For a while, the mysterious man was all Asenath could think about, but that did not last long. Her mind soon remembered a promise that she had made to herself.
I will never love again. How could I have forgotten? Love only brings pain and heartache. I will forget that man.
Over the next eight years, that is practically what happened. Asenath pushed him to the back of her mind and focused on her paintings. The scenes she painted covered the inside walls and the outside and inside of her tiny house. Reluctantly, she had also begun on the outside walls.
Though Oni stayed her faithful servant, Asenath pulled far into herself and hardly spoke to the girl. Oni was sure that things would go on like this for the rest of her life, but she was wrong.
The day started as any other. Asenath was painting on the outer walls, lost in thought. A faint sound brought her back to reality.
What is that?
It was the sound of a galloping horse coming closer and closer.
The handsome slave! No. I hate him. He brought pain just by looking at me. What will I say when he comes?
She turned ready to say something rude… it wasn’t him.
The man gave her a stern look. “Is this the house of Asenath, daughter of Potipherah, priest of On?”
“Yes.”
What does he want with me?
“Bring her out then”
“I am Asenath.”
“You?” The man looked surprised and disgusted.
Asenath felt her silky hair that fell past her waist. In Egypt, people who did not wear wigs were considered dirty and poor.
“Well, then, I have a message for you. This is the message ‘Asenath, daughter of Potipherah, priest of On, is to come to the palace of Pharaoh Senusret II in her best attire tomorrow at the hour of the evening meal and setting of the sun.’” When the messenger said “best attire”, he gave her a mocking stare.
She blushed as she looked at her tunic, covered with dirt and paint splotches.
“Don’t be late,” he commanded. Without another word, he rode off.
Asenath was shocked.
What does this mean?
Oni came up and touched Asenath’s arm. “What was that about, my lady?”
“I have been summoned to Pharaoh’s court tomorrow for the evening meal.”
Oni’s eyes brightened, and she dropped her hands. “The Pharaoh! What an honor!”
Pharaoh Senusret. Sounds strange.
“Yes, well, take the red bag from the wall with the money in it and go buy me an outfit from the market or my favorite tailor. Don’t worry about the expense. There is enough in the bag for a magnificent outfit.”
“Yes, my lady.” Oni skipped off to do her duties.
Asenath sunk onto the ground in a daze.
Is the nightmare back?
#*#*#*#*#*#
That night, Asenath lay in bed, wide awake. Her thoughts flew a million miles an hour.
What awaits me at the palace? Should I even go? Does the Pharaoh remember me? Does he remember how he wrecked my life? Of course not. He is too busy running the country. Why does he want me? Of course! How could I have not known at first? He wants to make me one of his lesser wives! I will not stoop to second best! If he would not have me first, he will not have me at all. I will tell him that I have pledged myself as a virgin for Ra. Even the Pharaoh cannot take something that belongs to the king of the gods. I will make him regret not choosing me. Yes, I will go and go looking irresistible. Though he begs and pleads and desires, he will not have the Vision of Egypt!
- - - - - -
Oni grabbed the cold knife. Her lady, Asenath, sat in front of her mirror with her eyes clenched shut. “Now is the perfect time,” Oni thought to herself. “Just get it over with.” Oni slowly approached her mistress. She put the knife to Asenath’s neck behind her long tresses of hair.
Suddenly, Asenath’s eyes popped open. “Oni, don’t do it!”
Oni’s arm tensed. “Mistress! I have to cut your hair! You can’t go to the Pharaoh without a wig! What would he think? It’s just… just… wouldn’t be proper!”
“I know but…” Asenath looked at her long hair. It had a type of beauty that was not seen in Egypt. “It has grown on me.”
Oni laughed. “Grown! It has grown to be as long as a wild horse’s hair.”
“Um,… just trim at the bottom, then… pin it up under the wig. You can do that, right?"
Oni sighed. “I suppose that I could try. It would be so much easier to cut it.”
“No. Now I have made up my mind. The hair stays.”
#*#*#*#*#
The golden sun was beginning to fall under the lush green horizon. Asenath stood waiting behind a curtain. In the other room, she could hear quiet murmuring and lively music. It was to be dinner with Pharaoh in his private dining chamber.
Asenath looked at herself once more in the mirror. She wore a low cut white tunic that accentuated her features. It was tied at the waist with a white sash. A thin, pale purple scarf was attached to the back of her dress and two gold bracelets she wore on each wrist. When she lifted her arms, it looked like she had wings. A collar of rubies and ivory graced her neck. Her wig was black with beads and a beaded band sat on top. Lined with Egyptian makeup, her eyes were intoxicating.
