She sat in an ivory chair with her hands in her lap. A pale white linen tunic with a gold belt
embellished with emeralds fell from her shoulders. As she looked at the shined piece of metal in front of her, a girl she did not know looked back at her. It was herself, but not the real self she knew. Her stylish black wig hung straight down. A gold band with a huge emerald adorned her head. Black makeup outlined her eyes and blue powder dusted her eyelids. Her lips were accented with red. Gold rings jingled on her ears and wrists.
The only thing Asenath remembered from her playful ten year old self were her milky brown eyes. Behind the new mask, flecks of the ten year old that had run down the Nile path just three years before still shone.
But this was the new Asenath, the talk of all Egypt. Her beauty and, in fact, selfishness was spoken about from the tables of Egyptian royals to the slave down the street.
Why do I hate this new me? Everyone else who matters loves me now. Asenath. It sounds like the name of a stranger. No one knows the true me. And I never could show them. No. This is me now. It is too late to go back. I must marry the prince. I want to, I think? No, I need to. Like mother once told me, if you don't strive for power, you will get stepped on.
She stood up majestically and glided to her balcony. The land of Egypt spread out before her. Hers for the taking. At her fingertips. Down the countryside ran the blue ribbon of the Nile. On the horizon rose the sparkling city of Memphis. In the desert to the right, the tombs of the great kings glowed under the early evening sun. Below her lay On, city of temples and gods. All its glory stood as a monument to the god Ra.
Directly under her balcony, a garden party was just beginning. Another party. And they were waiting for her. Asenath.
#*#*#*#*#*#
“You are a vision, Asenath!” cried a young Egyptian as Asenath entered the lotus garden.
Another suitor. Here we go again.
“Ah! Kemnebi, you flatter me,” said Asenath with a bewitching smile.
Kemnebi swooned under her look. “No, not flattering. Speaking the truth. May I walk you to the others?”
Asenath’s eyes flashed. How dare he be so presumptuous!
“I will walk by myself, but… you can follow.” She knew that she had just stabbed him in the heart, but he was not who she wanted.
Why am I so cold now?
She shyly looked back. There he stood with his head down, broken and dejected. A tinge of remorse touched her cold heart, and she quickly extinguished it. No, nothing, not even sympathy could stand in her way. She headed decisively towards the party table.
Music wafted through the air mixed with conversation and laughter. Asenath plastered on a fake smile as she reached the table. Immediately, most of the guests stood up.
Her mother stepped coolly over. “Asenath! We now may start the feast. The great Potipherah, my husband, has asked to sit by you this evening.”
“Of course, honorable mother. It would be my pleasure.”
Her mother led her to the right hand seat by her father. She gracefully took her seat.
Fake, fake, all fake. If it wasn’t for my influence, father would have married me then fulfilled his blood lust on Ra’s altars.
All eyes were turned to her. She drank in their stares. Some were filled with longing, others jealousy, and another surprise.
I wish I could know what they are thinking. Actually, maybe I don’t.
She subconsciously felt her father kiss her hand with his dry lips.
Focus. You have dignity to impress.
“Honorable father! What a delight to see you this evening! You look well. The gods have blessed you!”
“Yes, yes, well, let us begin.” Potipherah stood and raised his hands to the sky. “Ra, the great and powerful! You have created all things. Accept our offerings!” He lifted the platter with the dinner calf and walked to an altar. He set the platter down and offered it to the gods. Also, he waved his hands in a circular motion while he smelled the incense. Turning solemnly to the guests, he spoke, ‘The gods have granted favor! Let the dinner commence!”
The guests lifted their goblets and the musicians began to perform.
“Asenath, what a lovely band in your hair! Just the style,” exclaimed a pudgy woman wearing too much makeup. “Where did you find such a flawless gem?”
“Traders from the south brought it. They were such a dark folk, but intriguing.”
“Yes!” cried the royal treasurer, a sickly man whose cheap wig crinkled a bit when he spoke. “I thought so too! Though a tad untrustworthy. Never trust men from the south, I say.”
“I bought five slaves from there and they all seem quite harmless, though a bit primitive.”
“I heard,” sneered a cruel looking man at the end of the table, “a story about those
traders.”
If anyone is untrustworthy, it is this man.
