After cleaning off her face and taking a short walk, Asenath reached the bronze gates at the back of the temple.
Her thoughts flew back to years long past. The last time I was here seems like an eternity ago.
But now that she was there, she didn’t know what to do. So she just went up to the gates and peaked through the bars. Inside, aslave watered some bushes.
Pushing thoughts of the horrendous day away from her, she called, “You there! Slave!” He turned, surprised. “Get me a priest!”
Even with a bleached face and puffy eyes, the slave couldn’t resist the commanding beauty of Asenath. He bowed and hurried into the temple.
Asenath was left with herself and her thoughts. Amnon. When was the last time I saw him? Four months ago? Five? He was tall and wise. He will be eighteen in four months. Just to see his olive eyes again!
Soon, a man emerged from the temple. He wore the long mantle of a priest. His face was stern. “Maiden, what do you seek? This is the priest’s entrance.”
“I wish to see my brother, Amnon.”
“Amnon? Hmmm… let me think. Amn…” All of a sudden, a shadow seemed to come over his face.
Asenath looked at him intently and spoke, “You were saying?”
The priest just looked at his feet.
Panic began to creep in on Asenath. “What has happened?!”
“I’m sorry. He… cannot leave the temple.”
“What do you mean?” Asenath cried.”
The priest turned as white as a sheet. “I…I…I’m sorry.” He turned and walked away.
“WAIT! Is he dead?”
The priest did not turn around again, but went in and shut the door.
Asenath grabbed the bars of the gate and shook them. “NO! NO!”
This is all a dream. It can’t be real!
Her mind reeled. She began spewing out curses in the Egyptian language. She would have kept going if the door had not opened. Quickly, she composed herself.
Amnon?
No, it was two burly men in loincloths with spears. Temple guards. They swung open the gate.
“It is time to go,” one said in a deep voice.
Asenath’s eyes widened, but she stood strong. “I am not leaving until they bring out my brother.”
In response, the man picked her up. Though she kicked and fought, the men were too strong. They carried her to her house where they dropped her like a sack.
“I have nothing left,” Asenath whispered to herself.
Yet, something in her thoughts reminded her, You still have your dignity. You still have riches beyond compare in your father’s house.
She took a deep breath and stood up. Without anymore hesitation, she went into her maid servant’s mud hovel.
“Oni!”
A bony, awkward girl scuttled in and fell on her feet. “My lady! What tidings have come for you to grace my humble home?”
“That does not matter. Just help me look presentable..”
Oni got up from the ground. The minute she looked at Asenath’s dirty face, her eyes widened to the size of plums. “My lady! What… what… what hap…?”
“Don’t speak! And stop staring! Your pupils are too large. Get me a fresh tunic and water basin.”
“My lady, you might want to know that…”
“Hush! If you will not be quiet and do as you are told, I will have you beaten!”
Oni nodded and light-footedly left to obey. In a flash, she was back.
Asenath washed her face, applied makeup, oiled her wig, and changed into a fresh tunic and pale blue collar. As she peeled off the dirty clothes she was wearing and slipped into a clean dress, she sighed with relief. It felt like she was stripping off her old life and moving on to something new.
I will see my mother. Together, we will rise above this.
She waved her hand at the frail slave and prepared to leave. But the thin girl grabbed onto her wrist.
“Wait. I must tell you…”
Asenath’s anger flared up, and she flung her hand across the girl’s face. “How dare you touch me!”
The girl let go with tears in her eyes. Another pain stabbed at Asenath, but she pushed it away and left the girl to cry.
My parents will understand. They will…sue the Pharaoh!
She began cooking up plans of revenge in her mind.
But fate would deal another blow.
#*#*#*#*#
While walking to her house, Asenath caught sight of her mother’s litter leaving the courtyard.
“Mother!” Asenath cried, hurrying to the litter.
It never stopped. The curtains were drawn, but Asenath knew her mother was in there. “Wait!” She reached the litter, but the men bearing it kept walking. “Why won’t you stop? Mother?”
Her mother opened the curtains and glared.
“Mother, it’s me. Asenath.”
