Please delete this if possible. I didn't mean to double post.
Chapter 1
DAY 1
‘Thud’ another voice was heard. My heart skipped a beat. The clock struck two. Midnight and darkness shattered.I lay awake with my eyes wide open. Was I suffering from insomnia? I had no idea. Every night I heard footsteps…….footsteps from the kitchen…..footsteps in the hall. The fear had instilled in me to such an extent that I gave up sleeping in my room. I slept in my parents room. Basically because I felt the ghosts would pick me up one night and take me away to their world. Stupid imagination I know but still.
“Cling Cling” the voices continued. Believe me if you heard this for yourself you’d probably be half dead by now.
Everyone was asleep. Then who was in the kitchen? I heard voices of utensils being washed. I heard voices of ghosts speaking. Unclear, though they were.
I went half inside my blanket, half face still popping out desperately wanting to know who was out there in the middle of the night. That too in my house.
My mom was sleeping beside me. I shove her slightly so that she would wake up
“Mom, there are sounds of footsteps”
“There’s no one. It’s just your imagination. Go back to sleep” and within seconds she fell asleep snoring.
Imagine how I felt at that. The whole family sleeping and I am stuck in danger with voices of whom I don’t know. The clock kept ticking. I didn’t realise when I had fallen asleep. It was only when I was woken up with a hard shove on my back.
“You are late for school.” It was my mom. THANK GOODNESS. I thought the ghosts had caught me for at last. I got up, brushed my teeth, wore my uniform, picked up my bag and dashed down to the car. My dad drove as fast as he could so that I wouldn’t get another late comer slip. School arrived and yes I was LATE! I had to enter my name in the late comers list for the 10th time.
“GRRR”
---- To be continued. Day 1 is not yet over.
Hey, I love this story already! I can't wait to read more. First of all, ‘Thud’ another voice was heard, “Cling Cling” the voices continued, and I heard voices of utensils being washed. The word voice and voices should be changed to sounds. Voices to me are verbal sounds, for example I heard voices of ghosts speaking, I believe is correct way to use voice.
Unclear, though they were. I am unsure what you meant with this. Is it that the girl or the guy is unclear what the ghost are saying?
That's all I have to say. This is a very good story, it already drew me in. I kinda wanna slap the mother though. Though watching horror movies, I know by now by now that parents should NEVER ignore their children when they say something is in the house. The children are right, and you think parents would learn by now. Keep writing.
Shalie
I enjoyed the many descriptive elements of this short piece. The heart skipping a beat, midnight and darkness shattering, footsteps....wow. And I liked that even with first person POV, you still pull the reader into the situation.
Your choice of 'voice' instead of 'sound', was it intentional? I ask because as a reader, someone hearing sounds could either be haunted, or suffering from an overactive imagination. Someone hearing voices comes off as delusional or suffering a psychotic incident. That ambiguity also influences my interpretation of your diction, so I'll leave my critiquing at that.
Thank you.
Well, the comment below me pretty much covered all the grammactical aspects of your story. So, I'll just talk about how you can improve your writing...
Your story just jumps right into the action, but I think you might want to change it. Your mc is hearing things, and might be worrying if she is in danger. However, since the story is just beginning, we as readers, don't really care about what happens to her. It would help to maybe add something in the beginning instead of jumping into the story immidiately. Also, I wouldn't reccomend using capital letters unless it's in dialogue. I think you did a decent job with this story, but it needs to be improved.
This was quite nice, but there were so many mistakes.
"I lay awake with wide open eyes"
this should have been " I lay awake with my eyes wide open"
"The fear had instilled in me too such an extent..."
it should have been "to"
"I slept in my parents room now down on the mattress."
this could have been rephrased better I think.
" Everyone were asleep."
This should have been "was"
"Unclear, though they were."
this could have been rephrased as well.
'I went half inside my blanket, half face still popping out desperately'
again rephrasing would have worked here.
"I made noises of being scared that my mom woke up."
this is wrong English.
“Mom, there are voices of footsteps”
This can be rephrased or can be changed to 'sounds'
The next two paragraphs had tons of mistakes too. I think you should have this read and edited the next time you write something, because for one, punctuation is missing everywhere.
120,613 Literary Works • 651,075 Reviews
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Unclear though they were means the voices were not clear.
Points: 1104
Reviews: 33
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