“Asenath! Slow down!” cried a boy of about twelve. The wind whipped past him as he sped down a stone path lined with fruit trees.
“You can’t catch me!” retorted a ten year old girl ahead of him, her milky brown eyes flashing. Her feet, adorned with braided sandals, hardly seemed to touch the ground as she flew down the path. Even though the slim Egyptian girl was in a long white tunic, she was utterly defeating a tall, strong boy in a foot race.
“Wait!” the boy called. “You win! I can’t go all the way to the walled garden at this pace!” The boy, Amnon, who was Asenath’s brother, sat down on a rock gasping for breath. Little beads of sweat dripped down his locks of raven black hair. Asenath giggled as she skipped back to her brother.
“But we are almost there! You don’t think that you could have caught up by then? I thought that you said, and I quote, ‘You can’t beat me in that dress’,” Asenath teased.
“Alright, alright! You are faster than me. Actually, you are probably the fastest girl in all of Egypt. Your feet have the wings of Isis”
“Well, I’m glad that’s settled. Remember that the next time you race me!”
Amnon grinned. “You best remember that I am a boy and you should respect me.”
“You are silly Amnon. Neither of us has cared about that before!”
“I know. But… we are getting older.” Amnon sighed. “Never mind. We better get back to the temple.” He hoisted up, and they headed back to the main area of the land in silence.
Yes, Asenath knew that they were getting older. She saw her brother less often now that he had turned twelve. He mostly stayed in the temple studying to be a priest of Ra. Now that she was ten, she had to take hours, under the close surveillance of her mother, to make herself prettier than all the other Egyptian girls.
If mother saw me now, with my face red from running, she would have a heart attack.
Her mother assured her that, if she followed the right steps, she might even be picked as the chosen wife of the Pharaoh’s son. Since her father, the high priest of Ra in the city of On, was very high up in political and social standings, she had a good chance.
That is probably my family’s goal. To get me married off to some high official and get more power.
But Asenath did not look forward to that. She wished to live in On, the city of Ra, for the rest of her life. The priest’s land was lush and beautiful. The whole city was full of sparkling buildings and majestic obelisks. The city of the gods was a dazzling sight, worthy of the king of the gods. Who would want to leave that type of place? Who would want to leave the freedom of roaming the priests land every day?
Why do things have to change?
Asenath turned to look into Amnon’s olive eyes. He winked then kissed her hand. “Oh, my beautiful sister, I will miss this when you are married. Our casual strolls and conversations are a bright spot in my week. But no one else is as worthy as you to one day be the wife of Pharaoh. What a blessing from the gods!”
Asenath’s muscles tightened, but she kept her thoughts to herself. Even though she trusted Amnon with her life, this was not the type of thing to be resented. To look down on a blessing of the gods was an abomination in Egyptian culture. Asenath wiped a stray tear from her eye, hoping that Amnon hadn’t noticed.
In just a few minutes, they came to the back gate of Ra’s temple. The siblings embraced. Asenath could smell the light hint of smoke from the temple fires on his tunic. She held him a bit longer than normal. As he gently pushed her back, gave her a comforting smile.
He then turned and entered the bronze gates.
#*#*#*#*#*#
Asenath slowly tiptoed across the polished glass. She was late getting back from her walk, and her mother would be angry. She was hoping to sneak into her room without being noticed.
“How dare you not bring me the best linen?” Her mother’s voice wafted down a hall. Asenath sucked her breath as she heard her mother coming towards her.
Her eyes darted around the room looking for a place to escape. She noticed a golden statue in the corner. As the steps of her mother came closer and closer, Asenath darted for the statue. But she didn’t notice a slave scrubbing the floor.
She charged for the hiding place, but immediately slipped and jerked forward. The slave looked up and stifled a laugh as Asenath screamed then hit the wet floor. At that exact moment, her mother walked in.
Just my luck.
Her mother’s mouth dropped like a weight. Asenath stood up covered in soapy suds.
