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12+ Violence

I had warned you.

by StoneHeart


Ice and fire, cold desire

never before has the time been so dire

whispering to me in the night,

wandering away from the light.


Ice cold fire,

burning hate and endless ire,

deathly cold and silvered with mold,

rotting and dying; the victorious bold.


I had warned you,

I had shown you,

nothing awaited you out there,

nothing that I could not bear.


I will offer once again,

I will plead you not to win,

I will show you what you'll find,

if you go and kill so blind.


Whisper whisper in the night,

you are losing a long lost fight,

killing burning, destroying and more,

never again will you find an open door.


I betray you,

I deny you,

I will hate you,

I despise you.


But don't tell that I didn't warn you,

don't try to make me feel like I was wrong,

don't, no don't, because you're wrong.

Whisper whisper, firelight,

we all know you're long gone now,

but I refuse to shed a tear,

I refuse to show my fear . . .

but soon they will know,

and soon they'll see,

all the weakness inside of me.


Weakness, weakness, weakness more,

hurt me, kill me, but don't hate me,

show me fear and terror or,

I'll have to die the slowest death.


And that is something I cannot bear.


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Thu Nov 07, 2013 3:38 pm
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Hannah wrote a review...



Hey there, Black! The third of your promised reviews from the KotGR contest has, at long last, arrived!

I want to start out by saying there are some places where the rhythm of this piece absolutely ROCKS. I love especially this passage:

Whisper whisper in the night,

you are losing a long lost fight,


I think it's the powerful single-syllable words in a triplet at the end of the second line of the couplet that drive it home. Like someone slapping their fist into their palm three times in a row, just driving that home. But Pinguini's right that your rhyme and rhythm are all over the place, which means these powerful moments are kind of drowned out by the other moments where your readers are stumbling to try to catch the flow.

You know how you hear music and you sometimes have to hear a few lines to catch on to the beat when it's complicated? Well, poetry has a rhythm like that, too. If it's easy and straight forward, we fall right into it, and it drives us along through the text. If it's always changing and switching directions, we can't get into it, and that leaves us more distanced from the text that we'd necessarily have to be, you know?

The other thing I'd like to see in an edit of this would be an attempt at removing some element of how vague it is. Right now, I'll be honest, I have no idea what this is about when I finish reading it. And no, I don't have to know the meaning of every single poem I read, but when I don't know the meaning, I personally can't really pull anything memorable away from it, and it doesn't move anything in me. For me, poetry's about hitting me somewhere, and is especially excellent if I remember it. So getting the actual meat of the meaning in there would be really helpful, I think!

Anyway, those are my suggestions. Hope they can be useful. If you have any questions or comments about my review, just let me know.
Good luck, and always keep writing!




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Wed Oct 30, 2013 9:25 am
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PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hola BlackNether!

I love that you're writing poetry. It'a always so exciting to know that people are working with and creating poetry around the site because it is a beautiful and expressive medium. I can see that you're utilising the form to create a work which is likely very important to you, there is a definitive sense of seriousness and meaning in the work and I think you should be really pleased that it gets through.

Okay, to the hard bits;

Your rhyme is all over the place and it is way awkward because it completely ruins your rhythm and flow. This coupled with the repetition of several words throws out the meaning you have because we have to reread and reevaluate what you've said before. The repetitions and mixed rhyme are holding back your poem so strongly. I'd completely forget about both and instead focus on maintaining your imagery consistently across the poem as a whole. If you regulate your imagery then you have the opportunity to really grab your reader's attention and keep it, from word one to the end. Consider which images are your most effective by reading this aloud - notice which images you repeatedly go back to in your stanzas and isolate them, compound them into one or two meaningful experiences. This is a reverse way to go about proving imagery for your poem. Usually we run with Experience - Emotion - Image, but I want you to do the reverse. You have images, work out what you mean and then decide what the experience is all about. We need stronger images to maintain the idea you're threading through this poem.

In summary I think you should cut this down by condensing your imagery and ensuring that each piece of information is specific and necessary. Let me know if you make any changes to this, if you have any questions or queries or wanna chat, please hit me up.

- Penguin




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Mon Oct 07, 2013 4:18 pm
ajruby12 wrote a review...