Not even the strongest man could possibly not a thirst for a drop of Asenath. But no one can have me. Let them feel the anguish of crushed dreams.
A servant popped in “My lady?”
“Yes.”
“They are ready for you.”
She nodded and strode confidently into the room.
End of chapter
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Timmy heeeere
Let's think about this for a moment. Eight years have passed. And, from what I gather, Asenath hasn't left her little hovel on the back corner of her dad's property. She just stays there. Sounds wonderful. Except there are a few things which seem out of place. Primarily her confidence in talking to everyone seems rather strange. This woman has pretty much been shut off from the world, and her first chance to go back into it is greeted with confidence and with her re-titling her self The Vision of Egypt. Um, the "Vision of Egypt" wouldn't be hidden away in a little hovel for eight+ years, Asenath. So it seems odd for her confidence to be as it was so long ago, when she was only seventeen. Really, I wouldn't have stumbled at all if this chapter was placed five minutes after she arrived in the hovel, and the only thing that told me she had been in that place for a while was the condition of her clothing. Everything else told me she had only been there for a short time. So you need to go back and look at this, asking yourself: "How would she act after isolation from people for eight years."
And that's another thing. Eight years? You're telling me that she was left and forgotten in there for that long? Seems rather odd and unbelievable, really. She is so beautiful, yes? She was so loved by all for her intoxicating beauty, yes? So you're telling me that the moment she fell from the Pharoah's graces, all of that stopped. Since her father was the third-most powerful man in Egypt, he would have lots of slaves, sons, etc... who would have known Asenath was in the hovel all alone, except for Oni. Add that together, and that equals trouble for Asenath. Some things just don't seem to be connecting at all points, and need to be thought about and have the plot points in these chapters looked at for any discrepancies and no-worky situations so you can smooth all this out. Because I am having a hard time believing she was along for so long, without any lovers. Especially when I think about how Oni goes to town for all this stuff. People would recognize her, too. And wonder where Asenath has gone off to. The Vision of Egypt can't just disappear for eight+ years and have no one miss her.
You need a comma after turned, but that isn't what I am going to be rambling about. I am getting good images from most of your chapters now. I seriously am. Most of my nitpicking I have done in the previous chapters about descriptions are beginning to fade away, and I am seeing things now. Asenath, Oni, their hovel - it's all clear. But this guy... he's quite nebulous. I can see a shape, and that is about it. Oh, and I know he is riding on a horse. That about sums up my image of him. A shape on a horse. Not too good. You don't even have to give a detailed description for each character Asenath sees, but anything is good. Just a brief, two sentence description would help this so much. (Oh, and I am just curious as to what she's painting. What picture it is. Even though it makes no difference.)
Comma after out, and period after then.
This is confusing me, or rather, how you're saying it. She's wearing a low-cut tunic that accentuates her... features? Like, her nose and her eyes kind of features? Seems odd.
Remove sliced-through word?
Period after in
So I decided to do a bit of technical stuff in this chapter, too. :3 When reading through this, the writing errors aren't too distracting, but there are enough of them so you should go through sometime and edit them out. Simple things, like missing periods and extra words, are easy to find and remove. And most of them can be found even right after writing. And since you wrote this a year ago, you should be disconnected from the piece enough to edit it properly - without having the words almost memorized in your head so you don't notice errors. You should be able to spot most of them now.
I am getting excited again now. For a few chapters, things had settled down and they seemed like the calm right before the storm. Things showed signs of picking up, everything indicating which way this was going to go (that guy on horseback in the previous chapter definitely has something to do with it), and in the next chapter, I will begin to find out. This is going to be fun. :3
See you soon
~Darth Timmyjake
All righty, so I'm finally getting around to reviewing this chapter. (It's been a long month of school for me... sorry I haven't been reviewing.)
Overall, Asenath is a very haunting and haughty character. Her development as a character interests me. While you've done an excellent job of showing her pride and her thoughts about everything that has happened to her, I would also love to hear more about how Asenath feels about herself. Obviously she knows she's beautiful. Obviously she knows she can twist men around her little finger. But in all this time living alone with Oni, has she not once wondered about her own actions? About the good of her own motives? Has she not once felt sorry for her pride? Has she not learned even a smidgen of humility? ...It seems that, even after having been cast down from her influence and wandering around morosely for years, she has not been humbled. Show us more about her character: is she not humbled because, even now, she is still ridiculously proud? Is she not humbled because she has a wonderful fiery spirit?
