Young Writers Society

#FF0000 ">Zolen Poetry Check List of things that should probably be commented on, that I made so I don't forget tm

Emotion:
Feels depressed, story of a person who is going to unintentionally hurt a lot of people.

How hard are those emotions thrown at the reader:
As hard as possible without throwing a base ball labeled with the emotion.

Closing and opening premise:

Risen from abuse
Sprouted from neglect
Strengthened by pain
Blossomed by fear.

Then a miracle of light
to strip clean the darkest of denials
and gently kissed her wounded spirit.

Help her, to help herself
Trust her, to trust herself
Love her, to love herself.

In doubt
provide her a reflection
Of her unique light
That the world longs for in her eyes.

Hey UnmarkedTerritory,

So, usually I'd do a super long review, focusing stanza by stanza. But, it is review day, so I might come back and do a more detailed review later. No promises though. Instead, I'm going to write my review in chunks. You'll get what I mean. Okay, I've been rambling to long. To the poem!

Risen from abuse
Sprouted from neglect
Strengthened by pain
Blossomed by fear.

Then a miracle of light
to strip clean the darkest of denials
and gently kissed her wounded spirit.

Okay, these 2 stanza's don't work well together. 1st stanza, you're saying that they rose from all the bad things that were happening. 2nd stanza, a miracle happened and healed her. Didn't the miracle happen in the 1st stanza. Please tell me if I'm interpreting this wrong.

I'm gonna skip the next two stanza's. I like them, and don't want to say anything negative.

Help her, to help herself
Trust her, to trust herself
Love her, to love herself.

Okay. I'm kinda confused. First 2 lines were good. But love her, to love herself. I don't get it. I.....I'm just gonna stop talking about it.

The last stanza was good. Overall, good job. I tried not to be that negative. I'm sorry for everything bad. Keep writing.

-FCS

Very good. Full of emotion and honesty. It was a good size, neither too long or too short, and the format was great. There were some lines that needed editing though. For instance:

“Then a miracle of light,"
should end in came since you're describing how it entered into her life.

“where it would call home,"
should be “that it would call home."

And, “ of her unique light"
should be
“of the unique light"
since you use her, in the following line.

These are just suggestions, and everything else was awesome!! Keep writing

Risen from abuse
Sprouted from neglect
Strengthened by pain
Blossomed by fear.

Then a miracle of light
to strip clean the darkest of denials
and gently kissed her wounded spirit.

Progressively this light twinkled in her eyes,
Radiated in her smile
and burned in her heart
Building a haven, where it would call home.

Her intentions pure
but her movemends devious
For to understand a world of love, compassion and peace
may be too much for her to comprehend.

Help her, to help herself
Trust her, to trust herself
Love her, to love herself.

And when in doubt
provide her a reflection
Of her unique light
That the world longs for in her eyes.

I know this isn't an edited poem but I find it much easier to read if it was set up like this. "And when in doubt" I think you should skip the And it just doesn't seem to fit. In my opinion!

Otherwise it was and amazing read!

Hiya! Sapi for a quick review.

For an unedited free verse, not bad at all! Of course, as you know, it can use some refining, but sometimes raw emotion is the only way to start a good poem. A lot of times I try to start with good technique and a set of words, but with no emotional fuel, and that just ends up with a pointless poem. So onto the refining.

First of all, your words and phrases are beautiful and each in itself a little fragment of treasure. However, there is not much organization to it all. Even though it's free verse, it should be a little less muddled. Since it is currently all one stanza, experiment with separating it into two or three. Find the separation points by reading it out loud, seeing where you stop.

Secondly, going along with that idea of "stopping", find where the sentences should end. Sometimes punctuation isn't necessary, especially in a short poem, but this is longer and needs some more structure. So read it out loud, read it in your head, find the commas, the dashes, and the full stops, or periods. It doesn't need a ton, but it needs more than it has. For examble, in the very first four lines of the poem, I would put a comma after each line and end with a period. Perhaps even with stanza separation. (By the way, once you find where the periods should go, use that as a guide for stanza separation. They go hand in hand.)

Help her, to help herself

Trust her, to trust herself

Love her, to love herself