We sit,
parked under the stars,
the only real source of light being
the tip of your Pyramid cigarette,
nearly finished.
We kiss, and
there’s nothing but us.
The leather seats of your car become mere
platforms for our luxury.
The fog that now resides on your windshield acts as a smokescreen,
keeping us hidden from the rest of the world; from reality.
I run my hand through your cropped ginger locks,
and there’s nothing to comprehend.
I feel so connected as our lips find each other once again.
Isn’t it so magnetic, electric,
how the world can just fade away?
Almost like you’re a dream, almost
like you can’t be real, but
you’re still in front of me,
kissing my slightly chapped lips under the midnight sky.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Alright, this was so well written. It flowed smoothly, and had a nice rhythm. I liked the romantic theme, and how you managed not to make the poem really sappy. The only thing I would suggest is that you add a bit more separation. To conclude you did an awesome job, and I enjoyed how visual it was, without going into too much detail (that doesn't really make much sense, sorry).
Hello, thomasmkraus. Subtle here for a review!
So first of all, I would like to say for a first poem this was rather well done. The imagery was very realistic, especially about the girl and her appearance. You really dwelled into the details of how she appears to you, making her much more palpable than mere words on a page. Like these lines:
Now, I'm sorry to do this but I have to point out some things I didn't really like. First of all, your punctuation. Is a bit all over the place, you placed commas and periods in places where it would've flown better without them. So consider them carefully. I also think that this poem, could really benefit from stanzas. Because grouped together like this, not only does it make it seem messy than it really is, it sounds much more like prose than poetry to me. Make a break where you think is needed, because it would much more pleasant to read and would not seem so long.
Besides from those little nitpicks, I really enjoy your poem. Especially the ending line,
Is the perfect ending for a pleasant poem, keep up the good work, kiddo!(Sorry, I say that almost every newbie on here. By the way welcome to YWS!)
I hope to more of your work, as there is potential in your words. Keep it up!
-S.s