Have I ever told you that the look in your eyes sparks a fire in me that I’ve never even seen the sun try to replicate? Have I ever let you in on the secret that you have the power take my bones and rearrange them so that I weaken at the sight of you? If I haven’t, then I apologize.
I apologize for never telling you that my elastic heart loves to wrap around you, embracing your every detail. Breathing in your nicotine breath, kissing your lips. I apologize for never referencing how I love to run my hands through your hair, exploring the surface that shields a brain with intelligence unmeasurable.
I apologize for never emphasizing the attraction that I have to your laugh, your pure displays of joy. That smirk that you get when you’ve just realized something. It takes the breath from my lungs, replenishing my life force with only you.
You’re my oxygen.
You make my skies blue.
Only you.
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Wow. The emotion flows PERFECTLY. One reason why I adore your writing is because of it's originality. Who else would write "Have I ever let you in on the secret that you have the power take my bones and rearrange them so that I weaken at the sight of you? If I haven’t, then I apologize."
Right there is incredible descriptive writing that I can't get enough of. The compassion and love in this poem is absolutely beautiful. Your words shine through the poem and I truly think you couldn't have done a better job.
Amazing work and I can't wait to see more from you!
Awww, you don't even know what a big smile this put on my face. You did such a good job with this, and it is so natural and heartfelt. It is so warm and happy.
I read through the other reviews, and I have to say that I was surprised that "nicotine breath" was referencing the fact that he is actually a smoker. I thought it was saying that his breath was addicting like nicotine, which I thought was beautiful, so I think it works well either way.
I will say that soft as silk is kind of clichéd, maybe you could find some other simile. The rest of it was so unique, so that cliché stuck out like a sore thumb.
I love the way that the formatting dwindles down from prose to more poem format. It makes me follow along with your feelings, going from pouring them forth in something almost like a guilty apology, and a realization that you haven't ever told them their importance to you down to every detail, then boils down to this confession of them being your world.
Altogether wonderful job. It's really gorgeous and breathtaking and entirely sweet and personal. Great job, I am totally in love with your writing and can't wait to read more
Thank you so much! I'm definitely going to change that line, for sure. That, and I didn't even realize the way that the form dwindled ha ha. But thank you for helping me see that!
This is a really personal piece and I'm so happy that you liked it!
I liked it. The prosey style seemed to express (to me) how the narrator is exploding with love for this person, can't wait to get the emotion onto the page. I like the line "take my bones and rearrange them so that I weaken at the sight of you". I noticed how you use a lot of references to anatomy/biology - they really capture how the narrator feels the person keeps them alive, but "shields a brain" didn't seem to fit the romantic nuances as much as "you're my oxygen", "elastic heart", etc. I'd suggest maybe "mind", but this is up to you
I'd say that some descriptions are overdone in romantic poems, like "soft as silk", "sparks a fire". Overall I found this very heartfelt. Well done, keep writing
Thank you! I think I will change "brain" to "mind". It would flow better that way
Deadman here with a review for you today! First, welcome to YWS and I hope you're finding your way in this vast website. Okay, so it isn't that fast, nor hard to figure out. However, if you need any help feel free to PM me at anytime. I'm on pretty much everyday, and I'll be happy to help. Okay let's jump straight into the review.
Pros-
1. Interesting. I've not seen a poem start out in a structured paragraph style, and then continue to funnel down. That's actually interesting, and I like the way it looks.
2. Great descriptions! I could see it happening before me! I love to see what you're writing, without you telling me what I need to see.
3. Emotion. I could feel the love. (Was that cliché?) I mean I could feel how much you loved this person.
Cons-
1. Weird, "Breathing in your nicotine breath, kissing your lips, soft as silk." It's interesting to me that you find that an attractive feature. I mean if you like a person who smokes that's okay. I can tell how personalized this poem is, but for the more generalized audience, that part about nicotine killed the moment. If you wanted it to be better for the more generalized audience, I would have put sweet, instead of nicotine. That's just me, but it's perfectly fine for a personalized poem.
Overall, a great poem. It was very interesting! I liked it, and I enjoyed being able to feel and see what was going on. I think you've got a good future writing poems. I honestly hope to see more from you in the future. Until next time, happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
My boyfriend is a chain smoker, and the smell of smoke is always on him. So, it is a personal poem, and I think that the audience is very small, and that's the point. It's epistolary, kind of a letter without being a letter thing.
Alright, that clears it up. Well then as a personal poem, you can disregard that comment.