Hey! ajruby12 here for a review!
Ok, I loved the imagery on this and all the description you used, but just one thing.
What's the point???
I personally like to read a poem with a point and I just didn't understand this one. So yeah.. But that's my opinion and I'm sure there's thousands of people that would chew me out for saying that..
But this was a really great poem! :) Keep up the writing!!

-Lady Ariana, The Silver Knight




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Mon Oct 07, 2013 1:59 am
Messenger wrote a review...



The Messenger Knight here with the first of three promised KotGR reviews.
So, this was beautiful. I couldn't stop reading it. You had such imagery, such descriptiveness, and such detail. I thought it sounded like a . . . like something that could very easily be in a poem book, that is how good I thought it was. And your rhyming was really good as well.
I thought there were some spots where you could use commas instead of periods, but I don't think that there were any where you had to. Overall I was very impressed and loved it.
Keep it up!




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Sat Sep 21, 2013 12:59 am
wildwildcat wrote a review...



Hello Black, wildwildcat here for a review!
First, off I was strongly reminded of Robert Frost's quote of "some say the world will end in fire. Some say in ice..." This isn't bad, just an observation of mine.

You have some interesting recurring themes with the repetition of "ice" and "fire" early on, but the poem slowly turns into what I have to assume is a warning to someone. (?)

I'm sorry that I lack the ability to interpret your poem, but I'm honestly unsure of my ability. That being said, you have some fun rhymes that rhythmically work and creates an ominous mood.

The title, is intriguing as it leads the reader into a deeper analysis of the meaning behind it. I am curious to know what ideas were in your head when you wrote this.

All in all, this is a well-written rhyming piece with a good flow to the words. It was fun, it made you think, I liked it.






Ahha! Very good.

Just what I wanted to hear.

:D

Thanks for the feedback!



wildwildcat says...


No problem! I hope you can get to my review soon? I posted on your thread. :D



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Sun Aug 04, 2013 6:12 pm
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Clarity wrote a review...



Well, here I am to do a review!

Firstly, I really enjoyed it. It had a nice rhythm set to it and flowed quite nicely.

I wasn’t too sure about your rhyming scheme, it threw me off a little because there was a whole lot of it, but nevertheless, it was a mighty fine poem.

I’m only going to quote the parts where I have something to say, I’ll sum everything else up at the end.

So, let’s get to the actual reviewing part of a review.

Ice and fire, cold desire,
never before has the time been so dire
whispering to me in the night,
wandering away from the light.

I’m gonna assume that this is one stanza, as I recognise the weird format YWS does. And it looks like you ended the stanza here. Anyway, your rhyming is good here because it all links together and doesn’t seem too forced.

Ice cold fire,
burning hate and endless ire,
deathly cold and silvered with mold,
rotting and dying; the victorious bold.

I really like how you arranged everything here. It’s smart of you to link together mould and rotting, as mould is generally the result of something rotting. (Mould/mold, they’re both the same, I think it’s just regional spelling differences.)

I will offer once again,
I will plead you not to win,

I will show you what you'll find,
if you go and kill so blind.

You disrupt your rhyming scheme in the part I put in bold. Sometimes this can be good, but I’d advise, that if you are going to disrupt the rhyming scheme, then do it with the whole stanza. It makes it sound weird. I do it myself a lot, and it can be hard to find a different word to use in order to correct the rhyming scheme, or to get rid of it in that stanza completely; sometimes it’s difficult to find a different word because they don’t convey what you’re wanting to say, or it doesn’t match the vocabulary you have used throughout the whole poem. So I guess trial and error is best if you want to change this.

Whisper whisper in the night,
you are losing a long lost fight,
killing burning, destroying and more,

never again will you find an open door.

This is a good stanza, and the first three lines are really good, but ‘more’ and ‘door’ seriously sounds like you couldn’t find another word to rhyme. And the vocabulary doesn’t do your poem justice. You could probably get away with keeping “…and more, never again…” but “…will you find an open door.” Not so much. It decreases the quality of the verse and even a small glitch can make a big impact on the entire poem.

I betray you,
I deny you,
I will hate you,
I despise you.

The direct address works extremely well here. Reading it, I felt like you were personally addressing me. Well done, this stanza fits in perfectly with the rest of the poem.

Also, you ditched the rhyming scheme completely here, but that’s good! Why? Because this type of emotion doesn’t want any distraction; it doesn’t need to fit in with the whole rhyme because it stands out on its own.