Her mother sized up the girl and spit right at her. the wet saliva hit Asenath’s bare arm. Asenath stared at it in disbelief. Then, she stared at the litter moving hastily away.
What is going on?
In a fit of desperation, she bounded to her room. There were men everywhere picking up her things and carrying them out. “What are you doing? Someone tell me what is happening!”
None of the men spoke. They only continued their task.
“That is MY chest! Those are MY bracelets!”
One man chuckled as he piled her earrings into a box. She ran over to him and stood before him with her arms folded. “You, speak!”
He took on a dumb expression and kept working. Asenath knew that she was about to lose it.
I cannot cry in front of these men. I must keep any shred of dignity that I have left.
With a huff, she stormed out of the room, out of the house, and back to Oni’s shed.The minute she stepped in she lost it. Her whole body shook as she wept.
Oni watched in amazement. Her hard mistress had never cried before.
Asenath stuttered through her tears. “Tell…tell me what has… has happened.”
Oni fell to her mistress’s side and took her soft hand. “News came that you had not been chosen. Master Potipherah was furious. Mistress Quibilah, your mother, was heartbroken. Potipherah immediately decreed that Seshafi was the new mistress of the house, and Quibilah was to move to a concubine house and you with her. He said that he never wanted to see both of you again. I heard Mistress Quibilah curse your name and vow to never speak to you again. The denial of your marriage has brought great shame.”
Asenath sat sobbing.
How could everything have happened so? No. I won’t let this happen.
“I am the captain of my own destiny,” she whispered.
“What, my lady?”
Asenath yelled it this time. “I am the captain of my own destiny! I won’t let Potipherah or Seshafi rule me!”
Asenath strode back to the house with resolve, ignoring the calls of Oni. Anger flared up in her throat for there was Seshafi in HER house commanding HER slaves. “Seshafi!” she called.
Seshafi looked up from her plans and smiled mischievously. “And, who is this? Oh, I remember. The vision of Egypt,” she said with thick sarcasm. “She is not as beautiful as they all said."
Asenath spoke through her teeth, “Get out.”
Seshafi’s eyebrows lifted and she laughed. “Me? This is MY home now. It would be wise for YOU to get out.”
“No.”
“Really?” Seshafi snapped her finger and a guard appeared. “This intruder refuses to leave. Take care of it.”
The guard bowed low, turned, and pulled out his spear. With prods from his spear, Asenath was driven out.
He gave her a sympathetic look as he closed the gates and said under his breath, “May the gods be in your favor.”
Asenath spit to one side. Death to the gods.
End of chapter
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Timmy here :3
(Well, looky there. Two of me will have reviewed this once I am done. O.0 Normally, I would read and skip over it if I had already reviewed it, but I think I'll make an exception because I am more thorough now than when I had just joined. heehee)
Onto the review.
Talk about a turn of events. I like how you're beginning this book. I like it a lot, and I think it's one of the best few chapters, looking at the plot of this novel alone, I have ever seen. You begin with her all high and mighty, the crown jewel of Egypt - proclaimed that by all around her. And by the fourth chapter, she has been flung down and almost thrown away by all that know her. What a way to keep readers going along. Because now they want to know how she does. Asenath is not a very likeable character, which usually pushes me away from the character because it's harder to relate with characters you don't like. But with this novel, and how you're structuring everything, it just seems as though how she is actually sucks me into the story. Because her journey is already epic, and I can see that it's only going to get better as I go along. :3
So this chapter is full of locations - the temple, her slave's hovel, her house, the outside of her house, walking the courtyard. When dealing with so many places in one chapter alone, you need to almost build up a structure of each place and give it almost like an opening and ending of the scene. Almost like four or five scenes laced into one longer one. So this is what you need to do in order to make these flow better, and help your reader understand what's going on. Work on building the scenes better. Take the slave's hovel for example. I had absolutely no idea where it was, or what it looked like. From how you narrated it, it seemed as though it was right beside the temple - because there was no transition of the scene. She just stood up and went to her slave's hovel... without any explanation as to where it was, how far she had to walk, etc... Work on building up the scenes as you go along, building the picture. Like a map. Work on connecting all the different spots on the map together so we know what route we're following as we go through. :3 Hopefully that makes sense. Sometimes my examples make people go, "Whaaaa?"
