Ten men bowed before the Vision of Egypt. She lounged on a couch, propped up by lavish pillows.
Asenath looked a bit different from two years before. She had grown tall and irresistible. Yet, she was no more torn on who she was. She was Asenath, the Vision of Egypt, the girl who made all men swoon.
In her portico, men from all over the world came to bring her gifts in attempts to win her favor. They wanted her to marry their prince.
Asenath spoke to the first slave, who had European features. “You, speak!”
“Oh my lady, from across the Great Sea, I bring you a gift from my noble ruler Clovingian. He wishes for your hand in marriage.”
“And what does he bring me to convince me of this marriage?”
The man opened a chest that he held. “Bolts of rare and fine cotton from our country.”
“Hmmm, well, set the chest by my sofa. I will think about your proposition. Now, go.”
The slave bowed and backed out.
Of course, Asenath did not intend to marry any of these princes, but their gifts made her quite wealthy.
Next, a dark man stepped up. Asenath noticed his gold earrings and red plumage.
He bowed low and held out his hands. “Goddess,” he said quietly.
Suddenly, a pain shot up Asenath’s spine. He sounded just like Fenuku.
Asenath, no. Think of the Pharaoh.
Closing her eyes, she pictured a tall, strong man with defined features wearing the red and white crown of Egypt. And her beside him.
She felt a cool touch of a slave on her arm snapping her back to reality. The African still bowed in front of her.
He was supposed to just go away.
“Speak, oh bold man. To speak my real identity took courage.” Then speaking in the familiar proverb, she said, “A backbone is more attractive than a flattering mouth.”
He answered in a foreign accent, “My name is Bamakan. I am prince of the tribe Lusanakoo. I do not need a princess of Egypt. I have many other desirable women in my tribe. Yet, you are proud and beautiful. The priests of my tribe foretold that I would marry a goddess. But, the gods do not often come to earth. After years of searching, I have found you.You are the goddess of the River Nile. It is my fate. Be my wife and come to the Dark Lands. My people will worship you. Our river is dry. Bring the power of the Nile with you. I bring gifts.
He thinks that I am a real goddess. What would it be like to be worshipped by all?
“Bring your gifts before me.”
Bamakan finally stood up and whistled. “Our people have sent their most prized possessions – the firstborn children.”
To Asenath’s inner horror, in walked a long line of children chained together in groups of twenty. Ten lines filed in and stood in rows.
“These are the strongest of the young Lusanakoons.”
He barked a word in an ancient tongue. Like a wave, the mass of children fell to their knees and deep, guttural chanted words. The sounds made Asenath shiver.
Bamakan flashed a bright smile. “They said, ‘Praise to the goddess. May her beauty never die’.”
As this happened, Asenath held a cold stare, but in her heart, she was crying. When she looked into the eyes of the children, some as young as three, she saw fear and confusion.
Families, hundreds of families, gave their children to be slaves so they could find a goddess. I should send them away. Tell them I am not a goddess! Yet, something in her heart also whispered words of pride and vanity. The Pharaoh might think me weak, too easily swayed by emotion.
All of a sudden, she ranted, “I never have heard something so impudent! Marry a goddess, hmm? A mortal man from an unknown tribe to marry the Queen of the Nile! I should send fire down to engulf your whole tribe! But, I will keep the offering to stop my full wrath. Tell your people.”
Bamakan’s eyes were wide and full of fear. He slowly turned to face the children and uttered a string of words, each one like the quick release of an arrow. Slight fear became terror. Many children began to wail in torment. Others sat with stony faces.
Asenath’s face burned red. She was angry, angry at herself, angry at this prince, angry at the incessant screaming. “STOP!” Asenath roared.
The room became deathly quiet except for a few stray cries which were quickly silenced.
Asenath turned to Bamakan. “Get out,” she seethed. He ran out without a second glance.
She couldn’t take it anymore. She stormed out of the portico. Her head slave stopped her as she stiffly walked to her room.
“What am I to do with all those children?” He was pale, obviously shaken up
“I don’t care. Sell them, set them to work whatever, but get them out of my house!”
End of chapter
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140,556 Literary Works • 673,434 Reviews
Timmy here
This is a short chapter, so I will stick around for not quite as much time... or until I run out of things to say. Your chapters are pretty near perfect to begin with, so there isn't much to say except in praise and comments, anyway. xD Let's get started.
This is just me being overly-skeptical, but this is something that I wondered as I read through your chapter. With Asenath and everything and their time period... would they really be referring to all these people and their countries as "European", "African", and the like? With the world not as developed, would they refer to the countries and origins as such? I wonder if they had different names for continents back then, or even if they bothered, seeing as though no one had made it round the world yet - and not many explorers like Magellan and Columbus around yet. I am just curious, that's all. Just putting up a hesitant flag, in case you didn't research that specific thing.