Asenath looked the man up and down. His hair was cropped short and his eyes stared deep and looked as if he had seen dark things in his life-time. Even his sneer at the word “traders” revealed something sinister.
I do have to appeal to everyone to find more power.
“Speak on”
“In Thebes, these same men sold a famous lady, like you, nine slaves. These weren’t just slaves; they were accomplished thieves and in a league with the traders. For the next year, they stole valuable items and hid them far down in a well. Soon, the traders came back, retrieved the stolen valuables, and killed all nine slaves with cold steel. That night they made their escape... but not before they murdered the lady!" He sat back, done with his tale.
Every one stared at him, even the dancers and musicians had stopped. Everything was dead silent.
Potipherah coughed. “Well, that was…quite a tale.” His eyes darted to and fro looking for something else to talk about. “The, um, tomb of the Pharaoh seems to be, um… progressing.”
The spell was broken and the party started on again.
“Those new machines work well, I do say!” started another man.
Not the tombs again! That is all anyone can talk about!
Her mind began to wander as the conversation continued to agriculture, camels, boats, and other equally boring things.
Diagonal from her at the table sat Fenuku. Asenath knew him from other parties, and they had grown moderately close. He looked interested in whatever her father was talking about. She looked deep into his eyes and saw strength and courage. True sincerity was her favorite characteristic of Fenuku. The moonlight reflected off his skin. An unexplainable emotion welled up in her throat.
He is the most handsome man in the world. No! Well, he is. But I don’t have to worry. We are just friends. But then again…
Right then, Fenuku looked right at her. She shyly blushed. He smiled his perfect genuine smile. Asenath dropped her eyes to look at her barely eaten pork.
What eyes! I wonder if…
“What do you think, Asenath?” the pudgy woman asked.
Uh oh.
“Well, I think, I think… oh my, I feel quite faint all of a sudden! Excuse me!” Asenath weakly stood up and walked past the table, behind bushes, through a gate and into a small fountain garden.
I got out of that one.
She kicked off her sandals and sat down by the pool in the center of the garden. Her feet slipped into the cool, refreshing water.
But suddenly, she heard footsteps coming towards her.
Great.
She darted to a couch where she casually reclined.
“Ah, my lady.” The intruder came in and bowed.
As he stood up, Asenath saw the dark face of Fenuku. She sighed inwardly.
“What are you doing here?” she asked in her fake, airy voice.
“The conversation got much too boring when you left. Your father asked me to find you.”
“Did he? And when he did, did he look like a floundering fish?”
He smiled that perfect smile and leaned toward her ear. “Yes Very much like one.”
I really do like him.
“But I actually had something to ask you,” he continued.
“Really? What would a man like you have to ask a goddess like me?”
Why did you say that?
He reached down and swirled the smooth black hair she was wearing. Then, as quiet as the breeze, he whispered, “Will you be my wife, goddess?”
At that moment, the world seemed to freeze for Asenath.
Be his wife! How dare he? Yet, he is so handsome. And genuine. What about Pharaoh? Ahh, I will test him. I don’t want him unless he will serve me. Yes! No. Who am I? Asenath, the adventurous girl? No, I am Asenath, the gem of Egypt.
She snapped back to reality and then smiled enticingly at Fenuku. “Beg,” she commanded.
“What?”
“I said, beg!”
He stared into her eyes, confused. She returned it with an unfeeling stare.
But inside she screamed, Just beg Fenuku! I love you.
His look suddenly became stern. Abruptly, he stood up and began to leave.
“What are you doing?” Asenath cried angrily.
With a clear voice, he announced, “I thought you were different.” The he walked away. Out of her life. Never to be seen again. Asenath was stunned.
That was not supposed to happen!
For a moment, she was paralyzed. Then she ran, ran, ran, like a little girl to her room. Once she got there, she could not hold it any longer.
“Out! Out!” she cried to all the servants. They gave her blank stares. “NOW!” she screamed. In a flash, she was left alone.
Suddenly, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. “No!” she yelled then threw the mirror against the ground. Next, she picked up a pot on her dresser and hurled it against the wall. But, in the act, she realized it was a pot that her brother had made for her.
As the pieces fell to the ground, Asenath flung herself onto her bed and wept.
I loved him!
