Broken heart one more time,
why even try?
It's like gravity is defying me.
Deciding it's going to play God.
Going against our very nature.
Weren't we born to love?
So why is it the opposite?
The only thing that keeps me alive is a hope.
That dwindles every time.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
I really like this poem
it's interesting to see what others come up with when there are related poems to the same topic of heartbreak. It really is a beautiful piece. Even thought it hasn't gone fully with me I have had it a tiny bit with those I like.
To the actual review is that the second to last line should be cut a little to match the length of the other lines (just a suggestion). And the title should match the main message not just the first line.
There Is a good message here and I easily see it within the poem and I find you up it behind subtle words. It has a really nice gentle flow into each other so good job
me
Wow,A very beautiful piece,
So first thing with the review is that the title should've been something else because the first line expressed you heart's condition and rest of the poem goes towards hopelessness so the title is not fitting here,it should accommodate the whole poem.
And again the second last line has quite a length so it should've been " Only a hope's keeping me alive".
These are minor things but sap the juice of this poem.
Hello BrittanyNicole, Cheetah here to review for you. (My 150th review!!)
I found this piece very interesting. I like the subtle message it sends, and the metaphor is beautiful.
The one thing I would critique at all would be changing this line:
To this:
Overall this had a very nice flow. Thank you for sharing and keep writing!
Thank you very much! I will keep that in mind.
You're welcome!
It's really great! I like your writing style, it's really awesome,and not at all boring or two dimensional. I kinda hate to do this, but it's constructive critisism, remember? Ok...I kind of don't get the part about gravity. Is your heart falling down, shattering to pieces? Or are you? I kind of don't get that part. I think it's just the right length, you pretty much covered the topic in a few short words. It's nice though, you wouldn't want to write too much about this, it could get lengthy or boring. Another thing I have to mention is the way you shifting from gravity (which, again, I kinda didn't get...) to playing God. I think some readers also won't get the part about gravity, so... it would be difficult to get why it is playing God. I like that bit, though, about playing God, I just felt you could have used it a little better.
OK...Remember, any negativity in there is only to help you improve. You're a really great writer with really developed, nice ideas.
Your Friend,
Kristen.
Thank you also for your advice.
I know some people get ticked off about criticism, but how are you going to know what needs improvement if you can't handle a few pieces of advice? It's like baby-steps to getting to were you want to be. So thank you!