Mystic, cryptic, lost and old
never known but always bold.
Sliver of light,
a blacksmith's fight, a fight to win or lose his gold.
Fire flashed on flaming walls,
ice and wind swept through the halls,
a friend forever, dead and unheard;
burnt and destroyed with a single word.
A lust for gold
brought only mold,
a mold of the mind
as it loses it's hold.
A thousand eyes, tired and lost,
can see no more than a single man.
The difference between payment and cost,
one for money, the other for gold.
Burn and steal,
hoard the gold,
defend with steel
and fight not the mold.
Death will find you, creeping in,
seeping through the cracks within;
dooming you to a fight you can't win,
a war between your hope and sin.
I will watch you crash and burn,
laughing as you're forced to learn;
to learn and find the truth inside,
and with it find a way to abide.
Laughter echoes in the night,
as you slowly lose a final fight.
All the gold in the world can't buy
a single life, as hard as you try.
In the end you simply see,
the thing and being that you could be,
but forever your past will haunt you,
prodding away with all that is true.
Last choice unmade,
your life does fade;
choose wisely now,
or lose everything -as forever re-known.
Fall to darkness . . .
. . . or light.
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A popular opinion of this poem is the natural flow. I feel obliged to concur as it read wonderfully in my mind. The first line spiked my interest and I could not help but indulge in what was a very interesting and abstract piece of work. My interpretation seems to be a choice between what path you will take, good or evil, which is interesting as inner demons can sometimes go to battle and you are not sure which way to go.
my only real criticism is the last two lines, to me they seem a bit flippant and I think with a bit more revision you might find a nicer conclusion for what to me seems an interesting poem.
This is amazing! I love this poem!
I was initially drawn in by the description, who can resist review at your own risk? It's like a wet paint sign or a big red button.
I really liked the rhyme scheme-mostly uniform with a hint of abstract. I am a big fan of rhyming poetry personally, but everybody just seems to write without rhyming. I can find not weak or forced rhymes, which is incredible for a poem of this length.
Because I feel compelled to make a least one piece of constructive criticism, the fourth line could have a semi colon rather than a comma.
Keep up the good work,
Take That You Fiend!
Oh my! What a beautiful poem! NightWolf here to infect this review for the Black Plague.
I just love the first lines.
Mystic, cryptic, lost and old
never known but always bold.
They are so amazing. They drew me in to this poem, as, I will admit, I was a little daunted by the length. So, yeah, great opener,
I see no spelling mistakes or anything like that. My only trouble is the fact there are a couple of full stops. Is this meant? I'm not sure, I'm not great at poetry.
The flow's good, nice use of short sentences. Your vocabulary...just great! It's really mature. I see a lot of truth in your poem. It's amazingly written, well thought out... what can I say?
I look forward to reading more!
Hm, thanks. I'm still working on the stops -_-
hey there! Cailey here from the land of the Lanterns with a review on this fine piece of poetry.
So, first thing I noticed was that you had a really nice rhythm. Very easy to follow and very fun to read. It flowed very nicely (except for maybe one of two lines in the middle, but nothing awful or distracting)
I also liked the repetition that you had in some places, I felt like the repeated word really brought the lines together and made the poem connect very nicely.
My biggest thing was that it was hard to find the point in this story. It was nice, but almost too many words that masked what you were really trying to say. I got stuck in the poeticness of the poem, and forgot to pay attention to the poem itself, which isn't a very good thing.
however, even there you brought it back together in the end, and almost ended with a challenge, which was very well done. That way the poem returns to the reader and becomes something personal and meaningful, not just another set of words.
So, all in all, wonderful job, and it could use some work, but you have a great start here.
I hope this helped in some small way, or maybe a big way. Haja! Let me know if you've got any comments or questions or anything at all.
And, keep writing, keep writing, keep writing.
Hey Cailey! Thanks for the feedback!
-_- technically this is a poem, not a story.
^^\
There is a point. Re-read it, maybe you can see it.
Yeah. Poem. Not story.
(I know how to talk...)
Okay, so the point was definitely more clear when I reread it this time. Kind of a fight between good and evil, but more specifically talking against greed?
Or maybe I'm totally off. But I think I just read too quickly the first time.
NO, you're on the right track.
NO, you're on the right track.
This is good! In a lot of poems I read, the rhymes and flow seem forced or fake, but in your poem, it actually flows. I know the poems about gold, but when reading it it seemed to show up a little too much. Maybe you could change one or two of those words into a metaphor or replace it with gilded or aurous. If you can't, it's definitely not a poem ruining problem. Maybe it's just too many words ending in old.
Also towards the end I loved how you wrote "In the end you simply see". That line was great at concluding the poem without being too abrupt. Great job, keep writing!
Thanks! Glad you liked it!

I need a thesaurus.
Don't worry, BN, we all know that we are fighting a losing battle with the cursed formatting. It's been out to get us for years, I would assume. I don't think that it likes what we write very much.
This was...wow...really good. Your words and spacing are absolutely perfect, and your rhyme scheme is amazing. I love the way how you kind of alternated between long and short lines. I think those were supposed to have been alternate stanzas, but I have been known to be wrong before.
And there was a lot of truth in this work as well.
I loved those to lines. They were so truthful, heartfelt, and wonderfully written.
The only thing that can be complained about here is the formatting. But I am a wise women and I know when to shut my mouth. Or stop typing. (Most of the time anyway.)
Argh, I know. Formatting is (blankety blankety blank!).
Thanks for the review!
Gah, Don't mind the formatting!