“What are you doing? You are late! And you soaked your new crimson belt! What happened?!”
Asenath’s mind raced. She couldn’t tell her mother that she was running in the house! “Um, well mother, I was… it was…, um,”
“Are you never going to become a lady? Don’t you want to marry the Pharaoh?”
Asenath suppressed a sigh while she rang out her belt.
Say the right thing.
“Of course mother,” Asenath said reluctantly.
“That’s what I thought. Let’s go to your room and get ready for the evening meals. Also, don’t think you got away with that lack of self-control. Tomorrow, you must stay in your room instead of going on your walk.”
“Mother!” Tears began streaming down Asenath’s face. “Tomorrow will be the last day I can see Amnon for a month!”
“You should have thought of that before you decided to go swimming in the washing water. Slave! Get me a dry cloth!” The slave jumped to his feet, bowed low, and scurried off.
Asenath turned to face a window and scowled with her arms crossed. Her mother turned as well, only now realizing that the merchant she had come in with was still there grinning. While her mother dealt with the merchant, Asenath continued to glare out the window.
It’s not fair! Why should I be punished just for running? I wish that I had a different mother! She is so mean and strict! She doesn’t care about what I like to do!
Her mother’s voice snapped her back to the real world. “Darling, I bought you new linen!”
Asenath whipped around, yelling. ‘What is the point? There is no point! I don’t want to marry an ugly prince! I NEVER want to get married! Ever!”
Her mother’s face went white. She sunk to her knees and began to weep.
“Ra! Ra! She is only a child! Forgive her! She did not mean it! Let her be picked!” she continued to sob.
Asenath’s face turned red when she realized what she had said. Punishment given by the gods for contradicting parents could be severe. “Oh!” she cried, “I did not mean it!” She ran to her mother’s side.
What have I done?
“Ra! I want to marry the Pharaoh’s son! I do! Don’t punish us!”
I made the gods angry!
“Are you alright, mother?” Asenath whispered.
“Never say that to your father. He would surely throw us out. You must marry the prince. That is the only reason we live in Potipherah’s large house. Do you know that?”
“What?
“I am only Potipherah’s favorite wife because of you. If you were another woman’s daughter, SHE would live in this beautiful house, and I would live in a concubine home. He would probably see me only once or twice a year. And I love him! Oh, I love him!
“I never knew…”
I will marry the Pharaoh. I will. If only to keep my mother with my father. If only to appease the gods.
Her mother hurriedly stood up and composed herself. “Well then, enough with this foolishness. Ah! I hear the slave coming!” Then, calmly she whispered in Asenath’s ear, “Not a word, dearest, not a word.”
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Timmy here
Yeah, so now is probably the time for you to be wondering what I am doing here. And why I am writing you a review on this piece - something now more then a year old. Well, I watched your postings of Asenath (to be honest, I thought it was Anaseth for so long. xD) ever since you started, but never reviewed or even looked at them. And I have no idea why I didn't.
I have decided to read through your entire book, giving you my thoughts and commenting and reviewing the whole way - regardless of how many amazing reviews you have received before me. My sis (therese) told me this story is awesome and a fun read, so here I am! My reviewing list has been getting pretty lean lately, and without any new books to conquer, I have been slacking in reviews. Merh. So your book will also get me back into my reviewing "groove". Anywho, enough of the needless chatter.
Let's see what we can dig up here. :3
Yes, I will focus quite a bit of this review on that short little tidbit of a sentence. When you're writing, you do have to give the reader a mix of show and tell. You can't merely do showing, and you can't just tell, either. So you have to find a balance of both, giving us the perfect amount of each - also being in the right places. One thing which can sometimes make your descriptions stilted and somewhat stereotypically newbie (only in few places) are your ways of telling the readers. Mainly, the age. Age is something a reader can pick up on as they read through, and something you can tell through the character's thoughts and actions. I can't think of a place in any book where the narrator just telling the reader the age of the character ever sounded good, or read nicely - because it's awkward and stilted.
