z

Young Writers Society


12+

Endless: Part IV

by HaleyPenguin


I woke up to a loud slam. I was still by the window. I must’ve passed out. There was another slam, and I had no idea what it was, but then I remembered… “Marcy!” I yelled. I ran out of my room, and into the living room. I stopped and listened. Another slam. It was coming from the kitchen. I turned the corner in the kitchen and saw Marcy. What is she doing? She jumped up like she was trying to reach something, and when she came back down, her feet slammed on the floor.

“Marcy?” I called. She jumped back as if she was startled by me.

“Oh… Good morning, Ren.” She said.

“What are you doing…?”

“Oh… I’m hungry…” I looked up to see what she was trying to get, and saw a box of crackers. I grabbed them and handed them to her. She smiled and ran off into her room. I shut the cabinet door, and grabbed an apple from a bowl. I sat on the couch, and started messing with a radio I’ve been trying to get to work.

Without electricity, there’s not much to do. You can’t play outside anymore or go to the mall. It’s too dangerous outside, and the mall doesn’t exist here. This is how I pass time.

“….be here soon!” I could hear Marcy’s voice through the wall. I wonder what she’s talking about… Ren, don’t. Let her have a little privacy. I should… At least that’ll be something she has to herself. But then I could hear her crying… I stood up, and walked over to her door. It was slightly open, so I stood there and looked in.

She was sitting in a corner talking to a stuffed bear that was missing an eye. Her face was puffy, her cheeks were wet, and her eyes were red.

“Y-You think Daddy’s coming back… right?” She quietly asked. She sat there waiting for the bear to answer, but it quietly sat there quietly, and eventually flopped over. Her lips started to quiver, and tears swelled up in her eyes. She covered her mouth with her hands, and began to sob. To me, the muffled cries sounded like she was screaming for help. I walked in, and scooped her up in my arms, and she bawled. Tears soaked my shoulder, and her sobs seemed to grow louder. I patted her back, and walked into the living room. I walked back and forth, hoping it would help her calm down, but she seemed to be getting worse.

Ren, do something. Remember what you did for Jordan. Jordan was my little sister. Whenever she’d cry, I’d sing for her, and she’d stop right away. Will that work for Marcy…? Worth a shot.

So I started singing the lullaby I sang to Jordan. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray…” Her sobs grew quiet. Keep going Ren. “You’ll never know dear, how much I love you.” Her hands softly gripped my shirt. “Please don’t take my sunshine away…”

“…my mommy used to sing that to me…” she said in a quiet whisper. She picked her head up off my shoulder. “Did your mom sing it to you?”

“Yeah, she did. And I used to sing it to my little sister whenever she was sad.” I replied.

“Ren?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want to go look for Daddy anymore…”

“What? Why not Marcy?”

She wiped her eyes and said, “We don’t need to. Daddy visited me last night…” I was just about to say something, then she continued, “He said bye to me, and that he had to go away for a long time…”

I never believed in those last goodbye dreams. But Marcy seemed to believe in it, so I felt like I was starting to as well.

2 hours later…

Marcy and I headed out again. She had her little bag and her stuffed bear that she called Stuffy, and I had my backpack and pistol. We went down the block, and I helped her up over a tree that had fallen. I climbed over after her, and we continued. We walked over to an apple orchard, and started picking apples. I remember doing this as a kid. When I was small enough for Dad to lift me up on his shoulders, and I’d pick the biggest apple I could get my hands on. And Mom would make apple pie when we got home. And Kellin would play house with me… even though, at the time, he was 16 and I was 5.

I felt a tear go down my cheek and I wiped it away, hoping Marcy didn’t see it. I looked over and saw her playing with her bear and weaving in and out of the trees. I laughed, and went back to picking apples. Today seemed calmer than any other day I’ve been through. The light breeze in the trees carried the sweet scent of apples and leaves.

Suddenly, I felt something tugging at my pant leg. I looked down. “Marcy?” There was fear in her eyes. “What’s wrong?” She pointed to a path that was down the middle of the orchard. I walked over to it, but Marcy stopped me. “What?”

“I saw someone! They have a big gun!” Marcy whispered. I slowly walked down to the last row of trees and sat behind one. I peeked out from behind the tree and saw two men walking down the path. One man was about my age with dirty blonde hair and tan skin. He had on sunglasses, jeans, and a t-shirt. He was carrying a shotgun. The other man was a little older. He had dark brown hair, a beard, and he was too far away to see his eyes. He was tan, muscular, and tall. He had a machine gun. They walked closer, and I grabbed Marcy and pulled her towards me. They can’t see us if we stay right here and keep quiet… It’s either that… or die…


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
347 Reviews


Points: 25558
Reviews: 347

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2013 3:50 pm
View Likes
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello! I've come to be more nosey for Team Rouge and this amazing review day! I will provide you with a delightful review sandwich in just a jiffy :)

First things first, the things I liked;

It's very intriguing and has so much potential. You could take this in all sorts of weird and wonderful directions!

Have you seen the tv programme Revolution? It's similar to that. You should watch it to get some ideas.

And now onto constructive criticism;

“She sat there waiting for the bear to answer, but it quietly sat there quietly, and eventually flopped over.” - Too many 'quietly's. As I always say, Vary it up to Spice it up!

I don't like that the thoughts are in bold. It doesn't look right. Italics are fine :)

I think you would benefit from a little more description. Especially where they see the gunmen at the end. How are they feeling? Can she hear little Marcy's beating heart against her own or her paniced, short breaths along her cheek?

Good luck & keep writing!

Olive <3




User avatar
332 Reviews


Points: 10657
Reviews: 332

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:42 pm
View Likes
Blackwood wrote a review...



Hmmm I really liked this, it was quite a nice read. I am assuming its another one of those sort of apocalyptic worlds or dytopia ones. They are clearly hiding.

I liked the second half much better. The first half I felt like the kid was being a bit whiny and not speaking true to her age. She seems quite old at first, but then seems really young, but say things an older person would say in the style of a younger kid.

I am unsure what the bolded bits mean but I suggest you use italics rather than bold.

I think you have a good style of writing overall, although I do feel like you could flesh it out a bit. I feel like it really needs more, everything passes too quickly and it isn't developed enough.

Also in the second part we need to know why they are going out, where they are going out, who these people are, why they should be hiding, what the setting is like. There is just so much you could include that you haven't.




User avatar
663 Reviews


Points: 11295
Reviews: 663

Donate
Fri Sep 20, 2013 1:03 am
View Likes
Messenger wrote a review...



Here to review for the Knights of the Green Room. Glad to see part 4 is finally here.

So I noticed right off that you have a dialogue line within a non-dialogue paragraph. That is a no-no.
I noticed you had this a couple times through the chapter. I don't know why that is. Like yo get some of it right, and some of it not. Anyway, I don't want to be harsh, but it needs to be fixed.

I didn't see any other problems, so good job on that. The story still seems good enough to pull me in and keep my interested. You always end your chapters well.
You had more of the emotional side this time, which I really thought you did a good job of. I'll be reading chapter 5 when it comes.
Keep it up!





I could literally be Obama and you guys would never know.
— AilahEvelynMae