z

Young Writers Society



The Hybrids (chapter 1)

by jls1638


Chapter 1

I can’t believe I’m running again, only this time it’s not so figuratively. My heart is racing along with my legs. My only fleeting thought is that he can’t catch me, because I know that if he does, my life will no longer be my own. There are trees all around me, flying past as I dart through the forest and I am just trying to keep from tripping over the rocks and fallen branches. Do I dare look behind me, dare see if I have any chance of escape, or do I give into the fear of not necessarily who, but what, is chasing me. I know he is getting closer, for I can hear the pounding steps just as clearly as my own racing heart, as fear threatens to paralyze me. I need to run faster and find a way to reach civilization, but I know that it won’t happen for a while, as I live 5 miles away from my nearest neighbor let alone a town, but it’s my last hope. My breathing gets more erratic as I feel my legs giving out and feel the breath of my attacker on my neck and my last fleeting thought is that it’s all over. Before another thought can even begin to form everything goes black and I am left floating in the oblivion of my own mind.

. . . . .

I have been floating for a little bit , hoping that I wake up soon. Finally before too long the black starts to disperse allowing miniscule amounts of light in while the fog over my eyes starts to clear.Suddenly, I realize that I am no longer at home. I try to listen to my surroundings when I finally recognize that the faint buzzing noise, is a voice.

“Sarah, I need you to wake up now” the faint unclear whisper of a man cuts through the slowly dissipating haze of my mind.

My eyes are slightly open when I finally notice the warmth radiating off of someone hovering over me. I can’t stop the sudden intake of breath and my eyes snapping open when the thought finally sunk in. Without thinking I abruptly sit up while my eyes instinctually snap open and I automatically attempt to flee from my unknown company. With my flailing arms and eyes not completely focused; my only thought is the need to get away. I feel the strangers hands abruptly grab hold of my shoulders, in his attempt to halt my frantic movements.

“Sarah.” the stranger’s voice fails to register in my mind. “Sarah! Just calm down!”

My thoughts finally slow down to a pace that allows me to think clearly enough to discern my surroundings. As my breathing starts to slow and my arms stop flailing, I am able to think logically rather than instinctually.

“ Thats it Sarah, you’re going to be just fine. Now, can I let you go or are you going to freak out again?”

Still breathing heavily, but not as frantically, I blink a few times as I try to figure out everything that happened. In the last of my memories, I was being chased when I blacked out. Wary of my surroundings and the stranger holding my shoulders, I reply in a small voice “ I’m not going to freak out, you can let go of me.” He slowly lets go of my shoulders and moves his hands back, although it is noticeable that he is ready to act if I show any signs of fleeing.

I slowly look at my surroundings noticing that I am on a couch in a small cozy living room area. With a dark color scheme to the walls, a second couch sitting across from me, and a flat screen mounted on the wall to my left, I start to calm down. Thinking that if they wanted to capture me then they would have put me in a more confined area. The strangers voice breaks through my thoughts bringing me back to the present.

“Sarah, are you okay?”

Tentatively, I ask “How do you know my name?”

“My name is Lamar, and I know your name because the government has kept records of you since your parents passed away.”

The calm that took so long to achieve was quickly dissipating. How could that be, I was 16 when I came home to the news of my parents death. It took me 10th, 11th, and half of 12th grade years to finally come to terms with the fact that my only family had been ripped away from me in what I was told was “accidental” due to their line of work. While I was given enough money to help me with pretty much anything that I needed for the next fifteen years, it could never make up for the family that I should have had. Now at the young age of 23, I had all but moved on, or so I hoped. Finally I responded “What does this have to do with my parents and why were records kept of me?”

Lamar,in his fitted blue t-shirt and blue jeans, who looked to be a few years older than me with brown hair, green eyes, and an athletic build, answered formal and cautious. “Your parents line of work was complicated and given their knowledge and positions, it was deemed necessary to keep tabs on you in case anything . . unusual . . occurred.”

My mind starts racing. Why would anything unusual occur? What does he mean by unusual? What were my parents doing, I thought they were just scientists. Who is this guy if he knows this information? What happened to the thing that was chasing me? My thoughts continue for what feels like forever until I am finally able to sort them out and figure out which ones are necessary at the moment. “What happened to the thing that was chasing me, and what was it?” I tentatively inquire with a cautious gleam in my eye.

