Envy is no necessity,
Sort of like TV in many ways.
It is a waste of our time,
Ultimately a stupid way to live the only life we have.
We have no need to envy,
For no one person is any better than the next.
Anger is like the leaves in the fall,
Flying around you in the wind.
It gets in your way,
Never letting you out of its' sight.
It follows you constantly until spring comes,
Leaving you with a big mess to clean up.
These things are not the acts of another.
They are,
In the end,
The results of your own actions.
Be careful with what you do,
Or else you will regret it in the future.
Avoid these things as much as possible,
For they will only drag you down.
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Hi Lateritic,what a nice poem here!So Dark comes to give review on your poem!
! So in my opinion there is also goodness in this ugliness. Attitude of envy can encourage us perform better in our lives as long as we do not act recklessly.
Good poem indeed provide a useful lesson to the community. Just like the poem that you have written, you explain how anger, and envy can lead to self-harm in the end.I like the tone and voices the hard but not forced. It effectively became a poem that can be treasured.
# Envy is no necessity,
Sort of like TV in many ways.
It is a waste of our time,
Ultimately a stupid way to live the only life we have. -->Something new and fresh idea here.I like the simile you give.But not at all time TV can bring a negative impact to us.I spend a lot time in front tv,but watching discovery channel
# Anger is like the leaves in the fall,
Flying around you in the wind.
It gets in your way,
Never letting you out of its' sight. -->I was impressed with the symbolism that you use to characterize the anger.Although it may seem beautiful when the autumn leaves fall on the street, you still want to clean it as well in the end. And the bare trees symbolize those grumpy! They do not get anything except their own losses.
# Be careful with what you do,
Or else you will regret it in the future.
Avoid these things as much as possible,
For they will only drag you down. -->Satisfied with the ending!Keep it up!
The rhythm is nice,your poem is just perfect to me,my dear!Good job.
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
Hi there Lateritic! Nite here to review for Team Rouge this fine Review Day!
Overall, I really like the metaphors you used. I thought Anger being like fall leaves was really strong. These are common morals, but you found an inventive way to express them.
What I didn't like so much was everything from "These things are not the acts of another". I felt like the ending was blatantly telling the reader what to do, which feels a bit out of place outside of an Aesop's fable. I think this could benefit from more of the inventiveness shown in the beginning. For example, maybe you could have characters show the fate of those who envy/anger, like a man who wastes away watching glamorous people on TV?
Some minor nitpicks:
Don't need an apostrophe on its since it's possessive.
The extra commas and line breaks made this feel really choppy. That might have been intentional, but it broke up the flow to me. I'd rewrite as "In the end, they are..."
Overall, there's some cool metaphors here, but I think the ending could be stronger. Keep writing!
Thanks
Knight Dragon, here to bestow a Review Day review upon you!
Technical first:
"Never letting you out of its' sight.", the apostrophe needs to go. There isn't supposed to be an apostrophe with the possessive form of "its".
Content:
I liked the style, and definitely having the two words in bold. That helped to break up the internal portions of the poem without breaking up its wholeness. But then when you didn't use the last word of your title, Destruction, and instead had "down" in bold, that really threw me. I was expecting a pattern, and when you broke the pattern you'd established it really threw the poem off kilter. I would suggest maybe working it in here:
"They are,
In the end,
The results of your own actions."
You could redo that as
"It is,
In the end,
Destruction- the result of your own actions."
That would fit the format. I would also un-bold down because of that.
But that's just a suggestion. Take it or leave it.
Otherwise you did a really good job of capturing the value of envy, anger, and destruction.
Hope this helps!
By "down" I meant it was the path to your own destruction, as in envy and anger only leading to your down fall... Something of that sort. This started off as a poem that I wrote last year (in 7th grade) and it was really really short. The original poem was:
Anger is the leaves
In the fall
It falls on you
A really big burden
And it doesn't come off
Until winter comes.
Terrible, am I right? On another note... Thanks for the review! I really appreciate it. *I'm terrible with its and it's and stuff like that.... I'm terrible with homophones or whatever those things are called...*
Thanks,
~Lillie