After an hour of crying, she got up, fixed her hair in the broken shards of the mirror, and then made a fateful decision.
I will never love again, unless it is the Pharaoh. Never. I am Asenath, and I will be queen.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Asenath:Tears on the Sand Chapter 3Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,556 Literary Works • 673,434 Reviews
Timmy here
Because of the great reviews you have received already, this will be a short review. Not much to say after all those great people came before me. But let's see what I can do. ^.^
Hmm, so this chapter is five years+ after the first chapter. I never realized that until I read it over for the second time. >.< Perhaps it's just me, but if you inserted a little thingymajigur on the top of the piece - five years later... - it may help with understanding the proper timing. I was about to give you a long review on the importance of easing a reader into a new character, and no suddenly snapping your character to a new person. But five years or so have gone by (my assumptions), and so there would be so much room in those years for that change.
I almost think that, even though I usually hate prologues, the first chapter could have possibly been one. Set back far in time, pretty much a different person with the same name. Perhaps it could have been one, but I would look into it and make sure. Whatever the case, I do appreciate the fact that we got a tidbit of her previous life before this (although you could have skipped it being in the beginning, and began it right here - with a bang. and then inserted her ten year-old self later).
One thing I find annoying in many parts, to be frank, is your over usage of internal thought. Yeah, this could be one of those things which is just author's prerogative, and some people may like how much you use it. But it seems to take away from the weight of the piece, and the actual flesh of it. Because internal dialogue is, well, dialogue. And it makes the entire piece seem as though it's one big jumble of endless chatter. Someone is always talking somewhere, somehow - either from her internal dialogue stuff, or with someone else. Don't forget that there are more than one ways of showing readers your characters' emotions. You can use action to show it (which is always fun), you can use other characters, and most of all, you can use just narrator comments. This is third person, yes? That is what you're writing it in? Almost half of this seems like first person since she is talking to the reader so much. I would suggest taking at least half of the internal dialogue and converting it from this--
to this:
--which basically only means changing two things, for the most part. Making it past tense instead of present, and then changing it to third person. Everything else just flows along with it. I think that would help tremendously with edits, and make this piece a lot more readable and more... well, professional. c:
Yeah, I am going to talk description again. This is telling us that it's "cool and refreshing", which is great and all, but you do so well bringing the emotion close to us, I know you can do the same for the water. Allow us to feel the water ourselves. It's cool and refreshing, eh? Prove it to us! I know you can.
So all of these instances are within a sentence of each other, and they're all adverbs... which should be used more rarely. Compare them to a very special pair of shoes or some fancy piece of clothing you wear for the affect they give. They're somewhat gaudy and odd-looking, but people love them when you wear them occasionally. But if you wear them too often, they start to become annoying and old - losing their boom! affect and becoming "meh". Adverbs are like those gaudy clothes you like to wear occasionally. Use them rarely, and use them with a purpose. And most of the time, they're almost like an excuse to not actually describe the feeling/action. He stood abruptly? That is telling us. Show us how he stood abruptly. If he was sitting in a chair, then the chair could have been flung back, or could have toppled over, etc... (not saying he was sitting in one. just examples). And you can gather what I mean on the others, too. I had a mentor friend once tell me that some editors/publishers say to never have "suddenly" in your writing, as well.
I think I can honestly say that I don't like Asenath anymore? xD Sorry, but there it is. And I think that is what you wanted to make your reader think. You don't want them to like Asenath. Who would? She is uncaring, only thinks of herself, and is a meanie to everyone. Plus, she is a snot. So I think you're coming across beauuutifully with that, since it seems to be what you're going for. I like this change, as long as there is a good character development for her coming our way. Then I'll be satisfied. And since this is you writing the story, I can be sure there will be. {:
Aravis10, hello again! I think you may remember me from my last review on your chapter 1, so no need to introduce myself. Let's get started with this review!
As I said in the last chapter, you do a lot of telling, not showing. You could show us that Asenath has all that jewelry, or show us what she's wearing, instead of telling us straight out. And why do you have an extra enter after "belt"?
"She sat in an ivory chair with her hands in her lap. A pale white linen tunic with a gold belt
embellished with emeralds fell from her shoulders. As she looked at the shined piece of metal in front of her, a girl she did not know looked back at her. It was herself, but not the real self she knew. Her stylish black wig hung straight down. A gold band with a huge emerald adorned her head. Black makeup outlined her eyes and blue powder dusted her eyelids. Her lips were accented with red. Gold rings jingled on her ears and wrists."