“ That was one of your parents discoveries, you see, your parents worked with the government to try and find paranormal beings. The government didn’t just want them found, but they wanted them documented, studied, contained, and experimented on. What you were being chased by was an Abarimon. They were . . ”

With a huff, I interrupted “I know what they are, my parents did keep books on mythology you know, or you should know if records were kept. The really fast demon with backwards feet. There are a few issues with that theory though. First” I say as I start counting out my issues with his theory on my fingers, “ they don’t leave the valley in the Himalayas so how would it get here to Colorado’s rocky mountains and just happen to be chasing me down the mountain; and second, how was I able to stay ahead of it for over a mile and a half of it chasing me before I blacked out? And even if you are correct, then why would it be chasing me?”

With an annoying calmness he answered, “It got to Colorado because the government found the valley and brought two of the creatures here. They” he takes a breath and seems to be looking for the appropriate word “enhanced . . the creatures to where their intelligence levels were closer to that of normal human beings, the problem is that our facility was breached and they were let out. We think that it recognised your scent from when your parents worked in the labs and it wanted revenge on them. The reason you were able to stay ahead of it is a little more complicated though.”

“Well, I tell you what, why don’t you make it simple and explain it. As you said yourself, my parents were scientists who worked with the government. I am their daughter, so I can’t be that much of an imbecile not to comprehend basic English.” I responded with the increasing rage that just seemed to grow with every word that was spoken by Lamar.

“It’s not that you’re an imbecile.” Lamar responded then continued with hesitance, “It’s that you might not want to hear what I have to say.”

“If it’s about me I have every right to know and you have no right to keep it from me.” I say with conviction.

“Fine,” Lamar said with a sigh, “Your parents didn’t exactly keep the experiments at their lab.”Lamar says tentatively, “They decided they wanted to see if they could create a hybrid.”

After he said that all the information and ominous statements he made, clicked into place. “Whoa,” I interrupted him, “ So you’re saying that my own parents made me into one of their mythological beings to be poked and prodded. You can’t be serious.” The information was almost too much for my mind to process. Almost.

“It was an unauthorized experiment that the government couldn’t stop.”Lamar continued, “Your parents started out by mixing some of your blood in a petri dish with various mythological creatures blood, in an attempt to isolate certain traits and transfer them into your genetic makeup. We don’t know how many they successfully transferred into you, but by our counts it could be merely one or exceeding 30. Without testing your abilities there is no way to know what abilities were transferred, and finding out from where might be near impossible.”

As he talks I can’t function. My parents experimented on me. They treated me like a lab rat, their own daughter, but why? it doesn’t cross my mind that Lamar might be lying, because I can feel the truth in his words. I just stare at my hands as Lamar finishes what he’s saying. How am I supposed to respond to that? Now what’s going to happen, if they don’t know what abilities I have then are they going to watch me, test me, continue treating me like a lab rat? I don’t think so, if they want my cooperation they are going to have to follow my rules. With that decided, I look up and ask Lamar “So how do you have this information, what happened to the Abarimon, and what do you want from me?” I say with confidence and conviction.

Apparently he didn’t expect that, as his eyes widened and a slight smile played at the corner of his lips. Lamar responded, with amusement evident in his voice “Are you always this brazen about everything?”

With my impatience escalating I respond, vehemence clear in my voice “Yes, I am. now please answer my questions.”

With a smile now clear on his face he answers, “First of all, my parents worked with your parents and the government asked if I would be able to talk to you about this.” As I am about to interrupt, he continues, noticing the questioning look in my eyes, “They wanted me to talk to you for a couple reasons. First, I am close to your age. Second, I was on the mission that got you before the Abarimon could do any harm to you; and finally, because I requested it. As for the Abarimon, we named him Aran because he ran away, he is now back at our facility beneath Lyons,Colorado. Finally, to answer your third question, I personally just want to get to know you.”

I waited a period of time expecting him to elaborate but it was clear that that was going to be his whole answer, and that wasn’t enough. So I stated with a huff, while rolling my eyes then giving him a pointed look, “You’re going to need to do better than that, casanova. Apparently I wasn’t specific enough. First of all, why did I black out when your team ‘saved’ me from the Abarimon, what does the government want with me, and why do you want to get to know me?”