With the use of an ellipsis (...), you always need to have a space after the word. Otherwise, you are connecting two words together to become one. Need dat space. So this: I... I... instead of this: I...I...
Work on building up the senses as you go along. I got the visual somewhat of them dropping her (like a sack) into the sand outside her house (<--- I never got the "her house" part until the third read. build, build the scene more), but I didn't get any grittiness, any feeling from it. Do her hands fall onto the sand, the dirt, the rock - whatever? Does the dirt soil her dress, her knees bruised from being dropped? Does she feel humiliated from it all? I am not getting any of that from the majority of this piece, and especially in such a high-emotional time of Asenath, it's very important to employ the senses and use them as much as you can. Make us feel what she feels, both physically and mentally.
Forgot capitalization there. ^.^
So one thing I am having problems with is the relationship between Asenath and Oni. Or, actually, I would say it’s more of how Asenath treats her – and mostly the difference between the first instance of interaction between them and the second. The first time she is yelling and behaving cruel and just like a slave driver would – and not as anyone who has any sympathy or heart towards her lower station, or her as a person. Then, she second time Asenath sees Oni, it seems as though you have completely reversed her feelings… and now she is asking her questions calmly, and allowing her to hold her hand… even though Asenath had screamed at her before to never touch her hand. You shouldn’t take one of the parts out – they have an important impact on the chapter – but you should go and try to make them work with each other. Work with it to ensure that the reader can see the reason (from Asenath) why she is acting so different to Oni now. Just tweak it and see what you can do. ^.^
Each time I read a new chapter of yours, I have a new favorite. Xd This chapter is definitely my favorite of all your previous, and I am a huge fan of your plot. I just love it so much. And your style of writing in this is beginning to really flesh out, and it’s an easy, enjoyable read. And I lurv how you do her character, and her journey.
(Did they really sue people in Ancient Egypt? Seems odd.)
~Darth Timmyjake
I think getting two reviews from the same person is a first for me.
My pacing is off throughout the book so I will definitely fix that! Thanks for the helpful insights!
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
*cough cough* Can I declare war against the parents, please? For one, it's technically the mother's fault that she failed in her plan to become the most powerful woman. She raised her, and nurtured that thought inside, until it took over Asenath. And since her father has banned them both from the house and to the concubine house, she now blames Ansenath. One person that I don't remember is this new women or mistress, Seshafi? Was she mentioned before? I don't quite remember. If she hasn't been, then I think it would be a good idea to introduce her a bit earlier in this novel. It might help us get used to her a little more, and it wouldn't feel like a complete alien has entered this story. Like with the Pharaoh, since he was technically a new character, we didn't feel like he was being shoved in our face or whatever, because references were made of him and the like all throughout. Since she isn't exactly a main character I don't think, then you wouldn't do the exact same thing as you did with him, but one or two references wouldn't be such a bad idea. Just to help us familiarize ourselves with her character.
What I really did like about this chapter was you displayed how well, Ansenath's way of taking the news. She is being moved to the concubine house, her future is basically gone, and her parents want to never see her again. She cried, she screamed, and in the end she's angry. Angry at the gods. And if you ask me, that was a perfect ending to this chapter. Shows her true hopelessness.
*coughs* sorry, if this may sound strange, but olive eyes? Nope nope. When I read that, I got the impression, of two olives being stuck in his head. Uhh, sorry for the sudden image that I got in my head, but it did happen. xD I'd suggest just taking out olive.
Even though the ellipses does represent a pause, like you're trying to show here, I don't think it seems quite right. Maybe use the n-dash instead? It usually helps with showing the stuttering better, and is generally more pleasing to the eye in my opinion. One thing I do like about this part though, is you're showing emotion through stuttering and general emotion throughout your dialogue.
I didn't really like the use of the ellipses here really. But if you do want to use it, then remember the space after an ellipsis is used.
Alright, there are quite a few typos throughout, but I won't clutter up your work with pointing them out. Their pretty obvious, so it won't be a big deal if you go through and edit it when you do the final draft.
Other than not enough description, this was pretty darn good. She has now fallen, and in so little time! I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to draw this out a bit more. Really bring her up and then throw her down, but maybe add in some more chapters before this? I don't know. This seems a bit too quickly paced in my opinion. I just think that she was brought up way too fast, and then thrown down too fast. Not in the sense of how the scenes were written and stuff, but in how much there is actually here. Like one or two chapters more of her being proud and stuff, might be a good idea. Just a thought.
Keep writing! You're doing absolutely amazing!
~Cricket
Woah, big turning point here! This is a huge reversal of the status quo... this chapter definitely upped the ante. (It seems like every one of your chapters grabs me and pulls me further into the story, raising the tension all the time, without becoming exhausting.) I still wholeheartedly agree with every bit of praise I've given before. And I still have little to correct. There are only a few grammar/punctuation mistakes in this chapter.
Space in between "a" and "slave."
Delete one of the periods.
Capitalize "the."
Space between the sentences. Comma between "stepped in" and "she."
Comma between "throat" and "for."
You capitalized "vision" in a previous chapter. Please be consistent and capitalize it here, too.
I think it would make more sense to have a period after "teeth." But I'm not sure.
Comma after gates.
Oooh. Feisty. That is perfect and awesome!
~ jessiethought ~
Just one quick little nitpick:
Here, it sounds as if the slave's face is bleached and puffy-eyed.
Ok, back to the story...
Again, poor Asenath. But this time, it's so much worse! First, she wasn't chosen. Then, she finds that her brother died. Then, her mother spits in her. Then her father disowns her. Oh, it's so sad!!! But Asenath is a strong character. I have a feeling that she will not quiver under all these extreme misfortunes. As she said to Oni, “I am the captain of my own destiny." This foreshadows her expected actions perfectly. Asenath isn't going to let the Pharaoh's decision ruin her life, is she?
I am loving this book so much! I'm telling you- if I saw this book at the library or in a bookstore, I'd definitely check it out. You've been doing an excellent job, my friend! Keep it up!
Sorry this review is so short... I don't really know what else to say!
Wow, your chapter is very well done!
Timmyjake here, giving you a review of some sort!
Your story seems to be from the Ancient Egypt period. You do an excellent job, in my opinion, replaying that time period accurately. Slaves are slaves. They do not touch their masters(mistresses). period.
If you aren't chosen, then you are mud. Something to be thrown out and trodden upon. Very nice.
Also when she isn't chosen and all this is happenening to her, you can tell that she is feeling it. She is feeling it a lot. She expresses her anger and dismay with more than just sobbing. She is angry at everybody, including the gods that "made her" the way she was.
And how her thoughts are italicized? I like that. Almost like quotation marks, really. But its an individual mark just for her thoughts. She thinks a lot and I like knowing what's going on inside the main characters head.
Something the chapter might need is a little more descriptions. How is her slave's home humble? What does the temple look like. The gate that is shut on her.. What is it like?
Beside that, I think the chapter is awesome. When you get your next one, be sure to post it! I'll be watching and waiting for it...
Heya Aravis, Cheetah here to review chapter 5!
This was an interesting one for sure! I like how you handled the aftermath of Asenath not being chosen. The way her family and the public feel about her now is different. I also like the ways you showed emotion. For example, because you say that Oni has never seen Asenath cry shows us that Asenath is VERY upset. Another way you demonstrate this is in the very last sentence.
Of course, if she had said that out loud, she could be killed. Back then if you said that, it wasn't taken lightly. So the fact that she thought it really tells us she is NOT happy. Very nice.
I only saw one small spelling error towards the beginning.
Just a small error, it should be 'a slave' rather than aslave.
I really liked this chapter. It seemed a bit short, but that might just be me. Anyway, well done! I see you have the next chapter already posted so I'll try to review that shortly. Goods luck on your story!
~Cheetah