White tablets fall into
His soft hands, long fingertips
Pulling back to enclose
The capsules in his grasp.
I don’t know why he does it,
But alas, he does.
He swallows them, chasing
His little friends into his
Mouth and down his throat,
Calming his system.
Maybe, just maybe
A little to much.
He sits down, his body
Directly next to mine.
I can see the depression
In his eyes.
He has an addiction, an affliction
To the little tablets that cling
Ever-so-close to his wounded heart.
I sit and watch as he
Looks at the sky through the window.
I’m about to look away.
I’m about to let my eyes
Watch the road extend home when
He slumps.
His body falls forward,
Almost like his spine has
Completely disappeared.
My hand immediately
finds his neck.
I can’t find the pulse.
I can’t find his heartbeat.
I put my head against
His shoulder.
He isn’t gone.
He can’t be gone
I pray to a God that
I have yet to know
For the revival of the one
Thing keeping me from
Complete,
Utter,
Insanity.
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Canary word: Present
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello! *waves*
First things first, the nitpicks~
To should be too.
Okay, wow, one grammar mistake? *wipes forehead* Awesome! Now we can move on to the poem itself. Warning: I am no poet, but I will do my best.
First off, I hate the capitalization. Yeah yeah, I know poetry basically defies all the rules of capitalization, but ugh, this always drives me batty. I suggest that you don't start every line with a capitalized letter. Well, actually, I suggest this only if the sentence hasn't ended yet. I feel like the poem would flow better if you fixed that, because it creates awkward breaks and makes the poem sound choppy and weird when spoken aloud.
I also don't like the last three lines. I know you meant to make them stand out, but they aren't strong by themselves. They feel weak and empty. I recommend you just blend those three together, so they can play off of each other's strengths and become stronger.
Other than that, I thought the poem was okay. It wasn't terrific, but it was okay. It was well written, but the message fell rather short. I'm not even sure what the overall point was. I find it odd that someone would swallow pills on a populated bus, where everyone can see him, and I dislike how the person sitting next to him didn't stop him. I also am confused as to the connection between the narrator and the suicidal male. I think you could do better with making things clearer. But overall, it was good. You win extra points for a lack of a forced rhyme scheme.
Cheers~
What a sad story... You've done well in establishing the melancholy.
It is. He's alive and well now, but still hasn't kicked the addiction. It's quite sad.
I fixed it!
If you type it using shift+enter, the double spacing will go away, and you can just use the plain old enter to leave a space for the stanzas
. It's tricky, someone had to tell me, so I pass it on to you now.
Nitpicks first:
He has an *addicion, an affliction
*addiction
Other than that, I love the images you've created here. So constant and real and desperate. As usual, so much feeling, and I've been totally captivated and saddened, but in the best way. Your writing often leaves me feeling empty, but not in a bad way. Like, in a humbled, deepened way, that makes you look around and think. All of your writing is so personal and you're so brave. Thank you again for sharing.
Thank you! I was having difficulty with that haha, but I'm going to fix it now that I know how
and this was written off of a real situation, as most of my poetry is. I wanted to write a nonfiction piece, but it was too painful, so I wrote this and I like it much better.
I'm really glad you liked this piece. I get so paranoid that people are going to hate it, so I just post it anyway and brace for impact.
Also, I write from the core, so that might be why you get that feeling when reading my pieces. That's actually the first time someone's said that about my style, too haha. I really want people to see me instead of a character or a persona. All of my writing is narrated by me, for the most part. With fiction, I don't do that as much, but my personality is in everything I do.
I'm really thankful for your gracious comments. Thank you
The formatting got screwed up here! They were supposed to be divided into stanzas...