I sing to the various colors that
Paint the sky.
It’s sunset.
I can tell by the darkening
Shades of green that cover the
Thriving nature of the forest.
I can hear your voice
in the distance.
You sing to the water,
the rushing currents that
run through my trees.
We harmonize as the
sun nestles itself on the hillside -
paying the day it’s temporary farewell.
The day turns to night, and your voice
comes closer to mine.
You sing of the stars; of
harmony in galaxy.
It’s almost cinematic how
your voice feels at one with mine
as you sing to me.
Tonight, on
this very night.
On the eve of
weekend’s demise,
we become one.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Loved this piece.
In some way, this is inspiring. I loved how you put ownership on the word "trees" and how you described every word with vivid detail. I had many emotions while reading this, and to be honest, that's doesn't happen often. Your choice of words is outstanding. You have a natural talent and I don't think you realize that. I am always looking to see if you post, and when you do, I try to read it before anyone else. I just want you to know they you got a brilliant future ahead of you.
Keep up the AMAZING work!!
When it comes to a subject, a day of the week is one of the last things I would have expected such a magnificent piece to come from.
I would first like to say amazing job. You caught my attention instantly and reeled me in with your melodic rhythm.
This stanza in and of itself is probably my favorite:
I am left wondering who it is singing said song, or if perhaps you are simply referring to the day of the week. The possessive on "my trees" brings about a sense of intimacy, comfort and belonging. Very, very good.
I also thought it notable how you noted it as such:
It gives the piece a sense of finality and end.
I have to say, bravo. You did an amazing job. Keep up the good work.
xx- Delirium
Thank you so much!
Hmm, this was a beautiful poem. What I really admired was your imagery and the way you somehow made me feel the poetry. It had atmosphere, it had depth, and there seemed to be a sort of spiritual love to this. Are you Christian or religious at all? I'd be surprised if you weren't because what the way you interwove spirituality into this piece was amazing. Now in terms of critique, you tended to start each line at awkward times that seemed to put a negative impact on the overall flow. What I suggest is read this out loud, and whilst doing so, halt after each line and before you read the next one aloud, ask yourself if this is where you should stop it or if some of it should go into the next line. Besides this, great job!
I'm not really that religious. This was supposed to be an affair between the week and the weekend, Sunday being the only day that they can come together at sunset.
and I've always had a problem with trying to do line breaks well, so thank you for your criticism. I'll keep that in mind when I revise this! Thank you!