As are quite a few of your descriptive bits. It isn't that you don't give us a good picture. I can really see a picture of your character - oh, yes. They're quite clear. But how you present them needs tweaking and better arrangement. Doing things like: he adjusted the golden crown on his raven-black hair when he fell on the muddy ground (random made-up example) doesn't do any description justice, and one of the main things you can do to help liven it up is work on taking out adjectives. Yeah, they're amazing. Without adjectives, the entire story-writing world would be so bland and boring. But they're just like adverbs. You have to use them wisely. If you can, always try to find the strongest nouns to put your meaning out there. So, using my example above, I could have strengthened the sentence and easing the reading of it by making muddy ground simply mud, simplified the description of the hair or moved it to a separate sentence to avoid an overabundance of adjectives (and also because it's weird to describe hair and a crown and the ground all in one sentence).
These are minor issues, but things you can work on a bit as you go into revisions.
This is just me putting out there a guess, since you're the one who did the research on this and not me... but wouldn't the Egyptian guys be wearing a tunic, too? Doubt they wore jeans back then. hee-hee I am only saying that because all the Egyptian images I see show a guy in a tunic-thingy.
YES. This is what I am talking about! Remove the part in the beginning where the narrator said "about twelve". That read stilted and odd, since it didn't seem to fit. Learning his age through the mind of Asenath was amazing, and so much better. Keep it that way. :3
While I am sort of on the subject of that first sentence, you need to tweak it a bit. The first sentence is what the reader sees first, right? The very first thing their eyes fall on, and what will either pull them into the story or shy them away from it. Yours is, to be completely honest and somewhat mean, kind of boring. And doesn't pull me in like I would want to be. Isn't attractive, as far as first sentences go. I would try to find a different part of the chapter, even a few sentences down, where they are doing something more interesting, and have that as your beginning. Or, you know what? Skip the dialogue as the beginning, since it isn't that unique and didn't suck me in, and do the part with her running. That was more interesting, and had more fun to it. And, it doesn't confuse the reader as to who the main character is. Begin with Asenath, and end with Asenath (I love, love her name, by the way. It is so purdy. ;_;).
Okay, how do I put this delicately? Your two main characters in this story (from what I can see), the mother and Asenath, act very melodramatic in this story. Overly so. Even though they both may be going through stressful times and experiencing trouble with things, you need to keep a groundedness to their dialogue and make sure your readers never laugh in the wrong places or roll their eyes at your character's unneeded drama (not saying I did that, but yeah, the drama is a bit excessive). And perhaps it isn't too dramatic in some place of the story, but it was definitely too sudden for me. One moment she is running about with her brother, having fun conversation... and the next she is in the room, weeping with her mother and screaming out that she isn't fair. Perhaps work on the mood transitions? Just make it smoother there, and perhaps ease up on the exclamation marks, which would ease up on the yelling and dramatic feeling.
So now that I reach the end of my reading through the piece, I now know why you have so many reviews, and why this book was talked about. 0.o You are a very good writing. Really good. Wow, just reading through this gave me the feeling of being inside the character, and part of their thoughts and actions. That is a pretty cool feeling, and you do such an amazing job bringing me into Asenath and making me like her even in this first chapter. That is a gift - one you cannot forget. Because it is your greatest ability that I can see. Making your reader grow to love your character, even in the first chapter... that's incredible. I understand Asenath, I like her, I can follow where she is going and the feelings that are going through her mind. I am loving this. <3 And I am so happy I found this novel, not only because it's written so well, but because I love historical fiction, and this one is done so well and cast in such a wonderful time period. Such a fun time! I will definitely keep going.
See you at the next chapter soon. :3
~Darth Timmyjake
Wow. I haven't been on this website in awhile since finals started up so I hadn't seen this. Thank you so much! I love your novel Affinity and it really is an honor to get reviews from such a great writer.