Through my response his smile just got wider and it was obvious that he was trying his best not to laugh. When I asked if he was going to respond or just sit there in amusement he finally said, with laughter still evident in his voice, “Sorry if I offended you with my amusement.” he said with little conviction, “To answer your questions You blacked out basically because of the lack of oxygen getting to your brain, we think you were holding your breath without knowing it or it could be a side-effect of you developing one of your abilities. The reality of it is that we just don’t know the cause of it, and until you can be monitored while running we won’t be able to. As for why the government wants you, I don’t know, you will have to take that up with them. The reason I want to get to know you is because I am like you. You weren't the only one whose parents experimented on them, it turns out ethics didn’t play a big role in the minds of our parents. There is a group of people around our age who are now hybrids because of the team that worked with your parents. All the scientists in the group that were studying these beings had at least one child, some had more. They had an agreement to alter our DNA to create hybrids. Your and my parents were the only couples in the group. There were 13 other scientists that did this to their kids, but even if they had multiple, they only did it to their first born, unless they had twins, in which case both of them would be, as we call it, hybridized. There is only one known set of twins though. We have been tracking down the hybrids to help them with their transformations. The only people on the rescue team are other hybrids.”

When he got to his third point his voice got steadily quieter and the amusement in his voice completely disappeared and his face fell with the burdening memories he was left with. When he was finished, I realized I was now sitting sideways with my right leg on the couch and had grabbed his hand to try and comfort him. I immediately dropped it, stunned and embarrassed that I grabbed his hand to try and comfort him when I don’t even know him. I didn’t realize until I dropped his hand that I created a link with him and was sharing his emotions. I immediately realized the mistake I made when a burning pain rips through my skull. I scream unable to hold in the excruciating pain that I felt to my core. I felt as if my brain was being electrocuted, as I could feel every neuron fire all at once. I couldn’t hold myself up any longer and slumped forward into his arms, as he tried to catch me. When our skin touched, the pain disintegrated, and I was thrust back into the black hole of my mind, left with only the sensation of his arms encircling me.

. . .

Lamar

Her scream reverberated through my mind. The realization that she found out another ability that she had, hit me like a slap in the face. When she slumped forward into my arms and I couldn’t help but stare. The only time she seemed truly peaceful was when she was unconscious. I can’t help but smile as I finish the thought. She is beautiful and determined and she isn’t afraid to let it show in every one of her expressions. I remember, once I am finished with my monologue, about my second ability showing up. I was already here and knew about me being a hybrid. I was listening to music on my radio, and it was lower than normal. It was all the way across the room and I really didn’t want to get up and turn it up just to hear it. So what do I decide to do? I go and stare at it pondering the convenience of having a teleportation device. So I just get lucky enough to have a radio fly at my head without me realizing that I willed it to myself. It hit me in the head and I ended up blacked out, on my bed, with a huge lump on my head that didn’t heal for weeks. It was definitely something that I won’t repeat anytime soon.

Bringing myself back to the present, I decide it would be best to stay with her because it would be horrible for her to wake up in an empty room, or god forbid with a stranger in the room (at least that’s what I told myself). I extended her legs and mine, laid on my side and scooted back against the back of the couch with my left arm around her stomach and my right arm extended under her head, while pulling her up tight against me as to keep her from falling off the couch. It was already midnight so I decided I might as well get some sleep to and try to explain things to her in the morning. As I drifted off to sleep I couldn’t help but feel content holding her so close to me. With the smell her beautiful red hair flowing towards me, I realized the significance of this moment, for I had never had such close contact with anyone and it was comforting. With that fleeting thought I let oblivion consume me as it had her and I slept more peacefully than I had in years.


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Tue Dec 08, 2015 12:22 pm
Caitlyn says...



I love this!




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Sun Mar 09, 2014 10:59 am
fallenoutofgrace wrote a review...



Hey there it's fallen for that time of the day Review time! so lets get started.
First off, I'm a hybrid supernatural geek to the max and you managed to capture all my geeking out obsession and make it into an amazing story with a cool guy with a cool name Lamar and Sarah which is just as cool. Alright now that's over lets get to the paragraphs. During the first paragraph you immediately throw the reader into your characters sense of panic and fear with how you used your word choice which was very effective and really good. Although the him gives mix signals on one hand it gives suspense and is a really good technique on another hand the reader gets annoyed like " what is it? it is a guy or an animal? Can it kill you if he gets you or just do some pretty horrid things and let you walk away scarred? could he be a kidnapper in a black mask? But I did liked the paragraph. I also liked how you did the what it could almost be an interrogation for answers was very good. You didn't drawl it out which is important. And I enjoyed how Lamar was just amused through it all like it should be obvious that he's like Sarah. Although the twist I found was all the scientist who were parents experimented on their first born. Over all well done.




jls1638 says...


