z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Return Of The Unwanted Dead. Chapter 6

by rbt00


Chapter 6

Someone Is Coming

The next day dawned warm and sunny. It was breakfast time as usual. Everyone was half way to the mess.

Emma hurried and caught up with Eliza. 'Good morning Emma' Eliza said.

'Hey I've been thinking what if vascara wants me?' Emma said

'Don’t be an ass Emma' Eliza said.

Emma chuckled.

'Ill eat you!' Emma said to Eliza

Eliza giggled 'Oh really?' I didn't know you could do that?' Both acted childishly.

They made their entry into the mess…settled down at their usual places. Cedrick, Fendi and the rest were already there.

'Yo wassup' Fendi waved as she came with her breakfast.

'Nothing much Eliza replied.

'You know the headmaster is an awful temper this morning.' Carlos added. 'Why is that so?' Emma questioned. 'Some students have scribbled something on the walls of his room 'Carlos said.

'L-O-L, he deserves that.'.

'No!! What was scribbled on the wall was 'The dead is returning' and you know all that stuff. So he regards all this as rubbish and wants to catch hold of those kids who did it. But we know the truth.'

'Shit another message! We've got to do something cause we are the only ones who seem to have knowledge bout this Emma said.

' chuuuh' the lights of the school went off suddenly. Everyone was happy at the first sight 'cause classes wont be taken if there is no electricity in the school and they would be taken to the garden but suddenly there were scary sounds as if some ghosts or something were approaching nearer.

'Hide me! I am done for!' Fendi said .

'Don’t be a ninny! We are the ones who have to solve this if you start acting like a monkey then everything is done for.' Eliza said bravely. 'Or maybe a monkey wouldn’t be so scared at all' she added.

'Here! Carlos exclaimed. They all ran to the lobby which had a trap door exactly in the middle of it. Pulled the ring and jumped in the secret tunnel which led to the graveyard.

'Aaaaaaaahhh' they all were shouting as they slid their way down. There was always a secret entrance for reaching somewhere. It was no emergency exit but an entrance which was built long time ago.


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Tue Sep 17, 2013 4:19 am
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



All right, review time.
This sentence reads awkwardly. "Everyone was half way already to the mess." Either reword it completely, or just drop "already"; it's not necessary to the sentence, and it throws a lot off.
And you've done this in previous chapters but it's big enough in this one that it needs to be pointed out. Example sentence "Everyone was happy at the first sight cause". That "cause" should actually be "because", or " 'cause" with an apostrophe. I would go with the former.
That's it for this chapter. Hope this helps!




rbt00 says...


Yes IT DID! THNK U :)



rbt00 says...


I have a question. Do you think this story is good? Do you think If i send it for publishing will it b accepted?



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Tue Sep 10, 2013 4:50 pm
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Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey, so I'm finally here to review. "The return of the unwanted dead" the title sounds hilarious than serious :P .I like the whole content and the idea of this story. And your first and second chapter appears to be too much of information at once. I suggest you to take it a bit slower and make it faster as the chapter goes.It's like you are in hurry. :P And when you explain some new things don't say a "smoke like something or creature like something" Just say how it looks or smell with actual similes because you are the creator so you should know it. And explain it well. Sometimes you can use "something" but not always. Other than that if you correct your grammar mistakes and such this work will be so cool.Keep writing!
Cheers!!!
Good luck!!! :)




rbt00 says...


Thanks :)



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Tue Sep 10, 2013 2:32 pm
KnightTeen wrote a review...



'Don’t be an ass Emma' Eliza said.


I've been having a glitch that doesn't let me see the ratings, so if you have one already, my bad.

You need to up the rating to twelve and add a language warning.

'I'll eat you!'


Edit.

'Oh really?' I didn't know you could do that!'


Edit. This is more of an exclamation than a question.

They made their entry into the mess and settled down at their usual places.


Edit

"Nothing much," Eliza replied.


Edit

'You know the headmaster is in an awful temper this morning.'


[/quote]'No!! What was scribbled on the wall....[/quote]

Everyone was happy at first since classes won't be taught if there is no electricity....


'Here! Carlos exclaimed. They all ran to the lobby which had a trap door exactly in the middle of it. Pulled the ring and jumped in the secret tunnel which led to the graveyard.


I find it very hard to believe that (A) they were just allowed to leave like that and that no safety protocol was enacted. I mean, this is a school, they have policies for when stuff like that happens.

And (b) there is no way that they just ran into the lobby and there was a trap door just waiting for them there. To much, to fast.

There's nothing really that can be said that hasn't been said before. And so I will leave you until the next chapter.




rbt00 says...


Thnx




Overripe sushi, The master Is full of regret.
— Buson