I am still not seeing as much description as this book needs, and mostly it's because we can't even fabricate our own image of this very well. You're calling something a portico. Well, if you said it was a 21st century bedroom, we can get the picture. We all have one of those. But portico is a word that leaves me completely blank. So you need to work with the description there. And work on showing more. Not just where you have telling that needs to be converted over to shown. But in many places, you don't describe at all. It's almost like you have a deadline for words, and can't bother with it. Don't be afraid to even over-describe. Because you can always cut superfluous stuff that overdo a description, but if your reader can't see the scene, then there are issues.
This made me curious. Did his voice sound just like Fenuku, or was it merely his words? You didn't really say, but was quite vague about it. Explain more? :3
Not good enough. An ox has defined features. Since you say that the slave had to "snap her back to reality", you have a few moments to spare here. Use it to your advantage, and bring her dream husband to life. In short, describe him and his wonderful personality according to this dream of Asenath.
OH MY. Let's put this in perspective. Groups of Twenty. Ten groups. Are you telling me that there are two hundred children in her portico thingy? O.0 Here is where a description of the portico and how big it was, etc... would have been so helpful. Because I find myself doubting that her room could hold so many people.
So this is a good novel. Really, I love it. Your story is a fun one to read, and I love these old stories of Egypt. Especially when they are told in the way you do, bringing the characters close to us instead of the Bible stories which always seem so far away from me (probably just how they wrote back then, looking at the big picture. There was a lot to tell!). But I sense quite a few places where you need to work on being realistic. And in many places, they could only seem unrealistic because you're not explaining things enough as you go along. But however you work these things out - whether by explaining the scene around them better or tweaking the actual part - just remember that a great piece can be brought low by being unrealistic. This wasn't brought low, and I love it, and I love your writing, and I love the story. But the issues need to be fixed in your edits.
I am hoping I see more third-person thought in this as we go along, because I love that. :3 And, even though it may seem more "connected" to the character, first person thought is only amazing for a while, and works better spread throughout the piece.
Onto the next chapter. Sorry for harshness. It happens only occasionally.
~Darth Timmyjake
Don't worry about harshness. I know this has a lot of flaws to work out. Part of me kinda just wants to move on to a whole new novel but the other part sees the potential this one has if I'll stick to doing a second draft.... Anyway, thank you for your very helpful advice! I loved how you said, " Don't be afraid to even over-describe. Because you can always cut superfluous stuff that overdo a description..." I've never thought about it that way before.
NO, never move on until your piece is perfect! This has amazing potential, and if you ever get super discouraged and want to quit, bug me on chat. I can show you my first drafts of LOTS (different novel) to show you just how first drafts look so alike. xD
Since you're more disconnected from the piece than you were right after you wrote this, I won't worry about harshness... as much. I still like to be somewhat delicate, since I know it can be tough having reviewers be just blunt and frank with you.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Seeing as this is a short chapter this will most likely be a shorter review. xD Hope you don't mind! This is just too amazing.
Well firstly what I liked, was the extensive amount of portraying what she turned into. I mean, she was cold in the last chapter, but this time... she was cruel. Not cruel in her actions, but cruel in her heart. She had no feeling, and zero emotions to think of. What Jessie said earlier, summed up what I was thinking. I'm sad for her. I can't possibly hate her, as I know what she was like and I learned how she had fallen to become this monster, but still... she could be a strangely dis likable character if I or anybody else didn't know better.
The slave part was particularly cool, as for one: We got to see part of the culture that is thankfully not still alive in Egypt today. (At least I believe it to be so. Correct me if I'm wrong) And two: We see for real, just how cruel she is. Telling her slave to just sell them in such an offhand way, was what really made my blood boil. I mean, I would think any decent women would instantly think about the three year old child that she had just looked at, before even suggesting selling them. Asenath is just faaaallinnggg, and I don't think she's going to profit from this. Being too power hungry doesn't usually pay off. Not in the long run at least. You did well on showing us how far she's gone, and in only three chapters too!
I would have preferred just a bit more description than what you have here. Just a little bit. Maybe a line or two, but just something to spice it up. I mean, we know she's beautiful and all that from previous chapters and just from the way you describe her throughout, but try and do a bit of description, to keep the memory fresh in our mind.
Hehe, forgive me if this is stupidly obvious, but what country is he from again? They never clarified... and there's a lot of countries across the sea anyway. Was there no clarification on purpose?
Just something to edit in the final draft. There's a space missing between these two sentences!
In a couple of places you are missing some pronunciation on your dialogue, but those can be easily fixed with a quick read through and edit.
What I'm really concerned about, is this setting. Now, I know that you have improved in your later chapters for setting up everything, but I thought I'd share my thoughts of what I pictured the room to look like.