The strange thing to me is that, although she seems to live in the misery of her condition all the time (going around sad, painting things) she doesn't see herself as a miserable person. And if I lived alone for years, then I would at least have some doubts about myself, about my own identity, about my worth, about whether it was even worth living anymore. I don't understand how she feels about herself... maybe I'm just not picking up on the right things... I dunno. This rambling on about mostly subjective (and not obvious) ideas probably doesn't help you at all. Sorry.
I do agree with ThereseCricket:
I mean, she's been hurt so much already. The first guy, she really loved; the second, she set her hopes on for years and then never got. That's enough for any girl. I think she'd be a little more wary of falling for someone again. Sure, she warns herself about him, but she seems to think of him way too much for a girl as miserable as she is. Or maybe that's the point: she's so miserable she thinks of everybody too much. (But then she doesn't think about herself, as I questioned above...??) She's seen many beautiful men in her life, being in the Pharaoh's court, and been able to keep her wits. She's also so proud that I wonder she even stooped to think about a slave (unless she's truly been humbled, but I don't see that, as I mentioned).
Wondering about a guy for eight years when you only saw him once seems a bit much to me. Maybe mention that she forgot about him after a while? At least have him talk to her a little more... or ride by a couple more times, always at a full gallop, never stopping. Eight years also seems a really long time in general. I mean, eight years of misery after so many years of fine dining? Seems that Asenath would be more worn down and less beautiful after that, or a little more broken in spirit. Also, you've said that nobody comes near her house. I mean NOBODY. That's a little extreme. No lovers trying to find a private place? No slaves wandering around checking up on things occasionally? Nobody EVER? It seems more plausible to me that some (at least a few!) people would wander by. Maybe just change the "eight years" to something that makes a little more sense... one year? two? three? ...but not eight. Unless you're trying to get the historical timing right or something, in which case you'd probably need to go into more detail about how Asenath actually changes during those eight years, since this kind of thing for anybody with a life like Asenath's was... this kind of isolation and drudgery would be a pivotal moment, a turning-point for anybody (at least in a small way, not necessarily a complete turn around).
Okay, enough of the blabbering-on. On to the details. Avada Kedavra, you typos! Take that! (Yay, review-day word-play!)
"had also begun" doesn't seem to be the exact right verb tense here. How about "she also began"?
A bit of punctuation seems to have run off. Those darn commas and periods, so small they're always escaping!
The long paragraph of thoughts that follows this is a little bit of an overload. And an overreaction by Asenath? assuming lots of things? Maybe that's the point? I dunno... i like it better when you intersperse action with direct thoughts, instead of putting all the direct thoughts together.
I think it would be best to decide between EITHER a comma OR an ellipsis. Both together look a little weird.
Um, "Don't worry about the expense. There is enough in the bag for a magnificent outfit"? Then why is Asenath living in a shack? Because she's so miserable she wants to? I think you may need to expound on what happened between losing her home and coming to live here. Why isn't she in the prostitute house? How does she still have money? You've implied in a previous chapter that her own father lusted after her... why didn't he come for her? How can Oni still be her servant? Why does Oni love Asenath so much? (Asenath can be maddening, and she's demanding, and haughty... what makes Oni so loving and loyal?)
That's another thing... Oni is everywhere in this story, mentioned repeatedly, but she's sort of a flat character. That bugs me. Why does she do what she does? Who is she really? She's sort of the stereotypical "faithful servant." Not that you have to make Oni backstabbing and have ulterior motives just because she seems too nice; I'm not saying that. But what ARE her motivations? Does she have quirks? Personal weaknesses? What distinguished Oni from other faithful, humble servant characters in stories--what makes her a person in her own right? This story is about Asenath, but Oni is so prominent that good characterization of her would add to the story. I believe so, anyway.
And someone below said that the pacing here was a little slow. I thought it was all right. You have enough action and drama in this story right now to spare time for a little mor description and characterization.
I hope I have more time to review throughout the school year! (AP English, AP US History, and AP Spanish Lit are killers.) I hope this was helpful... if it wasn't, sorry.
~ jessiethought ~
Wow. You asked a bunch of really good questions. I will definitely try to better answer them as I edit-hopefully. Thank you for the review! I was afraid that you had forgotten me!
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Hehehe, Pharaoh is calling for her, eh? Well in my mind that might mean two things. Either the Pharaoh is going to be making her a secondary wife, OR she is going to marry Joseph now. Either way, I'm thrilled to death now. She's got a chance to actually on top of things now! xD I certainly hope she takes this chance, as I'd hate to see her all again. Although, if she does fall again in the future, it will probably add more to the story. lol I'm jumping to conclusions now I think.