But don't tell that I didn't warn you,
don't try to make me feel like I was wrong,
don't, no don't, because you're wrong.

This also disrupts your rhyming… but, personally, I think you make up for it by using some repetition. You’re emphasising the whole ‘wrongness’ by repeating the word in two ways.
One being that you deny being wrong, and two being you accusing someone else of being wrong. It’s wonderful!

Whisper whisper, firelight,
we all know you're long gone now,
but I refuse to shed a tear,
I refuse to show my fear . . .
but soon they will know,
and soon they'll see,
all the weakness inside of me.

Your rhyme has deteriorated towards the end of the poem, it’s like you just threw it in after you wrote something, because you forgot that you were supposed to have a rhyming scheme. But, nevertheless, I still liked this. Just minus the rhyme. It fits together nicely.

And I get the feeling I’m going to be contradicting myself at the end of this review.

Weakness, weakness, weakness more,
hurt me, kill me, but don't hate me,
show me fear and terror or,
I'll have to die the slowest death.
And that is something I cannot bear.

See, this is brilliant! And you don’t have any rhyming! I really like this stanza. It concludes the poem to an excellent standard. Well done!


Well, I’ve commented on the whole poem, I hope I helped you. Now, I am just going to sum everything up and hopefully clear up anything you weren’t sure about, that I said.

Okay, advice time. Ditch the rhyming, it’s all wishy washy and makes me want to bang my head against the desk. But, that’s my opinion. Don’t change it because I said so, keep it if you really want, but I think it really decreases the quality of the whole poem. Even though I have written some rhyming poetry before, I really hate rhyming poems. They cause the controversy because some people like the way you used the rhyme, and others hate the way you use it.

I didn’t notice and grammatical errors, so you seem to have done perfectly fine there.
Like I’ve mentioned several times, the rhyming is something I don’t like. The only thing that needs sorting out, I think, is the format. And I know you told me to ignore the formatting, because YWS probably changed it. But, for the sake of your readers, and for the sake of the poem; edit the format. It’ll make everything read so much easier.


Overall, it was a nice poem. I enjoyed it. The concept seems interesting and well portrayed. You managed to portray what you wanted, successfully, without having to be so obvious about it, so well done.

Oh! About thinking I was going to contradict myself, where you start off with “Whisper, whisper, firelight,” the rhyming kind of works with it, so… whatever you choose to do, it could work; but only for a certain audience.

But again, I do suggest ditching the rhyme. Again, just my opinion and a good one at that.

Anyway, I hope I helped you! Good luck with your future writing and don’t ever stop!

-Clarity’xo




Clarity says...


Oh, and sorry for the late post. I got sidetracked with other stuff!



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Sat Aug 03, 2013 4:49 am
deleted17 wrote a review...



That's a...bit... morbid. I don't see what the narrator is trying to say. Truth be told I would think it's talking about a condemned death sentence. Almost like the narrator is trying to say that he/she has to do this, like they're an assassin, and that after all the people they had to kill, it wears them down... *Facepalms* I'm an idiot. That is what I think the poem is about.

On to the review.

Well worded and written, it has deep meanings that makes you think. I liked it.

You my friend, are a great poetry writer... *Lightbulb*Can you do prophecy's? PM is want to try something out.

I really do hope for more in the future, and I'm not a great poem reader. Always had appreciated it.

With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader.






*due.

:D

You got it pretty close. It's about WAR, not assassins. :P And I suck at poetry!



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Thu Aug 01, 2013 12:24 am
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Aley wrote a review...



So, I'm not 100% sure why you wanted a review on this, whether it was because you wanted someone to give it to you straight, or because you wanted to see what I thought, but I'll assume it was someone to give it to you straight.

This poem has a lot of overused things in it, like fire as cold as ice, and some of the phrasing, such as "I told you so" which is basically what this poem is saying. In some ways, you've managed to create new ways of saying these things, like cold desire. I like cold desire. I don't like Ice and fire. Personally it does nothing to the mood of the poem, and it doesn't help set up anything. All it does is lead into your comment that there is an ice cold fire, which cold desire actually says much cleaner. Just to show you something, this is your rhyme pattern for this poem: aabbaaccddeefghhbbiieeeeebjklmmimind Obviously, there are some inconsistancies. First thing first, we go aa bb aa cc, we expect aa again because it's already been every other one is the first one. That's forgivable, dd, NOW we expect cc thinking it's the start of the next one. instead, we get another couplet, that's acceptable, ee, but then fg? that was 'again' and 'win' by the way, those two don't rhyme, at all, when I say them. I don't know if your vowels are shifted enough for them to be acceptable when you read them, but it sounds very different for me. After that we seem to be following the pattern alright, until we get to you, you, you... five time. Five yous in a row. Now, repeating last words in a rhyme scheme is somewhat taboo, but five times? That bothered me, especially since everything was in couplets, even the fact that two things didn't rhyme.

I wouldn't mind the rhyme scheme so much if the poem was a little more subtle about it, but when you've got fire and desire, and you use fire and ice to set up the poem, it is really, really obvious, and it sounds very forced. I liked it better, surprisingly enough, when you seemed to break the rhyme scheme and I stopped caring about it. It took a little while since I've been working on structured poetry lately and I kept looking for a pattern, but the poem was more enjoyable without the rhymes. It still had it's common things, but it was alright.

Another thing in this poem that bothered me because it reminded me of novice things was that you had the same phrase structure repeated so close together (e1-5) without really needing to. It's easy enough to make a list, I hated, despised, and betrayed you without going through the hassle of reading the same line over and over again. In a way, this became the same monotonous beating of whatever this guy told her, into my own head instead of hers. It was amusing, by the end that I was annoyed and frustrated with him, just like the person who left and didn't believe him. It was a great way to build his character, and supplement showing instead of telling, but I'm not sure that was the original intent.

That being said, don't make it worse. I'd stop reading half way through. Actually, what I would like to suggest you do with this poem is chop it in half. Something Skorlir once told me while we were surveying a poem I was fiddling with, was that there was a woman who said she took out everything she loved about her poems, and that was her finished product. I'd like to see you do this because some of these lines feel more like they were written to be said, instead of written to create a message. Just take out the things that you think are pretty, and not necessary to the poem. I think you'll find a poem that is nearly crying in despair from the loss of this other individual, instead of a raving mad boyfriend who's trying to drag someone back kicking and screaming.

Oh, most importantly, use white text to break the poem up into the proper formatting. If you know the HTML to code text white, just use xs or whatever you want, dashes if you must. If you don't, just use the color box for text.






Ouch.



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Wed Jul 31, 2013 11:54 pm
KnightTeen wrote a review...



Black, wow. Just wow. And don't curse or kill the formatting, it works really well here. (Although, truth be told, there are times when I want to enlist you in a murder plot.)

You've managed to capture something..........Jeez, I can't even find the words to describe it. It's like you dug into one of the darkest parts of your soul to find the words for this. That thought does scare me a little, but truth be told I think that we've all felt like this at some point. (This is why I love dramatic poetry.)

And I think that people can relate to it in some way, even if it's just one or two lines. I personally can relate to it.

I really don't see anything that I can criticize. Except maybe line seventeen (I think that it's seventeen anyway), and this is more of a personal quirk of mine then me pointing out an actual mistake, but I think that you should separate the two "Whispers" with a comma. It just looks a little weird to me without them.

And it felt a little choppy on the longer lines, but truth be told I'm not sure I want to change that since I feel that the choppy parts add to the work rather than take away. It can be a little weird to read a times, but you counterbalance the long lines with the short ones really well, so in the end it all fits.

I love this, by the way. You're writing is amazing.

Happy Writing!
HT




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Wed Jul 31, 2013 8:45 pm
umaima says...



Wow






Overdoing the comment size?



umaima says...


What I actually meant to day was.
I am just speechless... for a person who says "I don't write poems much" writing such a fabulously amazing poem which definitely, positively and absolutely made my say 'wow'
*(learn to read between the lines black, it helps :P)



umaima says...


say* not day





*is insulted ;)



umaima says...


* hits head in water* :P



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Wed Jul 31, 2013 6:33 pm
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StoneHeart says...



DIE FORMATTING! >> Don't mind the formatting.






Trust me buddy, I understand. XP





Kdar. It's crazy: in HTML code mode I can get the preview to do the formatting work right, but when I actually post it, my code doesn't save! MADDENING!



Aley says...


use white colored text.





Meh, use <br> -_-




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