This was my first draft (which is probably strikingly obvious). I am starting a second draft over Christmas break that will hopefully fix some of the things you were mentioning (first sentence, pacing, and realisticness-I just made that word up) .
realisticness (probs didn't spell that right. O.0) Oh, thank youuu. <3 Yes, I will be conquering this novel. It's already a fun ride.
The second draft always smooths things over.
I just read this again <3 Boy, Asenath changed!!!
Hello, Aravis10! Nice to see you! I love Egyptian and Greek mythology, and I would've read this sooner if I had known it was about Egypt.
Okay, first off. WOW. I think your description was amazing, and you really got me in. The beginning, however, seemed more like a show-and-tell without the show. I need you to show more things, instead of telling us straight out that Asenath has braided sandals or Amnon is strong and tall. I do like how you showed Asenath was fast, though. Next thing! You don't need a space after the ellipsis. It is technically correct, but connecting them is my style. You don't have to change it if you don't want to. In the second portion, you say Amnon "hoisted up". I can't really get a picture here. Maybe you could say, "He hoisted himself up".
"But… we are getting older."
"He hoisted up, and they headed back to the main area of the land in silence."
Here, I think in Asenath's mumbling, it is a bit confusing. You have all these dots and commas everywhere, and I had to read it twice to figure it out. How about this: "Um, well mother, I was...it was...um..." And from your former words, I thought her mother wanted her married to the pharaoh's son.
"Asenath’s mind raced. She couldn’t tell her mother that she was running in the house! “Um, well mother, I was… it was…, um,”
“Are you never going to become a lady? Don’t you want to marry the Pharaoh?"
At the end, you forgot to put a quotation mark.
"He would probably see me only once or twice a year. And I love him! Oh, I love him!"
I really think this is beautifully written. I cannot believe I thought this was boring. You have an amazing talent, Aravis10, and you must use it! So keep writing!
-wisegirl22
Wait! Who thought it was boring? Anyways, thank you for your review! Well, she is supposed to marry the Pharaoh's son who is the Pharaoh to be. Does that make sense? I'll try to make it clearer in the chapter.
Yesh. But, I thought it was boring. No offense to your wonderful work. I loved it so much I read all the chapters. Chapter 34 soon?
Chapter 33 is the last chapter...
Oh...NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! *wails and cries*
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Well, after reviewing some of your recent chapters a while back, I found that I was curious to see what was actually really going on. I promise to review this book until the end. *crosses heart* Hopefully I'll be able to keep this promise. xD
So my first impression of this, was that you portray most of your emotion through your dialogue. Normally, I usually dislike that, but in this case, I loved it. Most of the time it feels forced and unnecessary, but you did a good job at portraying it realistically and full of emotion, without shoving it in our faces. That's my opinion on that for now.
I will point out one or two spots where your dialogue may seem a trifle forced later on, but for right now I love it.
For description, I would have liked a wee bit more. Not in terms of facial expressions and what they did, but the setting. Maybe just one or two more lines every now and then, to kinda set it up more. Would present a clearer picture, and would also help us picture the Egyptian life. Just every now and then. Not to often, but enough to remind us how everything is situated.
OK, I usually don't comment much on stuff like this, but here I thought this was a good example of telling and not showing. Instead of telling us that the boy was twelve, why not show us, through some description of his facial features, and then kinda feed the info to us later on in the chapter, that he's twelve. Awesome description later on, btw.
Just a slight error here. I put it in red. Just something to edit when you do the final draft.
Technically this is grammatically correct, but I still didn't like it much. The apostrophes seem too close to the quotation marks, making it seem rather awkward looking. I'd suggest getting rid of the apostrophes and then placing that small bit in italics.
Something to consider when doing the final edit. This is a new way of talking. I mean, you and I would sound perfectly normal saying or thinking this, right now, but then? No. We wouldn't talk or think like that, in those days. It just wasn't the way they thought or talked. I'd suggest trying to find some other way, of saying that her mother would panic if she saw her with her face red.