Thanks for the review. I started out with only that first paragraph and expected to write something akin to a poem but when I started expanding it turned into novel writing. I would love it if you would review my other chapters as well. Thanks :).



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Fri Nov 15, 2013 5:54 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm here for a quick review. I'll focus on the spelling and grammar, since you've had a couple of other analyses so far.

Do I dare look behind me, dare see if I have any chance of escape, or do I give into the fear of not necessarily who, but what, is chasing me. I know he is getting closer, for I can hear the pounding steps just as clearly as my own racing heart, as fear threatens to paralyze me.

Okay, so this is in the first paragraph, and you're building tension. There's speed involved. Therefore, you don't want to have long, convoluted sentences such as these around. Keep it short and terse. Break them up.

I have been floating for a little bit , hoping that I wake up soon. Finally before too long the black starts to disperse allowing miniscule amounts of light in while the fog over my eyes starts to clear.

mininscule ==> minuscule.
If you are oblivious of your surroundings, you cannot hope that you will wake up. Start at "The blackness starts to disperse". No sooner. You also need more commas separating the different phrases and clauses in here.

I can’t stop the sudden intake of breath and my eyes snapping open when the thought finally sunk in.

Remember what tense you are in: present. "sunk" is in past tense.

I feel the strangers hands abruptly grab hold of my shoulders, in his attempt to halt my frantic movements.

strangers ==> stranger's. Your comma is not really necessary over there.

Tentatively, I ask “How do you know my name?”

Your dialogue punctuation is incorrect in almost all cases. You lack commas, capital letters and full stops in many different places. Watch out! This instantly downgrades your story from "cool plot" to "fix your grammar" in the eye of the reader.

Each quote I have here is just an example of the grammatical problems you face. Here is something to help you: The Great Grammar Compendium. Read it—all of it—and you will be able to write with much better grammar than you have now. It's worth it. Your plot is strong, but because of your grammar, your delivery is not as effective.

Good job on the plot. It's already strong and raring to go.

Your character development is lagging slightly, but it's okay, since you need to get everything up and running in the first few chapters. Well done on developing the environment and history of the plot.

I know my review was harsh, but I promise I only picked on your weak points. Be sure to pop a PM in my mail if you have any questions or want to chat!

barefoot




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Tue Nov 05, 2013 9:58 pm
GoldFlame wrote a review...



Flame here, as promised!

I loved the beginning; it really grabbed the reader's attention. Just one small thing that a previous reviewer hadn't mentioned: You used "racing heart" twice in that paragraph. I would just swap the second one for a simple "heartbeat." Makes it flow easier.

Your piece was so awesomely fast-paced. My eyes were glued to the screen! Compliments to your creative plot, and I loved the protagonist, Sarah; I could easily put myself into her shoes.

There were some slight grammar issues, though...like an awkwardly-organized sentence, but it's mostly a forgotten or unneeded comma. Remember to add commas before a conjunction in compound sentences! For instance, the last sentence should run, "With that fleeting thought, I let oblivion consume me as it had her, and I slept more peacefully than I had in years." You also neglected capitalization and apostrophes in some places, although I'm sure they are mistakes. I would just suggest rereading the chapter.

Happy writing! Can't wait to read the other chapters.

~Flame




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Sun Nov 03, 2013 7:40 pm
jls1638 says...



I have chapter 2 it is the same title (except is labeled chapter 2 instead of chapter 1 go figure) anyways wanted to let everyone know who was looking forward to it




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Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:00 pm
Sylar wrote a review...



I really enjoyed this chapter, and I want to read more. It said Chapter One, so I had to review it. :)

Anyways, your formatting is fine, normal prose, but you had some grammar errors.

"only this time it’s not so figuratively." This phrase made no sense.

Other grammar errors were "Lamar,in" and "anything . . unusual . . occurred" (there should be three ellipses, not two.)

Aside from that, I really liked you story, and I can't wait for chapter 2.

There's something about your writing that's very simple but effective, and I enjoy that. There's no really fancy language or embellishing, just . . . writing. You should try writing a screenplay, you sound like you have a mind for that.

Also, I loved you plot! I feel for Sarah, she's in a tough situation. After having to live with the grief of her parents death, she's been pushed in the other direction, learning that she's a lab rat.