Again, no space after the ellipsis. But if it's your usual way of writing them, you don't have to fix this. Also, Asenath seems to be having mood swings and conversations with herself. It seems a little too changed from the previous little happy Asenath.
"I will walk by myself, but… you can follow."
A little later, you show Asenath talking with her father. She speaks all formal talking about how the gods have blessed her father, and he talks back like a modern-day weary father coming home from work.
"Yes, yes, well, let us begin."
Aravis, you seem to have put an apostrophe in front of "The", not a quotation mark.
"‘The gods have granted favor!"
The ending broke my heart. Why is Asenath so cruel? Why can't she look before she leaps? I think this is intriguing. Keep writing, Aravis10!
-wisegirl22
She has changed a lot from the girl in the last chapter. What you said about that portion of dialogue makes sense. I will change it when I get to editing after I post all my chapters. Thank you for your reviews!!! They are so helpful! I would love it if you could review more of them when you have the time!
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
OUCH. Just OUCH. Whenever I thought of Asenath she was this sweet brown eyed girl who was just a regular darling to everyone. But this girl... she seems very fake, and just downright a big meanie. Which I think you kinda meant to do. But at the same time I knew that, it wasn't really her. That she was acting that way, because of the ambition that her mother had seeded in her. At least that was my general impression of her. I'm thinking her heart is going to be turning super cold right now, but later on she'll start to warm up again.
What I really didn't like about this though, was that it was rather rushed. She gazed out of the balcony for a while, and then she went to that dinner party, and then she got the proposal of marriage. All in one chapter. This could be really split up into two chapters, and maybe even three? It's up to you, but it should be at least two chapters. At least. Too much will bore the reader, while too little won't raise the tension enough. So really what you think will be best for this.
The last line I thought was a super cliffhanger though. It made me curious to see what's going to be going on in the later chapters, with her marriage and new found attitude. Which this attitude of hers is really making me curious about her personality.
I'd suggest making a mention of her eyes or allude to them a little bit, in this line. I mean, you already said that the only thing that reminded her of her ten year old self in the last line, but flecks of the ten year old seems rather confusing if you read the line by itself. So a quick edit should fix it though.
This is some dialogue that seems a trifle forced. I mean, the content seems logical but the way it was put and worded just didn't seem quite right. Maybe you could drag it out a bit in the final draft?
Either you missed out on a period here, or a comma. Whichever way you want it worded really. Maybe go, and make them one sentence. So uncaps "very" and place a comma after "yes".
I'd like to see some description of her eyes right here. And the rest of her face really. What is her reaction to this man touching her?
Well, a good way to tell us that they all left her, but a bit forced in my opinion. Maybe describe that they left the room, a bit more, and it might not be that way. xD
Well the emotion and drama in this was extremely stimulating and I'm now curious to see how she's going to act later on. Now that she has ran off the man that she loves, she now has really only one thing to live for. And you told us what that was. She's just determined to be the Queen of Egypt, and gauging off of her personality she is perfectly capable of it. But somehow I'm not sure she's going to be. But I'm not sure. I guess I'll have to find out!
Overall, I would have preferred it to be slowed down just a bit and description added a bit more. Your character development though, is amazing. She has changed from this sweet innocent girl, to a woman who wants to rule the world. xD Or part of it. Egypt is a pretty big place still, so it counts sorta.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Yes, everyone has said that this chapter is rushed. I will try to expand this and maybe talk more about Fenuku's involvement in her childhood. I can't wait to get the rest of your reviews! Oh, congrats on being featured!!!
haha, thanks! Came as a big surprise!
Hello! I am back to review your second chapter (I'm trying to work my way through your novel to be of the most help to you. But it might take a while.)
First of all, I really like how this chapter raises the tension and the stakes of Asenath's quest to marry the Pharaoh even more. The conflict and suspense in this chapter is awesome. I must commend you again for deftly interspersing the action with Asenath's very real emotion. Excellent job! I only have a few small quibbles.
