, He steered me, or He had steered me?


I was just glad It released him.


I guess i just don't understand why that the bolded word is capitalized. Usually, you capitalize "He" when you are referring to God, but this is obviously not doing that. And, unless this is a name, I don't think capitalization is correct. But... I might be wrong.

My power...manipulating states of matter. ---Maybe exchange the ... for was?


What d'you mean, it's the wrong pocket?" ---The slight accent you put there(I think its an accent?) seems a little out of place, since he hasn't used that anywhere else.


Faving time and Style!

Like always, your story seems to have the perfect balance of beautiful description and realistic thinking, combined with flowing dialogue that keeps me glued to the screen. I am loving his whole piece! Asiva is a little more explained in this piece, and we start to learn what kind of a person she is, and I think I am coming to see what you mean... She isn't as cool as Phoenix! :D

One thing that I will state about your title: Molten Silver always seemed a trifle vague to me, and I didn't understand what it meant. However, the Cobra Cage sounds like its a lot more... related to your story. You will probably change it again before you are finished. :D Don't worry about it, though. I have changed the name to my book countless times. :D

Awesome job and keep writing! You have got this completely under control. Its just up to you whether or not you finish! :D
~Darth Timmyjake




GoldFlame says...


Thanks :D!! I managed to incorporate all your points. Always pleased to see a notification for your review.



timmyjake says...


:D Welcome.



GoldFlame says...


Oops. You replied before I edited it.



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Sun Mar 09, 2014 10:34 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Flamey!!!!

Gasp!! Another chapter is up! Yesss!!!!

Ok as promised I'm back as promised to give you a proper review. I was half asleep last night so the review I left was shocking. :P

This was a really interesting piece, especially because it was from Asiva's view this time and the fact that you've revealed a bit more on the wider world, Candon and how Candon works. As usual your writing and word choice was superb and I've noticed that you really have a way with metaphors.

Main Points

I completely agree with what everyone else here has said and I also have my own to add :)

I saw him in the trees, the rocs we were assigned to fight.


This should be " I saw him in the trees and the rocs we were assigned to fight."

The fear that ensued...keener than a knife blade.


This would sound better as: "The fear that ensued... was keener than a knife blade."

And Candon was desperate to maintain that fact.


I know that first person allows for a bit more leg room in terms of grammar and also allows for stronger use of stylistic writing but I would still recommend against starting a sentence with and/[i] especially because Asiva seems to speak with a voice that usually follows grammatical rules. If you're worried about the loss of effect, I think that the sentence still works well without the "and".

No mirrors or reflecting surfaces could be located anywhere within campus borders.


I really liked this little tit bit. :) It adds an ominous feel and interest for the reader. Nice :)

It was small, but that was in comparison to my dorm, which I shared with Scarlett.


Scarlet died right? Then it should be [i]which I had shared with Scarlett.


Love the sunset analogy. Nicely done.

Love Asiva's power. Very cool, I think I understand now why she was chosen for such a top secret mission rather than Phoe. Her power is more functional and thus viewed as more "powerful". Just theorizing though :)

Personally I liked you old title but... I may be slightly biased. ;D

Anyway another great piece of work, and I can't wait to see more!! Can you give me a shout whenever you post? So that I can swoop upon it and devour it in all it's glory :) I love it. Happy writing!! :)

Silverlock




GoldFlame says...


Thanks! I see what you mean on both points. Off to edit! :D



GoldFlame says...


Thank you!!! You pointed out things I didn't notice after rereading the chapter three times :D. I'm so glad you liked it. Oh, and I think @SilverFlame would agree with you.



Silverlock says...


Haha! I'm glad I helped. Is @SilverFlame your alter ego??



SilverFlame says...


Someone called?



Silverlock says...


Haha! Nice to meet you silver.




You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender