When the sun goes down and the lights burn out
Then it's time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star
So shine no matter where you are.
Living my days up here has made me think about a lot of things. Things like friendship, love, trust and you’re human emotions. I’ve never seen such a change throughout history in my life before, yet it’s always in front of me. I wish I could get all of your attention, every last drop of it. Unfortunately though, I’m forced out of my own will to live in this empty place high above your very head.
So, who am I? Well, I should probably tell you but I have no clue how. You see, I’m staring into a star right now. Its brightness is hurting my eyes and every time I blink they throb. Stupid star! Everything is stupid about this place! Gosh, even my looks are idiotic. Normal people like me have hair colour matching their jobs, so pretty much if you’re one of the Snow People your hair is white and if you’re a Bird Guardian your hair is such a muddy colour. Not me though, not this strange thing living in the vast area of space. You see, my hair is green. So are my eyes. In fact, everything of mine is green. Even this puffy dress that I’m forced to waddle around in!
Okay, I’ll tell you why I’m complaining about my appearance. It’s because of the fact that I’m the Princess of Space, Time and Universe.
You see why I’m mad right now? I should be high class looking! You know, that like that queen you guys go over so dearly for no given reason at all. I should have a sparkly dress that makes me seem like I’m a God or some fairy granting the little girls wishes. Plus, my hair should be black.
What is with this universe?
Seriously though, what is up with this place? Where’s the action? Party even? Nowhere, that’s it. The only company I have in this place are The Planets and Black Hole. Not that they’re bad or anything, The Planets are really funny people, but Black Hole is seriously annoying. Do you have any idea how many messes I have to clean up after him? Okay, let me put it this way, if I had that thing you humans call a dollar, I’ll be millionaire!
Speaking of that prick, Black Hole is smirking at me. He’s just leaning against Sun, laughing as Sun looks at him strangely. You know, you can tell the difference between twins. That’s right, Black Hole and Sun are the opposite twins.
Sun is such a sweetie, always smiling and laughing with joy at everything. I swear, every time he ends up laughing his hair always glows a brighter yellow. He’s a kind hearted person that always cares for all The Planets, especially Earth. He has the biggest crush on her it isn’t funny. He does cause trouble but not as much as you may expect. Unfortunately though, he has to put up with Black Hole.
This guy, Black Hole, could be the biggest prick in the entire universe and that’s coming from me! You see, unlike Sun, Black Hole always has this mischievous look in his eyes, like when a human child stuck gum into the sibling’s hair without them knowing. For as long as I can remember, his thick hair has always covered up the left side of his face. It’s a scary thing to look at really, only staring into one eye when you’re talking to this rude guy. How much trouble does he cause? Let’s just say his middle name is trouble.
Unbelievable!
So, as I was saying before, Black Hole is just leaning against Sun with this giant smirk painted across his face. I raise an eye brow, walking towards him. I ask him what’s with the look and he laughs, pointing to the one thing I dreaded. Oh no, please don’t cause trouble for them, Black Hole! He catches a ride on a meteorite, zooming past me and over to the destination.
Great! Now I have to go after him! Just perfect! He’s going to the space humans, the ones that we’re not supposed to glance at! Or rather them glancing at us! Black Hole!
I hop onto a shooting star, rushing towards Black Hole. Good grief, my hair is so messy now. I don’t want to fix it! Anyway, the star catches up to his meteorite which gives the advantage!
I stand on the star, holding out both of my arms to balance myself out and glaring at Black Hole. Sun, somehow, is on my side right now and holding my hands. I couldn’t help but blush at this, but I shook my head. This is not the time to be thinking that type of thing! I should be stopping this guy from letting humans see us! So, I jump, landing on the meteorite and snatching his arm.
Black Hole is so stupid! He’s just grinning at me! Wait, why is he grinning?
I dart my eyes to the left, seeing that you humans are taking what is called a ‘spacewalk’. I stop, forgetting to hide somewhere and just stare at you pathetic beings. How pathetic. Honestly, why are you so bewildered over some boring planet like Earth? Look, I’m not saying that it’s ugly or anything, far from the fact, I’m just saying that it gets really boring after a while. Your face of utter fascination with that worthless planet blows me away.
At the corner of my eye I spot Black Hole sneaking up to the humans. I squeak, rushing up to him and somehow ending up on the human’s helmet. I grip the edges and move my head and a brisk motion.
Oh great! Someone help me! Help!
However, as it turns out, Black Hole isn’t going up to the humans but to the moon. Why is he going to the moon for? Then it hits me, Luna! That’s right; Luna is his onetime favourite girl ever! Cute, am I right?
He hugs her tightly, her light blue hair bouncing with the movement. I let go of the helmet and allow myself to float away like some feather. My thoughts calm down and I smile.
Love always exists for everyone.
Brighter than a shooting star
Shine no matter where you are, tonight.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hi! This was a really sweet story, and very light-hearted. You've done a good job, and the plot is interesting and original.
I have a few things I'd like to point out, however.
I think you were going for 'I'm forced against my will to live...', perhaps? It doesn't quite make sense as is.
For this sentence, I'd try something along the lines of 'Normally, people like me have hair colour which matches their job'.
This doesn't exactly make sense. I think maybe 'You know, like that queen you guys are so obsessed with for no given reason' or 'You know, like that queen you goes love so dearly for no reason at all'. Something like that, maybe?
A grammatical error here- it should be '...who always cares for all the planets.' 'Who' wouldn't actually be italicised, I just did so to highlight it.
Here, I'd say 'Or rather, they're not meant to glance at us' or something to that description.
Just be careful not to overuse exclamation marks either.
I hope this helped, and let me know if you have any questions. Keep it up!
Hello SunsetSprite,
okay, this is a very cute and a very mind boggling story. The thing about stories based on songs is that you must not steer the actual story to the songs tune, rather it should incorporate some of the themes the song in question has. I really liked the fact that you didn't bombard the whole write-up with song references, which wouldn't have been good.
You have to concentrate a little bit more on grammar.
*your.
or,
...look in his eyes, like a human child sticking gum into his sibling's hair without him knowing. (maybe?)
The ambiance of the story is quite lively and energetic although the princess is supposedly sad/upset about her job, which doesn't exactly pose a problem seeing that the whole story has this very lyrical effect, like a children's poem.
Anyway, I think it's very raw stuff and, with a little polish, can shine.
Take care,
Unconsoled.
Thank you! This helps me!
Hey there SunsetSprite! :3


First of all, I absolutely love your story!
At first I was quite confused about what was going on :/ But I slowly caught the rhythm and OH GOD I LOVE THE ENDING.
"He hugs her tightly, her light blue hair bouncing with the movement. I let go of the helmet and allow myself to float away like some feather. My thoughts calm down and I smile.
Love always exists for everyone.
Brighter than a shooting star
Shine no matter where you are, tonight."
^Yep, that's my favorite!
I love the theme and I love it how you personified celestial bodies. There aren't any grammatical errors. i don't think there is anything that needs editing.
Amazing job! Keep it up!
~Gigi
Thank you very much!