The first thing that throws me off a little is the pacing... this chapter is very fast paced, which is not a bad thing. In fact, the fast pace is good, except Asenath's love for Fenuku seems a little too sudden for me. Maybe you could set them up a little more? ...I don't know... I'd just like to hear a little more about Fenuku before he leaves.
Missing a bit of punctuation here, that's all.
When the man tells his story about the traders and the slaves thieving from and murdering the great lady, I feel that the story could use a little more... hype. By that I mean that I think the cruel-looking man should tell his tale more grandly and intricately, with more fanfare. His story seems a little short for everyone to have noticed he was talking and have heard him.
The same verb is used twice in two sentences. Maybe find a synonym for the first? Say the party "began," or something like that?
Wow! Great moment here. Such an excellent depiction of her inner turmoil, and also the person she has become. If she is silently screaming at Fenuku, there should be a comma after "just beg," since her thoughts are direct address.
*Then
I absolutely love your characterization of Asenath throughout this whole chapter. It's superb. You've done awesome work, showing the person Asenath has become--her pride, her anger, the mask she puts on, her coldness, and blindness, but also the vulnerability that is hidden deep in her heart.
Editing may be the more difficult part of writing the novel for you, but I encourage you not to get discouraged. This is really good, and editing for the things we point out will definitely make this really, really good. Keep at it, Aravis!
~ jessiethought ~
You are right. That was a little fast paced. I will try to do something about that as I go into editing soon. Thank you for your review and encouraging words!
Try adding a comma after "pale."
I love this!
I know that it's weird, but when you want to emphasize a word in an italicized phrase, just UN-italicize the word. Bolding is informal.
Instead of inserting a comma here, the best thing to do would be to split this into two sentences.
I don't completely know why, but at this intense part of the story, "next" just doesn't cut it. A simple "then would be better.
Wow! This chapter was really, really good!!! I am very excited to continue reading! You did an excellent job, and I applaud you. I can see that you know a lot about Ancient Egypt. The names, lifestyle, setting, everything seems so authentic! And you write very well. Great job! Keep writing!
Thank you so much! Even though you are on the enemy team....
wow! you really have knocked out the reviews today!
Haha, yeah! It's been fun! You're a wonderful writer!
Asenath...
She was given by the Pharaoh to Prime Minister Joseph as wife. So far, your story is keeping with the historical account. She was Potipherah's daughter, and he was a priest of Ra. I wonder, do you intend to keep with historical cannon?
I enjoyed the dialogue in this piece, and the apparent conflict between her internal thoughts and the external exchanges she has. You hinted that something brought about this change in character, but can you give us the reader something more? A reason for us to accept her duality. 'For the prince,' but why is that so important? And what sort of power does a teenage daughter of a priest really have to hold on to?
I am looking forward to reading more about Asenath.
Thank you
Shhhhh! Don't give the plot away!
i'm kidding. she is a historical character so it is easy to find information on her. Thank for your comments!
Hello, Cheetah again to review this next chapter!
This was so intense! I liked it a lot. The way you portray the emotion is amazing. I could feel her frustration on no being who she wanted herself to be, how she felt about having to marry the Pharaoh. I also enjoyed your dialogue and knowing what Asenath was thinking. Sometimes, that sort of thing is hard to do, but you managed to do it seemingly effortlessly.
There were only a few quick errors.
This was really small, you just forgot to put a space between the 'it' and 'Not'. Also, I think you accidently made a new paragraph after the word 'nothing'.
Again, you just forgot to add a space. This time between the 'is' and the 'untrustworthy'.
That's it! I especially loved the end. Keep writing!
Thanks! Sometimes I miss those little things.
Me too.
I like where you went with this one. It was totally different from what I'd predicted.
So first, there are a few grammatical issues. And I noticed several spots where you start a new paragraph, but probably didn't mean to.
There are some spots where you had funky word order with your adverbs, so I'd read those aloud to fix them. Also, for "But, in the act," I would take out the comma between but and in.
It would have been nice to better describe the people at the party. I couldn't really get a feel for anyone other than Asenath, though you did a great job with her.
Your details focus mostly on sight, so if there were any others senses to describe, try throwing some of those in too.
All in all though, I had to think pretty hard to review this. Keep up the good work!
Thanks! I will try to do those things in the next chapters!
And fix some of it in this one!