Big White Room
I am not afraid of anything,
Except when I am contained.
It is hard to breathe.
From corner to corner.
Edge to edge.
Allows the most dangerous,
Action to progress.
My mind to travel.
It crosses the driest parts,
Where there is the most desperation.
It makes me give up.
It makes a fool out of me.
It drowns in the deepest areas.
So unhappy, so unworthy.
Shoving me down, before swallowing me whole.
No escape,
What a reward.
It looses control in the gusting winds.
Tossed around and untamed.
Raged and bruised.
With no strength to choose.
After all the tears are shed.
After all the torture is fed.
After all the lies are made.
After all the self-punishment is paid.
Suddenly, it caresses a smooth surface.
A warmth and brightness overflows.
My nerves tingling with hope.
A true capacity reviled.
A reason, a purpose, a worth.
The white wall begins to break.
Crumble, crush and dust away to unveil,
A red door.
A sudden rush,
Springs me forward.
The rusty brass copper door knob,
Stabs my stomach.
And I hesitate any further movement.
My hand lightly grasps,
The cool metal knob.
I turn it and pull quickly with,
All my strength the door towards me,
Reality hit me.
It strangled me at my throat,
And pinned me across the room.
Worthlessly letting me fall.
The crumbles fill up the,
Empty space.
My lifeless body caves underneath the mayhem.
From corner to corner.
Edge to edge.
In a big white room,
Alone again.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This was an interesting read. I nearly forgot that I was reading poetry I got so engrossed in the story. The thought that comes to mind when reading this poem is that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. The person in this poem really thought that the room he was in was the worst situation he could be in, so he strove to get out. But, on realizing the world outside of the room, he found out that this new world was much worse and just a larger white room. I always like poems or stories that have an underlying thought or theme that you have to dig for. The rhyming seemed somewhat uneven, but it still worked. I don't think there are any real set in stone rules about writing stories or poems. Overall, it was a good poem!
Let me say this. It was absolutley amazing how you could make me feel like I was the poem. I could just feel the walls closing in around me, barely able to breathe. I loved this. Please write more
I liked the poem. To my thought, I believe it described a person with claustrophobia and how he felt or thought. I t described his fear his torture and pain. I could understand. Honestly i Forget about poems a lot but you hooked me up sir. Please make more of these poems. Good Job
-Jam
I'll start off by saying I'm not one for poems. Not at all really. I don't understand them... it always seemed to me that it'd be just as effective to write a story. At least that way you wouldn't need all that weird spacing.
But my God. That was a good poem.
The only part I was a little iffy about was when you threw the pattern you had going and started rhyming. I don't know if that's a new technique you're trying out or something, but I found it a bit confusing. Still great work though!
It was something I think anyone could comprehend or relate to.
So bravo to you for drawing me in to a poem for the first time in my life.
Hey there, here for a review.
So I would like to say that this poem is nice, but I found that it got confusing at times. Although, that is probably the effect you're trying to give when you talk about being contained.
I liked the fact that you came in the end to the two verses near the beginning:
I also like the part where the poem seems to change a bit, since you add rhymes to the end of the verses:
This is my favorite part of the poem because it seems to break the structure that the rest of the poem has, and the lines you wrote are easy to say and memorable.
However, that in itself is something I disliked about the poem. I do not understand why you rhyme in a part while in the rest of the poem you don't. That is your choice though, and you can do whatever you want. There are also a few grammatical mistakes like commas in the end of verses that need to be fixed and some other spelling mistakes, but other than that it is good.
I also liked the fact that you returned to the white room in the end, and we can think that this is a never-ending vicious cycle.
So good job! Take my suggestions as seriously as you want, after all, you are the author, and as always, keep writing.
-Alfonso