What I'm not entirely sure about right now, is your way of describing what she's feeling for this handsome slave. I mean, she talked to him for maybe 2 or 3 minutes, correct? She might remember him as being handsome, but I really don't think any women would just instantly fall for a guy like that.
Not even mexD Maybe she could think of him just every now and then, wishing that she could have gotten to know him more, and then she shoves it out of her mind, because she doesn't want to have anything to do with love anymore? Or something like that. I just think that it needs to be a bit more realistic, in how she reacts to seeing him, and then remembering him in the future.Reword this to "Though Oni, her faithful servant stayed."
I'd like to see some description of this man and also more of when he's riding off. Just one or two sentences would do. Just for us to get an overall picture of what he looks like, and the scene itself.
You know, before Asenath wouldn't let Oni touch her. I see that she has changed a bit, and it seems for the better to!
*cough cough* This may sound a bit strange, but since an Egyptian is narrating this, then you should find out what type of measurement they used back then, and use that instead here. xD It might seem a bit strange, and I'd ask some people about it as well, but I figured it might help with the cultural part of it.
This women has been told that she is too beautiful, FAR TOO OFTEN. I'm sorry, but she would actually consider treating a man like this? Well, it fits in with her character right now, but I hope she changes in the end. Cause she seems rather selfish and overall, a general brat at the moment. But I think that's intentional really. I believe you're trying to portray her like that. And you're doing an excellent job at that. I feel like I'm going to strangle her one moment, and then hug her the next. lol The poor gal.
I can't remember if I've commented on this before or not, so I figured I'd do it again just in case. Way too many ellipsis used throughout that entire part. People pause and stuff all the time, but not to this extent. Maybe use it once or twice, but if you use it too often, it kinda drags on you and gets on my eyes too. xD And it usually seems rather amateurish if used too often besides.
Should be just "It"
Alright, overall I think this chapter was probably one of your best so far. When you first started she was on top of things, with a huge dream to overtake everything, then she fell to living inside of a concubines house, and now she has the possibility of rising again. Hopefully, that is. Needless to say, I'm already wondering what on earth is going to be happening next. It's like you're trying to prepare us for something sensational, and I can guess it's Joseph? xD I only know that of course, because I reviewed some of your later chapters. I cheated a bit beforehand I guess. But if I hadn't read any of your later chapters, I don't think I would have been able to know what might be a possibility or not. I can only guess, but I'll save it for the next chapter now.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
I do use ellipses a bunch. It might be my addiction. Like some people are addicted to commas, I am hooked on ellipses. You will probably see that in the future chapters too. When I start editing (hopefully next week), I will try to eliminate the unnecessary ones. Thank you for your help! The most fun thing when writing this book was developing Asenath so I am glad that you are enjoying it!
One little thing. It's not a nitpick, really:
To make this flow better, try adding a colon after "message."
Yay! I'm so happy that Asenath is getting another chance. Of course the Pharaoh wouldn't have forgotten her, and he wants her as a wife. But what about that slave... I hope he comes back for her, somehow! I really liked him.
I like that Asenath had enough money to buy extraordinary clothing, but hadn't spent it unt now. Oni and she had lived on the necessities of life, dismissing artificial beauty and embracing a natural kind. I also love that she kept her hair. I have a feeling that this is a very important feature about her.
Good job!
Yay! You're back! Oh how we've missed you!
Onto the the review. Something about the flow of time seems off... She should be in her thirties or late twenties by now, right? So she'd be considered old by ancient Egyptian standards. (If I recall correctly, most people died around their mid to late thirties.) Also, eight years is a long time to remember someone and to hold a grudge.
I like how Asenath is still as vengeful as ever. She's quite the character you've created.
Um... There seems to be less visual detail than there had been in previous chapters... And there might be some transitions missing because I have to go back a few times to remember what is happening when.
Other than that, amazing as always! Your characters are well-formed and their dialogue is pretty smooth. I still have a hard time seeing where this is going, but I'll stick with ya.
Ciao!
Hello Aravis, Cheetah here. It is my pleasure to review this chapter!
I liked this installment's description and language. I especially liked the way you let the reader know what Asenath is thinking by putting her thoughts in italics. I only caught one small nit-pick.
Just a small spacing error here, there shouldn't be a gap between these two sections.
This was a bit slow for my taste, but I can tell things are going to speed up in the next chapter when she had dinner with the Pharaoh.
Overall, this was a really enjoyable read -- good job!
I know that this chapter is a little short, but I thought that if I put in the next section, it would be too long.