Well there's sooo little mistakes in this work, that I'm just pointing out little typo's now, and technicalities. I put this error in red. Missing word is all.
OK, this is something that I used to do myself. But after a few times of somebody scolding me for it, I quit. It's grammatically incorrect, and really shouldn't be done. Two points of punctuation. Shouldn't do that ever. If you want to make it seem like their yelling, but it's in question form, then the dialogue structure should be enough to do that. So place a exclamation mark there, in my opinion, instead of a question mark. xD
I understand that this is usually a stylistic choice, but I thought I'd mention it anyway. Capitalizing a phrase or a word to draw an emphasis on it, isn't really that good of an idea in my opinion. If you want to emphasize something, then you can place it into italics. My opinion is all.
Overall, I liked this chapter, mainly because it drew us into the story, without info-dumping. Now usually when I see someone do a first draft and their beginning chapter comes out, it's like a HUGE info-dump. I'm a little guilty of that as well actually. xD I mean, we got introduced to the lead character, got to learn what some of her goals were, or more accurately her parents goals. I thought, the description was right on par, with the Egyptians and their ways. Egyptians can be rather strange of course, and you portrayed very well.
Keep writing! On to the next chapter now!
~Cricket
This was great! Some things could be improved, of course (when is that not the case, though?) but overall, excellent job. I really enjoyed the juxtaposition of what Asenath is feeling and thinking, what she does, and the actions and words of the people around her.
The tension begins rising, and we see her internal and external motivations, which is just what's supposed to happen in the exposition of a story. Already, you give the reader a strong urge to go on by creating so much tension in the chapter. So many conflicts have already been revealed: her mother's wishes and hers, her brother's distance while he's studying, her mother's love for Potipherah, her brother's expectations of her, and most of all the conflict within herself. For her own sake, she doesn't want to marry Pharaoh's son. But for her mother's sake, she does.
Yet, the tension is not forced. Despite the conflicts already obvious in the story, the mood of Asenath's story is not dark, or dreary, or hopeless. You balance the building of tension and release of tension excellently.
I have a few suggestions to improve the flow of the story.
First of all, this first chapter is pretty fast-paced. That's not a bad thing, and maybe you want to keep it that way. But I feel like more details and imagery would add to the story. The ratio of action/movement/dialogue to feelings/descriptions/thoughts in this chapter is perfectly fine. You don't need to add paragraph-long swathes of uninterrupted, excessive details--but a less hasty description of their looks, the land around them, and the events that are occurring would help the reader envision the scene more clearly and vividly.
For example, more imagery like this:
The sections where you describe Asenath's family's goals, her goals, and her back-story are absolutely necessary to the story. In fact, more explanation of those things wouldn't hurt.
Okay, I'm done with my general, overarching analysis of this chapter. On to nitpicking specific style and grammar and such.
How about "the ten year old girl ahead of him"? Might make the writing clearer.
Excellent imagery and allusion, but you forgot a punctuation mark at the end of Amnon's sentence.
Since this is direct address, you need a comma after "silly" and before "Amnon."
"She had to take hours"? Kind of awkward phrasing there. Maybe find a stronger verb to use there. And/or rearrange the sentence so that "under the close surveillance of her mother" isn't smack dab in the middle of two important pieces of information that are closely connected. Like, shift "under ... mother" to the very end of the sentence.
"The" slave might make more sense.
How about "since her father Potipherah, the high priest..."? Someone was asking that her father's name be mentioned earlier....
Her family's goal IS to get her married off to some high official. She knows that. She's just unsure whether it's for her sake that they want it, or because they want more power. The way it's phrased, it sounds like she's unsure that they want to marry her off, which is confusing, because we know without a doubt that they want to do that. Revise her thoughts, maybe? (I know, that sounds so sci-fi, like you're going to brainwash her....)
Wafted down "the" hall, maybe? Also, she "sucked her breath"? Add "in" so it makes more sense: maybe "sucked in her breath" or "sucked her breath in."
