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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Brilliant rhyme scheme.
The repetition of 'Bleed' at the beginning makes it seem all that more dramatic.
The very way you've written this piece, tasting names and inky wings is just brilliant.
You speak poetry.
It bleeds from you.
This. Is. Amazing.
Keep writing always.
< 3
The rhythm is great, and it easily flows. It's something I'm not that good at.
Although, you should drop the italics. There's really not much need for them.
Your repetitive style certainly helps the poem flow easier. A great stanza to start off with.
Taste: It doesn't seem to really work out with my brain. I recommend a rewrite on that.
The second line is fine, and I applaud you for that. The third line, "Will now not be aloof" sounds kind of forced as if you were trying to use a wide vocabulary. Rewrite?
It's forced in my opinion. I don't believe this whole stanza is required, but you can change it in some way to make it fit the message.
You repeat "bleed" from the first stanza. Perhaps you can use a different word.
Finally, we come to the last stanza. First of all, what's "this"? The poem? Why not say it is? It leaves the reader stumped, and more questions pile up.
"The sweet, the bitter--" helps bring up the suspense, but it sounds forced at the same time.
This poem has a lot of potential, but the message isn't too clear either. However, it's still a good poem, so keep writing!
Hallo, love - here to review, obviously.
To start with, I'd like to say that I do enjoy this. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy it, so I'm going to tear it to shreds and see what I can make of it. It's just my method of thinking, so I apologise if this comes off a little harsher than I meant. I just think stronger pieces can hold up a bit more!
It's a very nice idea, with extremely nice execution. I like your formatting and stylistic choices, as well as the majority of your diction. It's an easy-to-read piece that pulls the reader in.
Formatting-wise, I respect your choice to italicise the whole of "ugly truths", and I realise that it would look rather awkward otherwise - however, your retort to that in the rhyme, "aloof", is two syllables to the former's three, and it sounds very awkward; not to mention, it throws the rhyme off a little, as "aloof" can be read as ah-luf in addition to ah-loof. A better phrase might benefit you, but that's your choice to make.
In the third stanza, I think your slanted formatting (with italics on the last word) could be changed a little for the first two lines - "For *here's* a bird/With *ink* for wings" fits more smoothly into how someone would read it aloud, with emphasis on those two words.
In addition, I think your italics could touch "bleeds" instead of "from me", to emphasise a more prominent idea - it would definitely benefit a reader, so their mind doesn't have to twist around an idea such as emphasising unimportant phrasing compared to important, and it helps make your point.
All stylistic changes, I realise - but my opinion is that your poem could benefit from it. If your opinion differs, fine by you!
I hope to see more by you in the future.
I think this poem is very dreamy and magical...
I enjoyed reading every stanza of this poem. I love the mysterious vibe it exerts, and the way you italicized some of the words really worked. I also like the message it gives, although I'm not sure if how I understood it is how you want readers to understand your poem. I guess that's what beautiful about this. It covers a very simple topic, yet readers can translate it whatever way works for them. Multiple meanings, I guess that's it.
I'm not sure how to criticize this... I think there are no grammar mistakes and your word choice is excellent and the structure is cool... So, great job!!
For here's a bird
With ink for wings
I love these lines, they strike me as very creative. I don't know why, but I think they're great!
Keep up the awesomeness!
- darkangel_05
.......
A perfect poem. These are very rare. Very, very rare.
No mistakes, no blemishes. No flaws at all.
It's simple and unique as well. Your advid use of great vocabulary adds to its flare. Well done!
~Dark