z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Endless Part III

by HaleyPenguin


I stared into the barrel of the gun, trying to think of what to do. I took Marcy off my back, and set her on the ground. I reached for the straps of my backpack to take if off my shoulders. There was another loud bang, and the gun wielder turned his head back, to check on the source of the noise. Take action Ren! I punched the guy in the stomach; he dropped the gun and fell on the ground. I picked it up, and put it to his head. The guy stared back at me with fear in his eyes. His body was trembling, sweat dripped down his forehead, and his breath came out of his mouth as a whimper.

“Daniel!” a woman called. I stepped to the other side of the man so I’d have him and the woman both in my sights. She was standing in a doorway, her eyes frantically shooting from the man to me. Then I realized… she was pregnant.

“Ellen, go back inside!” Daniel yelled.

“Please!” She replied. “Please, Miss! Let him go!”

I took one last look at Ellen, and then looked back down at Daniel. “Is she your wife?”

“Y-Yes.” Daniel answered. “P-Please… Don’t hurt her. She’s pregnant….”

Marcy tugged on my shirt, I looked down at her. “She looks sick.” Marcy whispered. I looked up at Ellen and saw how pale and sweaty she was. If she doesn’t stay healthy… her baby will die… But why is that MY problem? It’s not. I could just leave. Take Marcy and get to safety, and leave them to die. But… what would I be teaching Marcy by doing that?

I set the gun down next to me and kneeled. “Don’t. Move.” I said to Daniel, and he nodded. I took the backpack off my shoulders, and opened it. I grabbed a bottle with 3 pills in it, a bottle of water, and a bag of carrots. I picked up the gun and handed the supplies to Marcy. “Take these to her.” I told Marcy. “And don’t you do anything stupid!” I yelled at Ellen. Marcy ran to Ellen, handed her the supplies, and ran back, clutching to my leg. “Get up.” I said to Daniel.

“Th-Thank you…” He said, picking himself up off the ground. I nodded my head towards Ellen, and he ran over to her. “We-We are very grateful to you… We owe you our lives.”

I took the bullets out of the shotgun, and handed it back to Daniel. “Don’t be so brave. What’s she going to do if you run into someone not so nice next time? Be more careful.” I put my bag back on my shoulders, and grabbed Marcy’s hand, and we ran down the street.

“Did we save them?” Marcy asked.

Did we? All I did was give them some food and medicine… But, maybe I gave them something to help them survive a little longer… “Yeah… We did.” I replied.

We walked the last few blocks to the safe house, and I got her inside. I was the only one that lived in this building. For how big it is, I’m surprised no one else has tried to get in. Marcy sat on the couch and I went into the kitchen, and put away the supplies I had gotten today. The safe house I’m in used to be an apartment for wealthy people. There was a nice living room with an L-shaped couch, wide screen TV, wood floors, and blue paint on the walls that’s chipped all over. There are 3 bedrooms, all with their own bathrooms, a bed, a closet, and at least one window. The kitchen has yellow wall paper, 12 cabinets, two sinks, a stove, and a dishwasher. There was a dining room at one point, but the ceiling caved in a few months ago.

I walked out to the living room, and saw Marcy looking at pictures on the wall. She turned to me and asked, “Is this your family?”

“No.” I replied. The pictures were of a family of three, a Mom, Dad, and a son. “This must’ve been the family that lived here before I did.”

“Oh… Where’s your family?”

“Well… I don’t really know.” That was a lie. I know exactly where they are, buried 10 feet under concrete. The first day of the disasters, I was walking home from school, when an earthquake hit us. When it was over, I ran home to see the building we were living in had collapsed. My Mom, Dad, and my two younger siblings were inside. No one who made it out of the building in time saw my older brother, Kellin, but it’s been so long, I don’t think he made it. But I can’t tell Marcy that. I don’t want her to worry about me, or the whereabouts of her father. “I think they’re all out there looking for me right now.”

“That’s good… I wonder if Daddy’s looking for me right now…”

“I bet he is. We’ll look for him in the morning.” She smiled, and I swear, it seemed to brighten up the room. The sun was almost down, so I took Marcy to a room, and lay her down on a bed. When her head hit the pillow, she was asleep. I shut her door, then went to the windows and closed them, then barricaded the doors. No one has gotten in here before, and I don’t want to risk the chance.

I walked into my room, and sat on the bed. What am I doing? I’ve never helped anyone before, but now that Marcy’s showed up, I’ve helped three people so far… I can’t keep doing this. I’m going to run out of supplies very quickly. You’re doing the right thing. Your family would be proud. Would they? Or would they be ashamed that I’m wasting everything I have on people I don’t know instead of keeping it to take care of myself? I stood up and went to the window, and looked out on the decaying town. This is the world that everyone is living in, including Marcy and I. Being kind every once in a while would be good. Give people a little hope to hang onto. Maybe I might even be able to save lives… That’s what I want. I want to help people now. Not for my benefit… But for Marcy.


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896 Reviews


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 3:30 pm
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PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hola!

Thanks for posting this excellent review day.

“I punched the guy in the stomach; he dropped the gun and fell on the ground.” Why does he fall to the ground from one punch to the stomach? Let alone drop his gun? You’d have to kick him in the unmentionables for that to happen, at the very least.

I don’t like all of your ellipses at all, they’re too close together, particularly in coupling with the bolded action statement. You’re slowing down the movement of the narrative in a really unpleasant way for your reader.

Why do they run down the street after? Do they need to run; is there a reason for it beyond not wanting to be shot in the back suddenly?

I like the description, although I think you could smooth it out to cover a longer distance through the chapter. Let us see her putting the things away as she thinks to herself rather than a paragraph of description of a kitchen. I’d also like to see some stuff about how it smells or feels. If the ceiling has caved in, does it smell damp or like concrete, does she worry about the stability of some rooms in particular? Does she cordon off the back bathroom because it started to leak three days after she moved in? I like these kinds of details because they give us something more into the psychology of Ren as well as the place she’s in at the same time. What we really need is a little more interesting description rather than just the basics.

Thanks for writing this. I really like where you’re going with it.
-Penguin.




HaleyPenguin says...


Thanks :)



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Tue Sep 10, 2013 4:02 pm
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Messenger wrote a review...



This chapter is really good! I like how it shows more of Ren's background, what's going through her head, her struggle to do right, and Marcy is a lovable character from the time you meet her.
I saw a few times again where your writing was in present, mostly in the last paragraph.
I like how you give so much detailed description of the house. Normally I might be bored by that much description, but it makes perfect sense because Ren has been there so long, she would know everything about the house.
Great job.
Keep it up!




HaleyPenguin says...


thank you so much :)




ask not what u can do for ur bones but of what ur bones can do for u
— Carina