Awkward punctuation. Unsure of itself and what it's doing. (Going through puberty, I guess.)
Would a girl actually think all of this so clearly and directly? Or just be flooded with a tempest of feelings with a few scattered, half-nonsensical thoughts? I feel like Asenath wouldn't actually think exactly this. Revise her thoughts again? (She just won't stay brainwashed! ...uh, sorry, I'm really lame.)
So, what exactly happened to the merchant? Her mother "dealt with the merchant." What does that mean? Is he gone? Did her mother send him away and promise never to buy from him again? Is he still standing there, only brow-beaten into absolute solemnity? Her mother wouldn't want some random merchant to see an emotional mother-daughter fight, so he could then go out and gossip about it.... Make it clearer what happened?
Just a lack of end quotation marks for her mother's words. (This section is an excellent scene between mother and daughter, by the way!)
Comma after calmly.
So. I'm finally finished. These are just suggestions. You don't have to take any of them, of course!
(I'm just a very picky person. Don't worry; I write this much for pretty much everyone. People in school ask me to look over their papers and edit them. When they get the paper back, they are shocked at the sheer amount of red ink and notes and questions on their paper.)
I enjoyed reading this! I'm definitely coming back to read the rest of Asenath's story! But, judging by the time it took me to write this review, getting through it all will take a while.
~ jessiethought ~
Eeek!!! I only saw my review's actual length just now!
Thank you for your review! I really don't mind the length. The more people review, the easier it will be to edit. I think. And your review was very balanced with humor (my sister looked really weird at me when I randomly laughed out loud) and also helpful criticism. Anymore reviews would be welcomed!!!!!!!!
I will review this later, when I have time, but I'm definitely coming back to read more of Asenath's story.
Can't wait!
Your writing voice is great but you really should work on your use of tense and unnecessary descriptions. YOu also should just come out and name the characters then describe their features in passing. For instance, let me do the first chapter for you.
“Asenath! Slow down!” Anon cried. The wind whipped his raven locks about as he sped down a stone path lined with fruit trees.
And just continue with the same practice from there. Shorten your paragraphs, just name the characters THEN describe them, you really shouldn't describe them at length either.
Hi there
Over all i loved the story. it had wonderful description and was amazingly written. I really like all the italics, it makes the story more appealing. One thing i could suggest though, is maybe add a bit more description. Just to make it more visualizing. I had trouble picturing what Amnon looked like, her mother, the slave and the merchant. they may seem like just little things that you can just forget about,especially the slave and the merchant, but in most cases they are some of the most essential pieces. it helps one build a picture in their mind. The gold statue part was very good, BUT i am having trouble picturing what the house looked like and how she got into the house. i know that may seem silly to say but since shes late she could have snuk in through a window. I really like the story line and i like the setting, you don't see allot of Egyptian set stories now days. If i could make another suggestion, i suggest going back and editing the story to help the reader picture whats in your own mind. Like for example; she saw the sky. that lets the reader know, "oh, hey she's looking at the sky, ok." but what COLOR is the sky, are there clouds, birds. So instead of "she saw the sky." spice it up by saying. "Her eyes focused on the bright blue sky, following the path of one lonely cloud as it swam across the beautiful blue water of the air." like i know thats not in your story and i know you probably know how to put prescription in, just trying to put what will draw the readers attention. Other wise its very very well written
< Sillia >
Thank you Sillia! I have been working on description as I have been writing later chapters. The hardest part is finding the right balance. Too much bogs a book down, while too little gives the reader the problem you had with this chapter. Anyways... thank you so much for the review! I have lots of other chapters up too so I invite you to review them if you are looking for more points or just a good book to read!
Alright i will
Hi Aravis! Your book's adoptive parent has arrived and is ready to review! I'm so happy that I chose this book. I love learning more about Ancient Egypt!
Wonderful!
They embraced... Ra?
..her back, he gave her a comforting smile.
I would add a comma after "room."
And another comma after "up."
You just forgot a little quotation mark at the end here.
