Cold
All I feel is cold.
Frigid hands are covering
my eyes, holding me,
keeping me calm.
I hear a voice whisper
“He’s going to tell it all.”
A bright flash of florescence, and
The hands are gone,
leaving me to look
at the scene around me.
Leaving me bare,
almost like my skin has been
ripped from my flesh.
Hundreds of eyes stare into
the darkest corners of my pupils,
almost like I’m a mosaic, missing
the golden pieces that could
make me seem so bright.
All they can see instead
are black smudges kept
in the dark with my secrets,
along with my past.
Along with their labels, the
slurs that they call me.
They are names equivalent to
piercing daggers in my mind.
They hit me
again,
again,
and
again.
Call it a leap of faith.
Call it almost
the kill of a jackrabbit’s run,
stopping the endless cycle;
letting the blood run cold.
Cold.
Cold like tile.
Cold.
Frigid as the mosaic.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! Let's get down to business.
This is so amazing I could almost feel the chill! I actually have no problems with this it's a very strong poem.
My favorite lines would be
"Hundreds of eyes stare into
the darkest corners of my pupils,
almost like I’m a mosaic, missing
the golden pieces that could
make me seem so bright."
So powerful and surprisingly relatable without losing its unique feel.
The only thing I would ever consider changing might be in the last stanza. Maybe having the lines be "Cold like the tile" "Frigid as the mosaic" to show slight repetition and working the flow better. Keep up the amazing work, I'm looking forward for much more from you! Have a nice day!
~Purple
Sunshine1113 here to review....
OMG AWESOME!!!!!! I absolutely love this. It's totally relatable and captures the readers attention and keeps it. I just have an issue with the first part:
"Frigid hands are covering
my eyes, holding me,
keeping me calm."
It just sounds really weird to me. It may be because my dog is barking and I can't read it correctly, but it does sound strangely worded to me. Other than that awesome job. Oh did I mention that I love what you did with the agains. It's just cool how you spread them out like that to add emphasis. If you want to add more emphasis maybe make them italicized as well? I think that would be cool as well. And also I love the analogues in this as well. The more I read this the more I love it. This is like the third time I've said this but awesome job.