Raindrops
Once, far up in the sky, lived the sky kingdom. This kingdom had riches beyond your wildest dreams, from money growing on the trees to dresses that would make you blind if it was in the light. The fluffy clouds underneath your feet felt like pillows, with each step you took, your foot would sink deep into the cushion. The wind brushed against your face and combed your hair back into a giant wave. When you walked around, you heard music, music that danced throughout your ears and the flutes chimed in your mind, which made you spin in a circle and hum to yourself. The people rushed towards the castle that sat above the ground, standing tall so everyone could see its grand interior.
You ran towards the castle, your eyes widened with awe as the gates opened towards the public. You strolled in, glancing around at everything; your eyes took in everything bright and colourful. You come to a halt when you notice the garden, the psychedelic colours burning your eyes as you squinted and reached out towards one random flower. Your fingers got caught in the weeds and you groaned, rolling your eyes and dug out your hand.
As you done this, your ears picked up loud thunderous feet storming towards the garden. You froze, daring not to look back in fear it might’ve been the guard within the area and he might had saw you picking one of the royal flowers. You panicked, sweat rolled down your cheeks and your hands worked at a quick pace, placing the flower in the somewhat correct place. As they came closer, you hid under your arms, not wanting any trouble.
However, they walked right passed you as if you were invisible. You sighed heavily and slumped towards the ground, watching the men in black march toward the grand door. The loud thud echoed throughout the gardens and all noise paused, not a person was moving.
The door opened, revealing the grand king himself. His jewels hung from his neck and his crown sat in his head, the diamonds glinted brightly when the sun touched it. Your eyes watched as he stepped out, the blue on his cap was like the night time shad, and walked towards the men. His voice was low, a mere murmur, however his actions was striking. His figure jabbed into one of the men’s chests, the wild movements of his hands caused people to drop their belongings.
A loud crash began to erupt below you, the clouds erupting with thunder. The men laughed and pulled out their swords, tempting the king to fight. He glared and his sword was drawn, standing in the now dim sunlight waiting for the fight to begin. One of the men counted to three, the wind picked up and whipped your hair around as if it was a fire.
The loud clashes of the swords began to make the cloud light up; a bolt of lightning came off the king’s weapon a landed on the ground. Their feet jumped from each attack, the thunder crashed below you. Your mind had enough of the fighting, so for an unknown reason you stood, running towards the fight and stepped in the middle, pushing them apart and glaring at each one. However, the man pushed you aside, sending you to tumble down the staircase and you landed on your head.
You weren’t out but blood began to ooze from your face. It dripped from your fingertips and felt sticky when on your hand. People rushed over to, helping you sit up and offered you something to drink. You refused and walked out of the castle gates and toward your home. You stumbled with your key but managed to unlock the door, collapsing on the soft floor below you. You head felt heavy and your mind began to drain out all the contents you’ve ever known and the only thought in your mind was sleep.
You felt your eyes go heavy and the world of inky blackness consumed your world. You gave in, falling into a deep sleep.
The rain never stopped when you went, the king and the man finally realized when a woman complained. Now a giant argument had gone underway, the king yelling at his fellow people and wanted to be listened to. However, everyone ignored him, shutting their switches off whenever he spoke. He went depressed and reclined his position as king, which made the man in charge of the kingdom in the sky.
He made everything lighter, the atmosphere and aura around the new king was welcoming but there was something missing. Love. Passion. The kingdom was missing you; it was never the same again.
The clouds cried its tears last night, it cried because it missed you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi there! Future here to review your work. Nice job on this piece- it's very original. There were a couple of grammatical errors here, though. First of all, in multiple places you have a verb ending in "ing" and a verb ending in "ed," which is incorrect. If you are writing in the past tense, both of them should end in "ed." Ex: "People rushed over to, helping you sit up and offered you something to drink." (Also, there should be a "you" after "to.") In the sentence, "The loud thud echoed throughout the gardens and all noise paused, not a person was moving," you have misused the comma before "not a person." Change it either to "paused, and..." or use a semicolon instead of the comma. Right now that is incorrect grammar. In your sentence, "This kingdom had riches beyond your wildest dreams, from money growing on the trees to dresses that would make you blind if it was in the light," the word "dresses" is plural, but the pronoun, ("it") referring to dresses is not. "It" should instead be "they." I noticed two spelling errors: "finger" was written "figure" and "shade" was written "shad." I don't usually like not understanding the point of a piece until the last two sentences, but, in this case, it worked. Good job!
P.s. Are you from England? You spelled "colors" "colours," which I know is the English spelling.
Hey and thank you for this! I'm actually from Australia.
Hi SunsetSprite! Here to review your short story on this marvellous review day on behalf of the GREEN LANTERNS! I will review as I read so that it will make a little more sense to both you and me.
Here goes!
I love the description in your opening paragraph! Its' great! I can see everything in my mind.
“The people rushed towards the castle that sat above the ground, standing tall so everyone could see its grand interior.” - I think you mean 'exterior' unless this castle is just made of glass!
“As you done this, your ears picked up loud thunderous feet storming towards the garden.” - You need to change the word 'done' to 'did'.
“The clouds cried its tears last night, it cried because it missed you.” - This is a wonderful way to end. It's sweet and sad all at the same time.
I would recommend looking at your POV. I'm not quite sure who is speaking throughout the entire piece. I would also recommend checking over your spellings really carefully before you post in future.
I know how hard this is when you are so excited to just get your ideas down in paper! I find reading my work aloud helps me hear the mistakes that I hadn't initially seen.
Good luck! I hope to read more!
Olive <3
Thank you for this!
Hi I'm Celticmusicgirl, but you may call me Celtic for short and I'll be reviewing this piece today. I am mostly going to start with what I really liked about this piece.
To start with, I love the description in the first paragraph. You really gave me a mental picture of the scene.
I did pick up a few small errors. 1.)"You ran towards the castle, your eyes widened with awe as the gates opened towards the public. You strolled in, glancing around at everything; your eyes took in everything bright and colourful." Here I noticed that you first said ran then strolled and I just wondered when the MC slowed down to a stroll instead of a run. another thing I noticed is that my spellcheck here on YWS says that colourful is misspelled. I think it is colorful but correct me if I'm wrong.
2.)"As you done this, your ears picked up loud thunderous feet storming towards the garden." I think it should be "did" instead of "done".
3.)"You froze, daring not to look back in fear it might’ve been the guard within the area and he might had saw you picking one of the royal flowers." Here I think you meant "have seen."
4.) "However, they walked right passed you as if you were invisible." I think you meant "past."
Ok, to sum it all up I really liked your description of the place and what was happening, but you simply need to watch for those commonly misspelled words. Don't worry though, that's normal I think. The only major thing I noticed was that I don't know exactly who or what these people are. Are they elves like in the Lord of the Rings series or some other beings? Maybe you could just clarify a bit.
Please do not think me harsh. I really like this piece. It is very interesting. You had a very nice beginning. It gave information, but at the same time it kept the reader's interest.
My advice, other than what I have already stated, would be to enjoy what you write. If you enjoy what you write then people will most likely enjoy reading it. It is the same in the opposite way. If you post something that you hated, it is likely that most readers will not like it.
Thank you! This help me!
I did enjoy writing this, actually. It was in my head for a while until I began to write it up. XD I'm glad people are thinking it's interesting.
Also, they're just normal people living in the sky! Like...Like the middle ages people!
This story was very interesting and as a reader, I found it preluded to my own idea of the 'sky's kingdom.' However, I feel the begining was slightly rushed in terms of creating the setting. That being said, I think you are a great writer. Keep working hard!
Thank you very much!
How'd you like a review? XD
This was an interesting story, I felt though that as a whole it seemed like you changed your mind on how you had wanted to write it, and it leaves quite a lot unexplained/confusing for your reader. And if you didn't change your mind, it still left a lot of things unanswered, and I'd really suggest looking though it carefully, reading it to yourself, re-digesting it, lol. And then you know figuring out how to place some things, because it was a great start, but as it continued, it seemed strange and not really flowing naturally.
That first paragraph was really exquisite. I liked how you worded it, and how it started, it made me think that this place was going to be about a wonderful dream-land, and while it was creative to bring it crashing down, I still think that it could have had that twist, but with a bit more detail and placing in order to help the reader understand the purpose of it all and what you meant.
Also just a little note, it's really hard writing present for works like this, and you really tried to make it seem present, which I commend you for. But watch out, cause it is in past tense and it's easy to make a mistake and switch tenses.
Little things/nitpicks:
should/could be:
"As you did this"
Or
"As you had done this"
I would suggest:
"sweat rolled down your brow"
I don't think this one is so important, just as I was reading it I was thinking, hmm, this is strange is all, because tears are often depicted to roll down ones cheek, but I guess sweat could too? Although mainly sweat rolls down the side of ones face. You could also write:
"sweat rolled down the side of your face" although that's a bit long. XP Up to you though!
I'd suggest:
"the shade of blue on his cap was just like night time" Or something like that.
I'd suggest:
"the man pushed you aside, sending you tumbling down the staircase, landing you on your head."
Or the that last line (about the head landing) could stay put.
I'd suggest:
I'd suggest:
"and all the noise stopped, not a person stirred."
Just a suggestion.
Overall this was a good story though, I liked the descriptive language you used. And it was a very interesting read. Do keep it up! XD
--Keep writing and dreaming. Hope this helped!
Thank you for this! It help me!
Sorry I didn't even finish some of my tips! XP Glad it helped though!
XD
Well this was interesting. It kind of makes sense
It does? Thanks!
Hi there!
And the final line was very poetic. Except it should be "they cried because they missed you", because "clouds" is a plural.
Wow, I really love this story, it was very intriguing. All I found wrong really were grammatical mistakes which I have listed below
So first off, I like your opening line. I would put a comma after "trees", and it should be, "to dresses that would make you blind if they were in the light."
I like the imagery of the hair being combed into a wave, and the clouds like cushions underfoot, but I would start a new sentence after, "You ran towards the castle." And I'm not sure about the repetition of "everything" in the second paragraph.
This sentence: "Your fingers got caught in the weeds and you groaned, rolling your eyes and dug out your hand" would work better as: "Your fingers got caught in the weeds, and you groaned, rolling your eyes and digging out your hand."
This: "As you done this" should be "As you did this."
This sentence is slightly too long and the grammar needs tweaking:
"You froze, daring not to look back in fear it might’ve been the guard within the area and he might had saw you picking one of the royal flowers."
This should be:
"You froze, daring not to look back for fear it might’ve been the guard within the area. He might have seen you picking one of the royal flowers."
Also, this: "they walked right passed you", should be: "they walked right past you".
This: "His voice was low, a mere murmur, however his actions were striking." should be: "His voice was low, a mere murmur, however his actions were striking."
And you should really capitalise "king".
You've written "erupt" twice in one sentence in the seventh last paragraph.
This: "a landed on the ground" should be "and landed on the ground."
"People rushed over to," should be, "People rushed over to you."
"You head felt heavy", should be, "Your head felt heavy."
You've also repeated "world" in one sentence, so just watch out for that.
Also "he went depressed" doesn't really make sense, you don't go depressed, you become depressed or fall into depression. "Reclined" also doesn't make sense in this context.
I particularly liked the second last paragraph! Very nice
Overall, I really enjoyed this!
Keep writing!
Bethan
Thank you for this! I wrote it at 10pm and I was tired so...Yeah. I'm glad you liked it!