I really can't wait for chapter two.

Alex out!




jls1638 says...


First of all thanks for reviewing and yes there will be a chapter 2, I have 4 chapters done as of right now but just need points to put them up. The first line that you said made no sense was kind of a lead into an internal conflict that will be explained in later chapters although it's exciting to know that someone caught that.



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Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:09 am
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi, Dream here with review on your story. First of all, Happy Review Day!

Honestly, I love this story. The storyline is clearly visible and attractive. There are fictional elements that make a difference in the story. Same with the title that brings the tale of "hybrid man '! Scientists now only use the methods in animals and plants. So I think that this story also gives great message to the reader.
What a surprise again, humanity has faded when her parents (a scientist who works with the government) also make experiments on ‘I’ ( their own daughter!).

My parents experimented on me. They treated me like a lab rat, their own daughter, but why?

An interesting question here to get the reader's attention.
I have no problem with your storyline. It can be understood. One that become a problem is the wrong typed and etc..
1. lets go, The strangers voice( should be (‘s) there.)
2. They wanted me to talk to you for a couple reasons*(a couple of reasons ).
Overall, very interesting story to read. I like the description / details to gives in every part of the story.
Keep it up! Kudos,cheers.




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Sat Oct 26, 2013 5:45 am
Messenger wrote a review...



The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGR.

Do I dare look behind me, dare see if I have any chance of escape, or do I give into the fear of not necessarily who, but what, is chasing me.

You should have a question mark at the end of this sentence.

With my flailing arms and eyes not completely focused; my only thought is the need to get away.

This sentence seems awkward to me. Consider re-phrasing it.

The calm that took so long to achieve was quickly dissipating. How could that be, I was 16 when I came home to the news of my parents death. It took me 10th, 11th, and half of my12th grade years

I like the first sentence, although it is in past tense unlike everything else which is in present tense. Add bold word.

OK, finished. I would advise re-reading this. You have a couple times where you go to past tense, you are missing some punctuation in quotations marks, and a couple times you have periods or commas mashed into words.
Now, the good? I really liked this story. It seemed very interesting, and I really like both characters. I think you did a pretty good job of describing both's emotions, although I think description of the girl would help a little. I like the storyline so far although it was a little chilling to read, especially late at night when everyone else is in bed.:D
Keep it up!




jls1638 says...


Thanks for the wording hints. You said to add Sarah's description I presume you are meaning physical and I was wondering where in the writing you would suggest putting this?



TheMessenger says...


Yes I did. Sorry for not making that clear. Just add little snippets here and there. You, maybe she wiped away a strand of her black hair, and just little things like that.



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Fri Oct 25, 2013 11:00 am
therealme wrote a review...



Very nice :) You've written the story very well and it's great that you started it off with a highly suspenseful action scene because it really grabs the reader's interest. Your wording and flow is excellent. Very well written.
One thing I'll just quickly mention now that might need a little help was this sentence:

Lamar,in his fitted blue t-shirt and blue jeans, who looked to be a few years older than me with brown hair, green eyes, and an athletic build, answered formal and cautious.


It's not really a good idea to describe someone's entire appearance all at once while in the middle of a conversation. It would probably flow better if you wrote it like this:

Lamar wore a fitted blue t-shirt and blue jeans that showed off his athletic build. He looked to be a few years older than me, his brown hair swept to one side (or however you want to describe his hair xP). “Your parents line of work was... (blah, blah, blah) ... unusual ... occurred." His answer was formal and cautious.

Then later where you've written:
Apparently he didn’t expect that, as his eyes widened and a slight smile played at the corner of his lips.


Instead of just writing "as his eyes widened" you could add a description to the eyes by adding the colour of them.

Hope I helped a little. It's a very intriguing story and I hope you continue :) Good job!




jls1638 says...


Thanks I will try to go back and edit those and get the second chapter on, I have written up to four chapters but will be reviewing a few more things to get points to submit them. I am glad you said something about the description as I have issues with adding this and when to so this is a great help to me.



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Fri Oct 25, 2013 3:40 am
Bugslake says...



I have to say that this is a very intriguing story. There are times when I feel like you need a new paragraph and every once in awhile your words are misspelled. I love the fury redheaded character, I can really relate to her and I think that the boy is king of a goody hunk.




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Thu Oct 24, 2013 7:01 pm
Sylar says...



I'm going to review this on Saturday





"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind