“Finally, my daughter, the day we all have waited for! What a work of Ra to make the day of the choosing of the young Pharaoh’s bride your sixteenth birthday!” Asenath’s mother stood behind Asenath’s chair, and they both gazed into the mirror.
Yes, the day had come. Asenath sat proudly decked in fine gold and jewels.
I am gorgeous. But to finally see the man I have been longing for all these years!
Though on the outside she was calm, on the inside her heart felt like a hammer, and her thoughts raced a million miles a second.
Her mother grabbed her hand, raised her up, and then looked straight into Asenath’s eyes. Asenath caught a glimpse of lust. Lust for the power of having her daughter as queen.
“You are magnificent.”
Asenath stared back with a stony expression. “I know.”
#*#*#*#*#*#*#
Twelve girls sat in a small room. But these weren’t just any girls. These were the crown jewels of Egypt. Each had passed tests on beauty, manners, singing, and other things. Now, they would see the prince and his parents. One would be chosen as wife. Of course, after a legal one year period, the newly crowned Pharaoh could pick as many wives as he wanted. But the one chosen today would be the Queen.
Asenath sat in the middle. She sparkled in the sun which shone through cracks in the wall.
A man with a golden ring and a patch over his left eye strode in. A young girl adorned in crimson to Asenath’s right whispered, “That’s the vizier.” All the girls bowed their heads in respect.
“Rise, ladies. It is my greatest pleasure to welcome you to the palace. For one of you, this will be your new home. Today, you will go in, do one thing to please the Pharaoh like sing or dance, then you might be asked questions or examined. When bid to leave, come back to this room. May the gods be in your favor.”
The room was as quiet as night.
What if… no. I am lovelier than all the girls in this room. He has to pick me. But it is most likely up to the current Pharaoh, his father. Breathe, Asenath, breathe. Think of something else.
She began to pray to Ra in her head, mouthing the words.
Soon, she heard her name called as in a dream. “Asenath, daughter of Potipherah, priest of On.”
Proudly, she stood to her feet and strode to the door.
The vizier explained, “Drop your head until told to rise.” Compliantly, she looked at her golden sandals.
The door creaked and a man announced, “Asenath, daughter of Potipherah priest of On to be presented to Pharaoh Amenemhet II and his son Senusret II.” As she walked forward, all Asenath could see was the shined crystal tiles of the floor. She fell to her knees.
Silence, fear. This is my day. Let me rise to see Senusret. To see the man of my dreams.
A deep voice spoke, “Rise.”
Asenath lifted her milk chocolate brown eyes. There he is. He stood commanding with a proud stance. He wore the red and white crown of united Egypt.
Wait! Who is that woman grasping his arm?
Asenath stood, inwardly appalled, outwardly as seductive as ever.
Then he spoke. “I am Amenemhet II.”
Oh. That is his wife.
“And this is my son.” He motioned to an empty throne beside him. “Where did he go?”
At that moment, a skinny young man with the biggest ears Asenath had ever seen emerged from behind a curtain.
“Ah, my son, meet the next lady, Asenath.”
What! That’s… he can’t be… he is nothing like I imagined! At least he has a handsome nose…
Senusret took his place beside his father. The throne seemed to dwarf him. “What do you have for us today?” he asked in a surprisingly deep voice.
“I will play a hymn to my patron god Ra.”
A slave brought her a harp, and she began to play and sing. The song was mesmerizing and enchanting. The notes were as sweet as honey yet crisp like the dawn. Asenath’s voice filled the room. Her voice was like a bird on the wind, flying free and clear. When she finished, the song hung in the air like pleasant aftertaste.
The queen was the first to speak. “Beautiful!”
“Thank you. I am the humble servant of the Pharaoh and his family.”
Though the servant of no other. Asenath smiled inwardly. Senusret had the look. He could not resist her beauty. Soon, she would be the most powerful woman in all of Egypt, envied by all. First, I’ll silence the fish my father. And my mother won’t get the power she is longing for. No, I’ll make her a servant in my kitchen! Oh, and Amnon! I’ll promote him to chief priest of Ra in On. Just a few more days!
Senusret stood up. “Pharaoh, let us examine the princess.”
Asenath turned her eyes to Amenemhet. His dark brows were furrowed.
“No, son.”
“Pharaoh?”
“I said no.” He turned his gaze to Asenath. “It is time to leave.”
Stunned, Asenath left. What just happened?
#*#*#*#*#*#
The Pharaoh walked out to a room with couches and food. His family followed.
Once in the room, Senusret turned to his father in rage. “I want her! Why won’t you just let me touch her now? By the gods…”
“Silence! Listen to me!”
The boy and his mother sat down as the Pharaoh began to pace.
“Remember the story that I taught you as a child?”
“That was a long time ago.”
“Then I will retell it briefly. A thousand years ago, a chief ruled over Egypt. He had a beautiful wife, but she was lustful of power. With the help of the people, she killed her husband and rose to Pharaoh herself. Though it was unheard of, a woman became chief. She reigned for ten years until her son was crowned. Asenath is like her, beautiful and deadly. I have heard that she is like a tigress. If you get too close, she lashes out in anger. She is too independent. This is about politics.She will jeopardize your rule if you even touch her. Take my word, son.”
His wife put her hand on her son’s shoulder. “The Pharaoh speaks wise words. What other woman pleased you?”
“Yes… I see that you are right. Khenemetneferhedjet is most beautiful as well.”
His mother beamed. “Your sister! May you live long and be blessed!”
Amenemhet nodded. “Yes, wise choice. Keep the power in the family. May you live long and be blessed.”
#*#*#*#*
Asenath sat in the room smiling. He had been lured in. There was no way off the hook now.
But what of the strange exit? She pushed the thought out of her mind.
The vizier came back in. “Line up.”
All the girls lined up and walked into Pharaoh’s porch again. Asenath noticed the fear and nerves of all the other girls.
Wait, girls. Howl in misery for I am the new queen.
The young prince, though weak, walked with a brave stance to the line of girls. All fell to their knees. Asenath could only see his feet now. He began to walk towards her.
This is it!
She closed her eyes and waited for the touch of his hands and the kiss of his warm lips on her forehead. But as she waited, it never came. As she opened one eye, she noticed that the prince was to her right!
He bent down and gently lifted the chin of the girl named Khenemetneferhedjet. He took her hands then kissed her tenderly on the forehead.
Asenath’s face burned hot.
NO! HE MADE A MISTAKE! NO!
“You all may come to our wedding,” said Senusret graciously.
“Senusret II has spoken. His wife is Khenemetneferhedjet. They will be wed in two days, and Senusret will be crowned in a month,” Amenemhet II declared.
The vizier led the remaining girls out. Though the majority of the girls cried as they were dismissed from the palace, Asenath felt heat boiling in her gut. After she was out of the gate, she ran, ran, ran. She didn’t care what people thought anymore. The wind gusts dried her hot tears on her cheeks. She ran not knowing where she was going. She couldn’t see anything but blurs. She couldn’t think. She couldn’t scream. Her world was crashing in, and Asenath felt trapped. And, subconsciously, she knew that she had trapped herself.
When she had run as far as she could and her lungs were about to burst, she sat down and screamed. Then, she wailed, then sobbed. When her throat hurt too much to make a noise, she sat in utter silence with her head in her hands.
After what seemed like a long time, Asenath wiped her tears and looked up. All was blurry until she blinked a few times. In front of her rose the golden temple of Ra. The sun reflecting off the top obelisk glared into Asenath’s eyes. Quickly, she had to look away. And as she gazed at the gem studded doors, a distant thought crossed her mind.
Amnon. I haven’t seen him in months. My wise and encouraging brother. He will wake me from this nightmare.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Asenath:Tears on the Sand Chapter 5Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,556 Literary Works • 673,434 Reviews
Timmy here :3
Oooooh, so this is the moment we've been waiting for. And the moment that Asenath has been watching and preparing for. Looking back at the first chapter, it is still such a shocker that when you fast-forwarded through those years, she changed so much. It is unrealistic? Nah, not at all. We do change a lot throughout our years. But one thing I would do throughout these chapters is try to span the gap between those years. Show her transition in the past, perhaps through other people and how they see her now. Her brother would be a good person to use. Anything you can give the reader that will give them a piece of her in-between years, sort of like puzzle pieces so they can fill everything in.
Because even though she has already changed, you showed her as one person in the beginning and she has become so much different... it seems odd given to us without a more in-detail story of those years. Told from her mother would be appropriate, perhaps when Asenath tells her mom that she wasn't chosen, she could get the lecture about how, you know, she failed her and how long it took her - and how she got to this point. All that stuff. ^.^
Hmm... Me no like. I have no picture of this character, really.
I see her as Penny from Mr. Peabody and Sherman when she's in Egypt. I don't see her as a person, because you don't give us anything on that. You tell us she is gorgeous - she does. But you don't give us an image, a description of what she looks like. I know she is wearing jewels, but I don't see her. Work on adding more description to your scenes, even as much as short sentence snippets or even words in many places. It fleshes pieces out rather nicely by giving us a clearer picture. Show more, rather than tell most of the time.HUNGER GAMES. xD Sorry, that line is completely fine. I just couldn't help myself.
ASDFJLKL I am not going to even attempt to pronounce that. xD
So one thing I would like to see more of is the personality of people, their character. I am seeing enough of Asenath through her constant internal dialogue (something I already spoke to you about in previous reviews), but with characters such as the Prince, I am not learning much from him. He seems to be a character to be returning to the story as we go along, and this was your introduction to his character. You know how they say you never have a second chance to make a good impression? With introducing characters to a reader, it's basically the same way. Present a picture for the reader to grasp with their person (such as the "biggest ears Asenath had ever seen" - an amazing start), so they can give the person a face. But don't forget the personality of the person, which is just as important as the visual side of things. Build that up using their dialogue - how they speak, whether with colloquialisms or just talking easy-going, stressed, whatever. Build that up using body language. If the prince flopped into his throne and slouched, it would give me the idea that he isn't too serious about who he's meant to be. But if he sits up straight and sits down like a royal is taught... then, well, you get the picture.
adverb: proudly
adverb: proudly
adverb: compliantly.
adverbs: inwardly, outwardly
adverb: subconsciously
So there are a few of the many adverbs you have in this chapter. By themselves, adverbs are fine and are really great things. But they should be used sparingly. Don't use them as you would adjectives or nouns or verbs - not that often, or even close to it. Use them as you would an em-dash or a semi-colon. Occasionally, and when they're necessary. Because when they're scattered throughout the piece like Christmas lights, they do tend to glare out of the piece.
I think I have enjoyed this chapter more than any of the previous. It really does show more conflict and trouble for her, and it needed to come, too. >.< Asenath thinks so highly of herself, doesn't she? And I think this helped to push her down to where she needed to be in order to become a better person. I love how you've taken usually the opposite of the character most authors choose, and chosen to build her up as a better person. I look forward to her slow transformation in character... if it's going to happen. Just me assuming.
Onto the next chapter now! My reviews will be more frequent now. :3
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Well, I didn't think I was going to be right about somebody thinking that she was power hungry soooo soon, but oh well. xD I'm writing these reviews side by side or near that at least, so I moved on to the next chapter and it was like, BOOM! The Pharaoh got on to her plan, and convinced his son that she wasn't right for him.
One thing I wasn't quite sure about, was that the Pharaoh's son didn't quite react as I wanted him to. I wanted to really deny that she thought that way. I wanted him to resist what his father was saying. Make it seem like he was really regretting that this seemingly beautiful, and talented women, was against him, and full of lust for power. That's what I wanted. Some true resistance to it. But then, the Pharaoh in the end, convinces him of the stupidity of his discussion. And he chooses another.
I think it would also help with the quick pacing of the development of the Pharaoh's son's character. As we just got to meet him for real, it would be cool to see something more on him, then that quick little paced conversation. Granted, the information was good and you presented it extremely well, but I found that I was wanting more. So maybe draw it out a bit, and make him resist his father's discussion a bit more. If not for the development and plot, then for the overall dramatic effect.
Here would be an excellent time to insert some description of the mother. Compare the beauty of the mother and daughter and draw out the features of both. Will help with picturing Ansenath's beauty, and her mother's desires for her, in my opinion.
Instead of just saying other things, elaborate a tiny bit more on those things. As you have it, it almost seems like you were too lazy to put in the necessary description. Now I know you aren't lazy. but it does sorta seem that way. A small edit it will fix it though.
Night sometimes isn't sooo quiet. At least there are occasions where its not. It's rather shady in that area, really. I'd suggest finding some other analogy. Maybe something about the Valley of Kings? xD
Maybe some facial expression to show his surprise? Would help us picture what's going on more.
Here's something that I like to comment on a lot. The ellipsis here, isn't really that necessary.
Instead you can use the m-dash or maybe just a boring old comma.
This thought process seems a bit messed up. She's thinking about how she hasn't seen him in months, then she goes until what he's like and then she's thinks of what he will do for her. i'd try and elaborate more on it. Try and draw it out a bit more, in order to make come out to it's full effect.
Overall, I liked this chapter fairly well. I mean, her dream of being Queen just got dashed to the ground, and she has basically nothing to live for in her mind. Like most girls, she feels pretty betrayed and not exactly friendly right now, but I'm rather curious to see how her family and friends are going to be reacting this. They won't be happy; I can tell that. Especially her mother, and her father I'm just not sure about yet. I'll have to wait for the next chapter!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
You have given me some really good ideas on how to improve this. Thank you!
Wow! What a roller coaster of emotions and events! I totally agree with Wolfie36: "Somehow, it seems like you've grown as a writer through the chapters. Each one just gets better and better and is superior to all before it."
Someone already pointed out this style nitpick on an earlier chapter, I think. Emphasize a word in an italicized sentence by un-italicizing the word. Remember to change that when you edit.
And later...
It's a bit unclear that they are in different rooms. The first time I read this I thought that Asenath was in the same room while the Pharaoh discussed why Senusret couldn't marry her. That was confusing. Maybe it was just me, but... if you could make it a little clearer that the Pharaoh's family is having a private discussion, that would be helpful.
Comma between "misery" and "for."
But in general, everything is AWESOME!!!
~ jessiethought ~
Oh! Another place where my chapter break up thing came out when I copied it to the website. Be forwarned. This happens to me all the time. So watch out for random jumps in time! Anyways, thanks for your reviews today!
Yep! Sure! I finally had some time this weekend to get to it.
Aw, it's sad that this only has two reviews... This novel deserves a lot more than that!
This story is excellent. I feel drawn in each time I read a chapter. It's just. So. Good! Honestly, I can tell that my reviews aren't going to be of much use to you because your chapters have been so flawless. I didn't even notice one nitpick in this entire chapter. Somehow, it seems like you've grown as a writer through the chapters. Each one just gets better and better and is superior to all before it.
Poor Asenath. She didn't get the Pharaoh. It was funny, though, how she described his big ears. And dang, his sister's name is a mouthful, isn't it!
I'm happy that we will be seeing Amnon again. It will be interesting to see how he's changed.
This chapter was so amazing!!!!!! Great job!!!
Yes, his sister's name is weird but that was actually senusret 2 actually wife's name. I would never have thought that up!
Yes, that's what I thought! I wonder how you would pronounce that...
Ooh, that was a nice plot twist! I definitely didn't see this coming.
In the beginning, when she is thinking about the current pharaoh, you said "Who is that woman hanging on her arm?" Just sayin'.
Like the previous chapter, there wasn't quite enough sensory detail. I want to know what the palace looks like!
But other than that, you did awesome! I like that you mention the brother at the end, nice use of foreshadowing. Also, I liked that there was a bit told from the prince's point of view. You haven't told anything from the perspective of anyone but Asenath, so it was a nice surprise.
As always, you've done an incredible job with Asenath's personality.
Keep it up!
Hi, Cheetah again to review chapter 4.
I really liked this chapter! You definitely breathed life into Asenath's situation. I loved the whole setup and everything was perfectly paced. This is one of the best chapters yet, well done! There are no typos, no grammar errors, nothing for me to critique at all.