I pictured three almost stained glass windows, with sunlight filtering through to show a women lying on a couch, facing the door. There was some sort of tree in the corner, and a mirror hanging next to it. The door was facing the women.
What I'm trying to say is this. I messed up the setting. BIG TIME. I mean, we all know that Egyptians don't have stained glass windows! And I kinda doubt the mirror part. At least ones hanging on the walls, but I'm not sure about that. I have never studied their culture in eminent detail, like I'm sure you have. What I'm trying to get at is here, is that I think you could do some quick editing through when you do the draft, and just try and focus on description. Or readers like me, will go wild and paint a totally unrealistic picture. xD
Overall, I enjoyed this chapter, for mainly how we saw Asenath. Instead of the adorable girl in the first chapter, she's this powerful, lust for power kind of gal, that has enough beauty to really get what she wants. And she's working her way up there, that's for sure. But again, I still just don't think she's going to succeed. Not because I've read two of the other chapters that were later on, but because I don't think she can really do it. Do it, as in she's gonna flop in something. Or somebody gonna find out something about her. I just have a feeling about it. It's super obvious from her way of acting that she has only one intention. To be QUEEN.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Woah! That's what you imagined! Crazy how different minds work!
Yet again, great job. This is a short chapter, but I don't mind that at all. We really, really see how cold and proud Asenath has become in this chapter, don't we? Whew. It's a sad chapter, too, seeing the person Asenath has become. I noticed in this chapter how good the story is so far: even though Asenath has been acting horribly, I already love her as a character, so I don't hate her for being that way. Instead, I'm sad. Excellent!!! I have pretty much no nitpicks to point out.
A quotation mark is missing at the end of Bamakan's speech.
And that is all I have! I'm definitely going to keep reading and reviewing your novel.
~ jessiethought ~
Thank you Jessie!
For this review, I am going to skip over the tiny nitpicks. Yours are so minor and of such unimportance that I am just going to talk to you about your chapter and make other suggestions. Let me know which style of review you like better. As a writer, I prefer these types of reviews, although it's always helpful to have someone point out the mistakes.
I loved your first paragraph. The way that you've used a name that everyone calls her is perfect.
I just had to say- at first I thought this said "blacked out." xD
"The red and white crown-" From what I remember, this represents both north and south Egypt, correct? I recall making a crown like this for a King Menes project.
Ok, I finished reading. Oh, those poor children! But I must say, this chapter is wonderful. I can see this book in the best selling section of a bookstore! This historical topic about a princess of Egypt is so intriguing and interesting. Where did you learn all this information? Research? In any case, you've done a splendid job! So- is it true that Asenath can marry as many men as she wants? Or will it only be the Pharaoh...? That is the only question I have, but it seems like the former is true. Otherwise, why would all these men be coming to ask her for marriage? I hope those poor children will be taken care of!!!
Excellent job!!!
I like both types, but I like this type a little more. You are too kind. *blushes* I would love to be a best selling author but my biggest dream is to start my own school.
Really? That would be so cool!!
Writing can be your hobby, then!
Oh my, those poor children...
Anyways, there wasn't much that happened in this one. I have a feeling you're setting everything up and we'll see all the pieces connect eventually, but it needs a little foreshadowing.
Just as always, Asenath is really alive! I love how realistic she is.
I think the chapter could have used a little more detail, not on the people but to set the stage. (Of course, I shouldn't be saying anything because my work has virtually no sensory detail...)
You do a great job with your word choice and sentence structure. I never feel like it's too repetitive or that it's hard to understand.
Keep it up!
Thank you! Yes, I am trying to set things up. I didn't want to go over board on this because it isn't a totally major but I'm not sure if it was exactly what I had hoped it would be. You are right, it does need more detail. I definitely need to work on my descriptive abilities. What do you exactly mean by foreshadowing? I feel like I should know....... but I don't.
Well, foreshadowing is like hinting vaguely at future events. Even the mentioning of a name or event can foreshadow something if used correctly. Like if you're writing a version of Cinderella, mentioning the ball will be a kind of foreshadowing. It can cause suspense, or hint at new characters, or anything you want to hint at, really.
In fact, depending on what will happen next, the recollection of Fenuku could be considered foreshadowing. (I don't know if this helped...)
Hi, Cheetah again to review chapter three!
This was good. To be honest, I liked the first two chapters better, but that's just my opinion. I liked the ones before for their depth, action, and excitement. Also, they were a little longer than this one. I'm not trying to be harsh, really, I'm not, but I think if maybe you lengthened this one up a bit, it would keep your readers interested.
What I liked:
This was the best part, I think. It shows just how much she has to go through, just to impress the Pharaoh. I felt sympathetic for her, sad because she had to do this.
Good job! Keep writing!
I know the other chapters were better but I felt that I needed this chapter for later on. Thanks for reviewing! And on't worry. Yoku didn't sound harsh at all.