disconnection is my infection,
lacking of attention,
not knowing which direction,
unable to give affection,
haunted by my skewed perception,
I've got this down to a perfection,
cutting my spirit down in sections,
unworthy of your selection,
tears attempt communication,
heart beats for affirmation,
my mind cages in deception,
my soul is in desperation,
limting my imagination,
paralyzing crimination,
this is a devastation,
i don't like my destination,
i don't need more education,
just let God to do the facilitation.
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
*Whistles softly* Nice, mate. Really nice, if you wrote this during a lecture than I am incredibly impress. That must have been one terribly long and boring lecture. I'm actually pretty wordless as how you want this to be edited, because it is incredible. You have somehow managed a line by line rhyme without seeming forced at all, and all the rhymes are witty and humorous. The rhythm here is flawless, I have no faults with it. But I do have a few suggestions.
The use of a before 'perfection' seems unnecessary and it sounds a bit odd. Perhaps just, 'I've got this down to perfection?'Remember the capitalized the I in these two lines.
Still, these are tiny things. I admire your skill to be able to whip up something so witty and amazing at the same time! Keep on writing because I want to read more!
-S.s
P.s: You have earned yourself a like.
This definitely has the tone and mood of something one might write while sitting through a not-so-interesting lecture!
I like how you chose words that not only rhymed but fit the poem <i>perfectly</i>, as opposed to just taking random words that rhyme. I also notice that one word rhymes with the next, and you slowly add more syllables to each new rhyming word. That probably didn't make any sense, but it all boils down to "That's beautiful!"
I realize that nothing except G-d's name is capitalized in your poem; I can't say I have much experience in poetry-writing, so I'm giving your poem the benefit of the doubt that you're writing in a particular style that doesn't call for optimum grammatical/punctuational correctness. (Sometimes, I'll automatically go into editor-mode when I listen to songs like "Nightbird" and "White-Winged Dove" by Stevie Nicks because they're just full of contradictory or fragmented sentences; I accept that this is just her writing style.)
This is a really unique piece that seems to express an emotional disconnect with the world on a whole. It wasn't some angst-ridden rant - it had an underlying thoughtfulness and maturity to it. Keep up this fantastic writing!
Hi Unmarkedterritory, Tsholdin here for a review!
So I really like this. In my point of view, I don't see anything that needs to be "fixed."
I read this several times and I am unsure of what the inspiration could have been when writing this. But I do love the very last line. It is very clever and it is what makes me love this.
Very good job!!!
May your days be successful and meaningful,
-TH