Here I get a little confused. They are calling to Ra the sun god, correct? And later- Potipherah; He is Asenath's father, correct? This fact should be mentioned earlier.
Great job. I think that I'm really going to enjoy this book. You've done a very nice job with the writing and the storyline. I love the characters and the time period- it's just excellent! Great job! Keep writing!!! I'll see you again for Chapter Two!
Hi there! I'm new on YWS and thought I'd do a quick review. I really like this piece. It is appealing to the senses And not too hard to follow. The way you worded this, "Her mother’s mouth dropped like a weight", is kind of weird and gave me a different impression than what I think you meant. Try to use word choice that makes the reader really understand what went on at any given moment. I really love how you showed me what kind of character Asenath's mother is with out writing in her perspective. Good job!
OK. So the imagery in the beginning of your story was awesome. I also like the plot. It's realistic and it puts cliche to a whole new setting. However, when describing try not to put long descriptions of people and certain items. It's okay to have some detail when describing setting though. Description is best done in fragments throughout the story than in just one long segment. Also, try to include some more imagery throughout the end of the chapter. Other than that, it is really good. Keep up the good work
Thank you! That helps a lot with description!
Hey, got a review for you. While I get a feel for the characters' motivations, I think getting deeper into their thought processes is important. You only get Asenath's point of view and thoughts, I think, if Amnon and Asenath's mother are to be recurring characters, you should develop them a bit more and get their perspectives. Also, some of your dialogue seems stiff. Try to write dialogue as though you *are* the character. This requires extensive character development, but it's worth it.
I'm trying to write the book mostly from Asenath's perspective. Dialogue isn't always my strong point, but I will work on it! Thanks for the tips!
As thanks for all the reviews you've done on my work, I'll review yours!
First, as a fact check: I'm not sure they had silk in ancient Egypt. Silk is from China, and there wasn't trade between the two countries at that point.
In your opening, I think it would have been better to just use names for the two kids, and then describe them later. Putting the description right in the first sentence drags it down a little.
You did a great job with characterization for the first chapter, which is super cool. I can already tell what goals the characters have, something I have yet to do in my work.
I'll make sure to keep up with this one!
You are totally right about the silk! I remember figuring that out after I wrote this and forgot to change it. Thanks for your comments! With all these reviews, it looks like I have re-write to do!
This was so good. I can only imagine how much investigation you did before writing this. This just took me back to the Egyptian civilization, and I loved it. There were a few things which could have been done better, but this made me cry at the sad parts and laugh at the funny parts because it was so amazing! Well done
Thank you! It did take a while but I am pretty passionate about the story so it didn't seem as long. What could have been done better? I am really interested in learning how to improve my writing!
All of the stuff you could have improved on was stuff the other people already talked about in their reviews. Keep me posted of your new stuff, and check out my stuff if you want
This is a very interesting beginning to a story that could be very good. There are points in the story where I don't know what's going on and it's mostly because I don't know much about Egyptian gods. It would be nice for those like me to get a little explanation about them.
I love your character and how she is very tomboy. I'm glad that you have decided to right about the arrange marriage. There is a point in the story where she yells and I don't understand what makes the girl feel sorry exactly and that slightly confuses me. Other than that I would like to read more.
Thanks for reviewing! I guess that I had a bad assumption that most people knew a little bit about Egyptian gods. But I totally understand what you are saying! I am going to do some editing on it so I will definitely try to include the things you were mentioning!
Thanks for listening.
Hello! Cheetah here to review your chapter!
This was really good! Wow, you started off great and I definitely want to read more. You kept things moving ahead at a perfect pace and I was interested the whole way through.
There was only one thing I would change.
This could be a really good description, but right now it feels rushed. I also think that there's supposed to be a period after the 'flowing', which means you would start a new sentence.
Other than that, this looks really good! I can't wait to read more!
Thank you! I know that sentence is weird. I couldn't find a way to fix it when editing. It was giving me serious problems.
Gotcha! Good luck!