Food Calms The Six.
'Dinner time!' the speakers bellowed. Everyone started moving out for dinner. The sky was dark and the stars were twinkling in the sky. It could be seen from the big glass which was on the way to the mess. The mess was as usual filled with voices. The five friends made their way to their table.
The food was so delicious that one would feel like eating again and again no matter how full their stomachs would get. They forgot all about their mission and started talking on a different subject.
'You know I've learned to make cheese cakes' Fendi said.
'Wow! Maybe you should give us a treat you know' Eliza said in a joking manner.
Emma who was sitting just next to Eliza also started telling what she learnt to make.
'I've learnt how to make a milkshake'
Everyone started laughing. Emma joined too. Then Cedrick said 'Maybe I would like to have one. Everyone started laughing again because making a milkshake was a child's play.
A lame thing to laugh right? Cedrick said.
'Anways, let's get going.' Fendi added.
They ate to their hearts' extent and were full and could not take more.
They got up and started heading back to there beds. Tired …Very tired. It was bed time and the lights were already out. Everyone returned to the dormitory.
Within minutes everyone was asleep. Everyone except Emma.
Emma sat near the window thinking. The moonlight made her face glow.
'What is actually happening in our school?' words ran through her mind. Suddenly she was distracted by Eliza who was now widely awake. 'What are you doing all alone in the corner? No sleep?'
'I don’t feel like sleeping today'
'Why is that so?' 'Insomnia?'
'Hey! C'mon I don’t have a sleeping disorder. No way shutaap!'
'Then?' Eliza questioned.
'Was just thinking what actually is going on in our school and why is Stacie doing all type of stupid stuff?' Emma said scornfully.
Eliza's eyes danced.
'We can pick our brains tomorrow, right now we need a good sleep' she said yawning.
Emma yawned too. It's a human nature. When someone yawns you yawn back.
'Fine good night'
And they both went to their cozy beds for a good night sleep.
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This is a short chapter. :)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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"They ate to their hearts extent and were full and could not take more." You mean "they ate to their hearts' (yes you need the apostrophe) content". There's not much else I can point out here, though, because this is such a short chapter. However, I will be here to review the rest of the story as it comes out. Hope this helps!
Thnk u sO mUCH!
I think that you should give more indication that "Dinner time!" is being said. And I don't think you need to say, "the speakers let out a voice" since the terminology of that sentence doesn't really fit here at all. The speakers bellowed/called out/said/blared, all those fit better.
And you don't need to repeat the word dinner. We already know where the characters are going.
I should have mentioned this before, but you really shouldn't use apostrophes in place of quotation marks. It looks wrong, it reads wrong, and it's just plain incorrect. The two are very different things, and they mean different things.
These two sentences feel very abrupt and out of place. It's almost like you had a random thought while writing a sentence and stuck the thought after it. The content is okay, and it can stay, but it needs to be adjusted to fit in better with the rest of the words and sentences around it.
In the first sentence, you should switch those two words around. In the last sentence, I think that you should end it at the word dormitory and cut out the rest of the sentence, since we are all smart enough to figure out what's going to happen next. It's just unnecessary added description.
Everyone was asleep.
Also, if it has been mentioned before, then you don't need to say that it has been mentioned before. Something along the lines of, "She sat at the window [b]seat near her bed." would be a bit better. And it should be a seat. Not many people can sit on a window sill comfortably, or even sit on it at all.
Does this mean that her face was glowing before? Because I don't remember you saying something like that.
First off, thoughts should be in italics. And secondly, you should say something like, "the words ran through her mind".
Lastly, I have trouble believing that someone as tired as you described just woke up like that.
This feels like it should be a thought.
I thought that you did good with this chapter. There is really one major problem though, and I think that I have mentioned this before.
The language that you use is somewhat juvenile. I am not trying to offend you, I am trying to help you, and sometimes it takes tough love, or tough reviews to do that.
It feels like you just throw this together and post it just to get something posted. I think that you need to spend more time working on your chapters before you post them. I know that you can do better than this. This is good, but I know that you can do great.
Peace,
HT
Thanks. I will take care of that. I already said in a few story books (the one which are officially published like HarryPotter) Jk Rowling used apostrophes instead of quotation marks.